Open Post: Hosted By Luke Evans’ Extremely Ripped New Body
Anyone who has seen a picture of Luke Evans at the beach knows that Luke Evans has an (ahem) boddy-oddy-oddy. And anybody who has seen a recent-ish picture knows that Luke has been on a shredded-body journey. And yesterday, Luke posted a side-by-side to Instagram to show everyone what he’s been up to in quarantine. Guess what, he’s been making the most of it, apparently. Can you believe there are some people who don’t spend every day in quarantine, curled into a ball, shoving pints of Ben & Jerry’s in their mouth for the serotonin boost? Luke has been working out his body day and night, but don’t ask Luke any specifics about his progress – that’s not the point! At least according to Luke.
Night Crumbs
Meanwhile, on the set of House of Gucci in Italy, Adam Driver and Lady Gaga continue to serve some “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Spanish fly!” glamour by looking like Clark Kent and Lois Lane if Clark Kent and Lois Lane were the horniest couple at a 70s key party – Lainey Gossip
Speaking of House of Gucci, it looks like the humanization of UGH named Jared Leto is going for another OSCUH by homely-ing himself up, but really, was the stereotypical owner of a used car lot/money laundering scheme not available for this role?! – Pajiba
The woman who first accused Creepy Cannibal Ken (read: Armie Hammer) of being an abusive, controlling tower of trash has come forward, with help from Gloria Allred, and accused him of rape, which the LAPD is now investigating – Variety
The Royal Family Is Not Racist, So Says Prince William
Well, everyone, case closed! Racism does not exist in the Royal Family! Prince William has said so! I guess this also means that the sky is not blue, water is not wet, bears do not shit in the woods, and P. Willy’s got a head full of luscious locks and he’s been wearing a bald cap this entire time!
William and Duchess Kate did one of their hand-shaking elbow-bumping events today, and a reporter asked him a couple of questions including if the Royal Family is racist. William should’ve just pretended that the question got lost in the wind and never made it into his earholes, but instead, he answered it, saying that they’re not racist. As the laugh track was cued up, Princess Michael of Kunt’s racist brooch probably threw the most scathing side-eye, and Prince Philip’s ears burned something extra after hearing the words “racist” and “royal” while in his hospital bed.
Who Is February’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
2021 must have looked at 2020 like, “You were a slow, torturous bitch and I don’t want to be like you, so I’m going to drop some speed so I’ll be a fast, torturous bitch.” Because we’re nearly half-shaft deep into March, which means that it’s time to vote for who was the Hottest Hot Slut of February! February’s HSOTM battle is down to a Zoom hero, an island that makes my b-hole say, “I want to go to there,” a trash-tackling mama bear, and a First Dog! The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for February are:
The Kitty Lawyer, the lawyer who made a virtual Texas court hearing 1000000000% times better by getting trapped behind a pussy filter. Sorry, Jacoby & Meyers, my new favorite lawyer is The Kitty Lawyer.
Dick Island, the island peenadise in the Pacific Ocean that is shaped like a cut dick with tight huevos and makes me sing, “Aaaaaalmost paradise!” Actually, that doesn’t make sense since it isn’t almost paradise, it is paradise!
Phyllis Pena, the Texas mother who is this year’s sole Heisman Trophy winner (that’s the trophy for the ball sport where they tackle each other, right?) in my eyes because she tackled a perv who was looking into her daughter’s bedroom window.
Champ Biden, one of the First Dogs (no, not the one who earned a visit from Cesar Milan by nipping at a secret service agent) who got called a rough-looking unkempt junkyardian by some rough-looking unkempt junkyardian pieces of trash. They’re obviously jealous of his beauty!
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned next Wednesday, March 17!
Open Post: Hosted By The Wax Figure Seat Fillers At Peter Luger Steak House
As restaurants in New York are gradually permitted to open up reduced-capacity indoor dining while still respecting COVID-19 social-distancing protocols, creative solutions are bubbling up in order to make the dining rooms feel more inviting for the customers desperate to escape their 340th straight night of microwave burritos and leftover Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. During the past few months, we’ve learned that restaurants have used stuffed pandas, mannequins, and blow-up dolls to fill seats for the benefit of passersby and diners who longed for a sense of a vibrant social scene once again.
Some seat fillers are especially lifelike (yesterday’s carpool dummy) and some are beloved but not quite as realistic as our passenger-seat friend. Peter Luger Steak House in Brooklyn, NY, rose to the occasion of 35%-capacity indoor dining by teaming up with Madame Tussauds to temporarily fill the open tables with glamorous Hollywood wax figures.
Taylor Swift Is Countersuing A Theme Park Called “Evermore” After They Sued Her For Trademark Infringement
If I could go back in time to change one thing I would answer the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” very differently. Instead of saying “I want to be a person who writes poop jokes on the internet, whatever that turns out to be” I’d say “I want to be Taylor Swift’s lawyer” because if I did, I’d be rolling in cash instead of sitting here writing poop jokes on the internet which, sorry to say, turned out to be a huge mistake. Taylor Swift is being sued again, this time for trademark infringement by a theme park in Utah called Evermore, the same name Taylor used for her recent cottagecore themed album. Now Taylor is counter-suing the park for playing her music over the loudspeakers “without authorization or license agreement.” So, no more pooping to Bad Blood in the bathrooms of Evermore. The only winners here are Taylor’s lawyers and the Big Fairy Lights industry.