I’m sure all of you have been tossing and turning all night long wondering if Janet Jackson is actually carrying the baby that is currently growing inside her 50-year-old body. Janet didn’t get into specifics when she confirmed that she was having a baby with her billionaire husband Wissam Al Mana; only that she was hitting the snooze button on her Unbreakable tour because they were “planning a family.” Well, you can finally sleep again, because it sounds like Janet’s big brother Tito Jackson has kind-of confirmed that their “planning” didn’t involve searching for a surrogate.

People says Tito spilled the beans about Damita Jo’s uterus during an interview with Andy Cohen for SiriusXM’s Andy Cohen Live on Monday. When asked how his sister’s pregnancy was going, Tito answered that Janet is “very well pregnant“, adding that she is “doing very well” and “taking it easy.” Andy then brought up the internet talk about whether or not Janet might have contracted out her pregnancy to a professional. But I guess Tito’s comment about Janet being “very well pregnant” was enough for him to stamp SOLVED on that mystery, and he quickly moved on to asking when she’s due. Tito doesn’t know when she’s due or what she’s having, but he does know that Janet is hoping for a “healthy baby.”

Tito’s remark about her being “very well pregnant” was so damn confusing that I’m not sure we can technically classify what he said as a legitimate confirmation. Who describes someone as “very well pregnant“? That would be like today’s Hot Slut describing herself as “very well successful.” It’s like he’s tip-toeing around the truth by using existentialist jargon. “She could very well be pregnant, who is to say? What is life, even?” Tito, stop speaking in riddles!

Pic: Wenn.com

I’ll wait here as you dunk your head into your bowl of hot holy water after once again laying your eyeballs on that nightmare work which should be titled: A Regular Ole’ Night In Pimp Mama Kris’ Lair.

Back in the olden days of 2013, Kanye West showed his dress-up silicone mannequin Kim Kartrashian how much he hates her and lives to humiliate her by giving her a hideously ugly and offensive Birkin bag which featured PMK in her true form (on the left) screaming at her whores to show it, work it and sell it in a nude photo shoot. That painted nightmare on a bag came directly from the mind of artiste George Condo. Page Six is saying today that George Condo may be dating Ashley Olsen, and that makes sense since only an Olsen could truly, truly love and an appreciate an artist who spits out scary shit like that.

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Veruca Salt’s even-brattier Canadian cousin Justin Bieber is really mad about some stuff that was said about him on the internet, and in a shocking turn of events, it has nothing to do with people calling him shit like Veruca Salt’s even-brattier Canadian cousin. Justin is so mad about a fake-sounding story that was published on HollywoodLife that he’s trying to get them shut down. It’s the Nick Jr. version of Hulk Hogan vs. Gawker.

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Prince Hot Ginge once allegedly told a gay dude that he’d give him a call if he “changes his mind about women,” and I remember that quote as though I just read it 2 minutes ago, because I did just read it 2 minutes ago. It’s tattooed over my right nipple so I read it while giving myself a quickie whore bath in the sink this morning. So PHG would obviously be my first choice for the first British royal to grace the cover of a gay magazine. THE QUEEN in Dame Edna drag would be my second choice. Prince William would probably be my 5th choice after the fallen Duchess Fergie in a rainbow flag and all of THE QUEEN’s Corgis, but I’ll gladly take it.

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Ever since “sources” started whispering that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were giving their relationship and engagement a second try, both Miley and Liam have kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. At one point, Liam himself straight-up said he wasn’t fixin’ to get hitched to the holler’s most in-heat chipmunk. The only person who was really talking about their wedding was Miley’s daddy Billy Ray Cyrus, but I just assumed that was the mixed-up nonsense rantings of a man who accidentally inhaled too much Bold Hold hair spray while styling that mess on his head.

Miley and Liam did another casual hand-holding pap walk while going into Soho House in NYC last night. I know – how ever would have known that was Miley Cyrus with all those clothes on? But yes, the one in the Canadian business jacket is Miley Cyrus, and the one in Forever 21 Ryan Gosling drag is Liam Hemsworth. Miley also made sure to give the paps a really good shot of her engagement ring, because of course she did. Get that engagement attention, girl!

That “source” who claimed Miley was reforming her grown-up Garbage Pail kid ways and turning herself into June Cleaver for Liam was clearly telling the truth. I mean, look how goddamn demure she is now. Walking? Holding hands? And in such a tasteful tube-top and sassy mall-walking granny pants? The old Miley would have entered Soho House by shooting out of a penis-shaped cannon wearing her interpretation of a wedding gown (aka white lace nipple covers and a rhinestone-studded g-string) with the words “Here cums the bride y’all” painted on her ass cheeks in silver body paint while pretending to jerk off a unity candle.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Funny, I don’t remember this part of The Giving Tree – false_azure

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You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think. – Mother Chucker

Pic: UberHumor