“And unto Earth there shall be an angel. An angel mostly made of silicone and prescription drugs. This angel shall be raised as the child bride of a loathsome toad wart and together they shall procreate and humanity will come to a close.” I’m sure you all remember that from the Good Book. It speaks of the pregnancy of Courtney Stodden. And now Courtney brings us more, umm, news on her upcoming parenting.

Courtney and her truck stop killer-looking captor, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison announced they were going to have a baby back in May. Courtney claims she is 8 weeks along and she’s keeping that press train going. She spoke to People about her predictions on her child’s sexuality:

If it’s a boy I am going to dress him up in tutus. I know I am going to spoil my baby rotten. I’m going to be a fun mom. I always say I am going to have a girl regardless, and if it’s a boy he’ll be gay!

I’m glad to see that pregnancy hasn’t affected her brain’s main function: getting attention. Yes, Courtney’s possible gayby will have her and Doug as parents, but at least he’ll have his mother’s good taste. We could be talking about the next Bobby Trendy!

And thanks to this People article, we have Michael K’s two favorite things in one place: an elegant rose and the phrase “over-the-moon“! Yes! Congratulations Michael K! Courtney said, “My husband has been my rock. He is over-the-moon excited! And he’s so connected to me that he’s basically having morning sickness.” Well, I too must be connected to Courtney because the thought of Doug procreating makes me throw up constantly.

Pic: Splash

Here’s some pretty shitty, awful and terrible news. Christina Grimmie, who competed on season 6 of The Voice, died last night after she was shot several times at a show she was playing. She was only 22.

Christina was big on YouTube before making it to The Voice in 2014 and joining Adam Levine’s team. She made it all the way to 3rd place. Last night, she opened for the band Before You Exit at a show in Orlando, FL. While signing autographs in the lobby after the show at around 10, a man with two guns came up to her and opened fire. Christina’s brother then tackled the suspect but the suspect managed to shoot and kill himself.

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Pillsbury Milk Break!

The other day, I made Frookie, Mother Nature’s fruit juice-sweetened cookie, Hot Slut of the Day, and that reminded reader Patrick about another extremely healthy drop of deliciousness from the olden days. So he sent it in. Pillsbury Milk Break bar wasn’t processed sugar-free like a Frookie, but it did have a half glass of nonfat milk in it, so that practically makes it beyond healthy.

In the early 1980s, the Pillsbury Doughboy squeezed out a chocolate and wafer candy bar and he bragged that it was good for kids, because in every bar, was a half glass of milk in it. This is exactly how I like my milk, wrapped in milk chocolate and a crispy wafer. This is how some kids got their calcium in the 80s.  This is the correct way to get in that calcium!

Because America just didn’t want to be healthy back then, Pillsbury Milk Break bar didn’t last and disappeared from stores sometime in the 80s. It really should make a comeback, because I think America is ready to be healthy now. And I try getting my daily needed intake of calcium by pouring a half glass of nonfat milk on a Snickers before I eat it, but it’s totally messy! Come back to us, Milk Break!

Pic: Flickr

Hugh Laurie (57)
Ivana Baquero (22)
Eugene Simon (24)
Claire Holt (28)
Shia LaBeouf (30)
Joshua Jackson (38)
Peter Dinklage (47)
Matt McGrath (47)
Gioia Bruno of Exposé (53)
Dr. Oz (56)
Joe Montana (60)
Greta Van Susteren (62)
Frank Beard of ZZ Top (67)
Adrienne Barbeau (71)
Christina Crawford (77)
Gene Wilder (83)

Panty Creamer of the Day: While struttin’ that ass to the gym, Charlie Hunnam brings the hotness even though he looks like a Nike store barfed up on him after swallowing Lululemon’s men’s section – Lainey Gossip 

St. Angie Jolie may do the remake of Murder On The Orient Express and by “do” I don’t mean direct it, thankfully – Celebitchy

Run, Mischa Barton, run from those bill collectors! – Drunken Stepfather

Crazier meets Craziest: Backdoor Farrah is on Patti Stanger’s new show – Reality Tea 

And Backdoor Farrah is officially selling yogurt (and no, that is not a euphemism this time) – Starcasm

Finally some good news to take you up, up and away: Subway Jared’s face won’t be allowed back in the wild for 15 years  – The Superficial 

I do love Kylie Minogue, but NO to this cover of “This Wheel’s on Fire” – Towleroad

It feels like it’s been 7 hours and 15 days since I’ve seen Hilary Duff walk to her car, so thankfully here she is walking to her car. The planet can spin again! – Popoholic

Vanessa Hudgens‘ “covering mah face from the paps with coffee” skills suck – Hollywood Tuna 

President Obama slow-jammed his entire term on The Tonight Show – Popsugar

Passion of the Christ 2: Electric Jesusloo is actually happening – Just Jared

Pic: Wenn.com

The HSOTM crown has gone back to the animal kingdom. Several layers of shock swept through Dlisted last month when an actual human, Margaret Miles from Jeopardy!, won Hot Slut of April. But after a month, the title has gone to the dogs again!

The title of May’s Hot Slut of the Month now belongs to Zeus, the whiny Siberian Husky who can usually be found clinging to the bottom of the bathtub while howling at his cold-hearted human to please fill his heart with happiness by filling that tub with water for him to splash in. With around 40% of your votes, Zeus beat out the real queen of the Met Gala João Paulo, Day-To-Night Barbie and the International Queen of Freestyle Shannon. My 80s gay self is spitting at you bitches who didn’t vote for Day-To-Night Barbie or Shannon!

Zeus is our fifth HSOTM and will go on to the finals along with Margaret Miles, Ludivine The Marathon Dog, Flossie Dickey and Birdie Sanders.

Thanks to everyone who voted! And Zeus will thank you too as soon as you turn on the goddamn faucet: