Duchess Kate’s style is usually about as boring as a potato flake to me, but she wore a hat that made one of my senses tingle: my sense of taste. Because that raw Cinnabon hat would be delicious if it was perfectly baked, covered with frosting and served with an Oreo Chillata™ – Celebitchy

Speaking of being as boring as a potato flake, Blake NotSoLively talked about global warming with Marie Claire – Lainey Gossip 

Reality TV swallowed up another marriage: The Jewish Asian chick from The Real Housewives of New York (you know, the one who tells everyone she’s Jewish and Asian) is getting a divorce from her bit-sized husband – Reality Tea 

In case you missed it, here’s Samantha Bee letting out all her feelings about the Orlando massacre and gun control – The Superficial 

And because I’m really good at segues, let’s go from gun control to Kim Kartrashian’s plastic Honey Baked Ham ass in GQ – Drunken Stepfather

Richard Simmons sends love and healing thoughts to Orlando – Towleroad

So it looks like next season’s episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will have 100% less talk about Lyme disease in them – Jezebel

Oh, hey again, Rita Ora’s nipple knobs – The Nip Slip

GOOP who? Celine Dion is about to become the GREATEST LIFESTYLE GURU IN DA WORLD! – Just Jared

Aubrey O’Day and Shannon Bex’s hair color looks like watered down piss in an ash tray – Hollywood Tuna

Christina Hendrick’s abuelita of the bride dress is not the look – Popoholic

Now that they mention it, there are more mattress stores than Starbucks in this country – Pajiba

Argentine footballer peen alert! – (NSFW) – OMG Blog 

Kelly Osbourne got a head tattoo to show support for the Orlando victims – Starcasm

Lea Michele and her new piece (the hot dude from Lipstick Jungle) held hands – Popsugar

There was tons of fucking sequins at The Neon Demon premiere – IDLYITW

Pic: Wenn.com

Nick Jonas admitted last month during an interview with Entertainment Weekly that he wouldn’t get all shy and clam up if someone asked him what his fetishes were. So last night on Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen decided to test how open Nick really was about said fetishes during a segment called “Let Us Fetish.” Somewhere there’s a person who gets off on rubbing themselves against heads of romaine who is about to be very disappointed.

We already know that one of Nick’s fetishes includes playing coy while winking at the gays, so Andy didn’t have to touch on that one. But he did pull out some weird shit that I maybe didn’t need to know the answer to. Like whether or not Nick would be into humping on someone who is sweating their ass off inside a homemade sexy wolf costume. Here’s what Nick Jonas is and isn’t into:

Watching porn in the bedroom with someone: “No, not into it.”
Furries: (Nick doesn’t answer, but he seems somewhat receptive to the idea. Andy takes this as a possibly)
Getting spanked: “Yeah, absolutely. I’ve got a firm ass.”
Getting tied to a bedpost: “Not into it. It did happen one time, and it didn’t end well.“
Feet: “No, I’ve never understood that.” (“Pfft, hater” hisses Quentin Tarantino)
Voyeurism: “Maybe.”
Getting his hair pulled: “If you can figure that out, you deserve it.”
Fucking in public: “No.”

The fuck kind of ‘middle-aged mom after discovering a copy of Fifty Shades Darker in the office break room’ is that list? But really, that list gives us nothing! All I got from that is that Nick Jonas wants his ass slapped, and that he’d maybe be into letting someone watch him rail a human dressed like an animal. We recently found out that Nick once popped a boner after eating a weed lollipop, so maybe that’s a clue. It sort of sounds like Nick’s dick gets hard for drugs, candy, spanking, and costumes. Oh boy. Why do I get the feeling that a weird Halloween-themed S&M role play is something that has happened at Nick’s house. (Knocks on pussy) “Dick or Treat!”

Pic: Bravo

Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.

Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!

At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvjKBHUbN8U

A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:

“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”

I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.

We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.

The official start of slow summer gossip season started today when for the 9,123,980th time, a tabloid declared that a “miracle baby” has taken out a 9-month lease on Jennifer Aniston’s womb. InTouch Weekly screamed that Aniston is knocked up with Justin Theroux’s baby and they posted pictures of her in a bikini. Her belly looks like my gut when I suck in. But anyway, the Baby News Denial Department of Aniston’s PR Team quickly dropped a non-pregnant fart on that news.

But even though she denied the rumors, Aniston still hit the pap stroll in NYC today with a 16-foot long scarf and a wrinkled trench covering THAT area. She also looks kind of tired, but then again, you’d be tired too if you spent 3 hours of your morning using your body strength to pull your husband’s painted-on jeggings onto his body. If I was Aniston, I’d be using that giant scarf to cover my face, because I wouldn’t want to be seen with a grown dude who’s dressed like a cross between a 16-year-old circa 1992 who got suspended from high school for trying to start an anarchy club and a rejected member of the Village People who started his own music group in Brooklyn called the Borough People.

Pics: Splash

Fancy British actress and ass fan Helen Mirren has confirmed that she has been cast in the next installment of the illustrious Fast and the Furious franchise, Fast 8. Honestly, if you were to go back in time to 2001 and tell yourself that not only would there be eight Fast and the Furious movies, but that the eighth would have two Academy Award-winning actors on the call sheet, do you think Past You would believe Future You? Because I know Past Me would hiss “uh huh, right” before washing down my Olestra potato chips with a Pepsi Twist.

Helen broke the news during an interview with Elle magazine. She’s doing it because she likes cars and doing fun movies. That’s it! Helen likes to have fun and drive.

“I’m about to do Fast and Furious 8. But that’s for the fun of it. So maybe that’s what I want as well, some fun and some relevant, serious, important movies.

I’ve always rather loved driving. I said, ‘I’ll be in it, but only if I’m allowed to drive if I do drive in it.’ But we’ll see. We’ll see how it transpires. Film is a wonderful thing and it can be so many different things. I don’t want to turn my back on any of the different ways movies can be. I love the movies. I love going to the films. I like very serious films, I love foreign films, and I love big, fun movies–as long as they’re well made and they’ve got good scripts. That’s the most important thing.”

Good scripts? Helen, please. I’m pretty sure the script for Fast 8 is literally just the words “Vin Diesel grunts at The Rock for 137 minutes” written on the top of a Walmart receipt for AXE Bodyspray and condoms.

With that said, I’m 100% on board with Helen Mirren in Fast 8. She hasn’t specified who she’ll be playing or what her character is all about, so right now her role is anyone’s guess. Since she’s British, and Jason Statham (who is also in Fast 8) is British, I’m guessing that she’ll play either his hot wife, or hot mom. Or maybe his hot daughter? I know that makes literally no sense, but really, this is Fast and the Furious we’re talking about. As long as she jumps over something in her car, everything else is irrelevant.

Pic: Wenn.com

“Ooooooh, bitch got sent to the principal’s office at ABC” is what many of us thought after reading the completely natural apology that Noah Galvin gave for giving his raw thoughts about Bryan Singer’s ALLEGED boy-diddling ways, Colton Haynes’ “pussy bullshit” coming out and Eric Stonestreet’s performance of a stereotypical gay man on Modern Family. 22-year-old Noah, who is openly gay, is the star of The Real O’Neals, which was renewed for a second season but doesn’t get nearly the ratings that ABC’s golden child Modern Family does. So Noah Galvin talking trash about Modern Family is like you spitting in the face of your boss’ favorite child while kicking them in the dick. And so of course, Noah got in trouble.

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