Category: A Check Is A Check
After All That, Daniel Craig Is Probably Going To Play James Bond Again
But before we get to that James Bond shit, let’s thank Daniel Craig for saving us from making an “Errr, bitch, what did you do?” face about that bleach job by making that face in the picture above. That Billy Idol shade makes him look like Jean Paul Gaultier on steroids, and yes, I still would.
Daniel Craig once melodramatically said in an interview that he’d rather slash his wrists than play James Bond again. But I guess Sony reportedly throwing $150 million at him has caused him to push away the razor. Because at the New York Film Festival on Friday night, Vulture said that Daniel backpedaled on his “I’d rather bleed out to death than get paid zillions of dollars to play Bond” comments.
Katherine Heigl Is Doing Kitty Litter Commercials Now, But It’s For Charity, Okay?!
After the crusted-over phlegm ball stuck in Hollywood’s throat named Katherine Heigl left Grey’s Anatomy and was labeled an unhealable anus fissure by the ruler of primetime television Shonda Rhimes, she acted in a few bombs, redefined the meaning of “perfect” when she did a ZzzQuil commercial and starred in what was supposed to be her big comeback show. It never saw the light of a second season. Heigl also found time to sue Duane Reade for using her picture in a tweet and she made a movie using Indiego donations (some of which she put in her own pocket). Heigl has followed all of that up by starring in an ad campaign for kitty litter, which makes sense since her career has ended up in the shit box. But supposedly, Heigl isn’t only doing it, because a check is a check, she’s also doing it for the down-and-out animals of the world.
Tori Spelling Got A Job Endorsing A Phone Psychic
Not that I ever doubted her, since there’s no bitch more committed than one with a gift wrapping room, but it turns out Candy Spelling was dead serious when she said she wasn’t handing over a dime to pay off Tori Spelling’s busted Amex bill. Instead, Tori Spelling had to go out and get a part-time job. Or at least the famous person equivalent of a part-time job.
Thanks to ET, we know that Tori Spelling is hustling for a psychic phone line. She must have blown her interview with Dionne Warwick at the Psychic Friends Network, because she had to settle for a company called Psychic Source. But I guess you can’t be that picky when you owe $38,000 to the credit card company. According to ET, Tori will serve as the Psychic Source’s celebrity partner and spokesperson. Tori says she considers herself to be an “expert” in psychics, and that her readings from Psychic Source have always been spot-on. And I’m sure every one of them began with the words “Tori, hang up the phone. I know what your bank account looks like in the future, and you can’t afford $3.99 a minute.”
No word on how many hours it will take Tori working for Psychic Source to pay off her Amex bill, but I do know she can have it paid off twice as fast if she gets The Deaner in on some of that Psychic Source action! What am I saying? Tori’s probably already got him working the phones.
“Hola, jokers – thanks for calling Psychic Source. You ready to find out what’s crappenin’ in your future? Trust me, you won’t be sorry; I can’t count the number of times I wish someone could have predicted the who-what-wheres of every morning I woke up hungover in a random tool shed with a raging case of itch dick. No, really, I can’t count that high.“
Here’s Tori while she was still on funemployment last week with her family at some Monster energy drink thing.
Pics: Psychic Source, Wenn.com
Why, Kim Basinger, Why?!
The first Fifty Shades of Shit movie was duller than wet baking powder but it still made $571 million worldwide and so of course, Universal is shitting out another one. One of the “key roles” in the second movie, Fifty Shades Darker, is Elena Lincoln, the child-whipping pedo who introduced Christian Grey to the world of BDSM when he was 15. There was a funny rumor that Charlize Theron was going to play the role, but that’s not going to happen, because Kim Basinger is going to do it. It’s been over 10 years since Kim has been nominated for a Razzie so maybe she figured that it’s about time she gets another one.
Mimi’s Chichis Are Replacing Kate Upton’s Chichis In Those “Game Of War” Ads
Hello Kitty Party, Ecco the Dolphin and Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six (it has “rainbow” in the title, okay) are just a few titles I’d spit out if you asked me to guess which game Mariah Carey is now the face of. But I guess Mimi’s management team subscribes to the “A Check IS A Check” way of doing business, because she has pulled out her bubble gum-scented Mr. Sketch marker and signed her name on a contract to replace the pair of chichis with a face known as Kate Upton in all those Game of War ads. “Mimi Replaces Kate Upton As The Face of Game of War” is not some shit I expected to read today.
Mimi has probably went ahead and ordered several custom-made solid gold unicorn horn dildos, because TMZ says that the Game of War bitches are paying her 7 figures for just two days work. Mimi will shoot a 30-second commercial and she’ll also do other promo shoots for the game. A source tells TMZ that one of Mimi’s songs is going to be used in the commercial. I’m guessing the song they plan to use is “Infinity” since her last high note in that shit has the power to paralyze the strongest of men and bring down fortresses.
The shoot is going to take 2 days, but the post-production is probably going to take 2 weeks, if not more. Whoever is making that commercial is going to need to get the sturdiest and bravest special effects artistes in the game to work their CGI magic on Mimi’s body until she’s happy. Talk about a game of war. By the end, they’ll be screaming for mercy, and they will beg for their overworked fingers to be chopped off when Mimi calls and asks, “Dahling, just erase another 1/10th of an inch off of my right thumb.”
Here’s Kate Upton’s replacement walking on her own (THIS IS A FIRST!) in Paris during the last few days.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
The Full House Revival Is Really Happening And The Summary For It Sounds…..Err..
When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.