For the past week, there has been so much undecided back and forth about Amber Heard’s upcoming restraining order hearing to turn her temporary restraining order against Johnny Depp into a permanent one. First we heard that Johnny was allegedly going to also ask for a restraining order against her. Then we heard that Johnny was going to refuse to testify and plead the fifth. Then Amber went ahead and removed any conversation about money from the trial by pulling her request for spousal support. And most recently, Johnny’s team reportedly tried to stop Amber’s friends from testifying. Now word is that the whole thing might not even happen tomorrow.

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Very early this morning in his basement studio, DJ Calvin Harris sadly sat in front of his computer and pulled a Taylor Swift by using his broken emotions to bust out a sad song of betrayal using sick (but yet melancholy) beats. The heart that lives inside of Calvin Harris’ muscled-up, waxed chest immediately broke into a thousand pieces after he saw those pictures of his girlfriend of 15 months (which is 97 years in TTT: Tay Tay Time) getting into a loved-up photo-op with Tom Hiddleston on the rocks in front of her beachfront Rhode Island mansion. A single tear of betrayal threw itself out of Calvin’s eye and slid down his cheek as he thought about how he used to be the one who starred in staged photo shoots for attention with Taylor. And yes, Calvin’s heartbreak EDM song will be called “You Broke My Heart On That Rock (On That Rock).” Katy Perry will do the vocals.

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Apparently the only part of Ashton Kutcher that’s worn rubber recently has been his nose. Ew, I’ll stop. That innocent red rubber nose doesn’t deserve to be dragged into a joke about Ashton’s penis. A rep for Mila Kunis has confirmed to People that she’s currently pregnant with Kelso’s baby for a second time. Mila and Ashton, who got secret married almost a year ago, already have a 20-month-old daughter named Wyatt Isabelle.

Mila’s rep didn’t get into specifics, like when she’s due or if it’s a boy or a girl or if they’re (brace yourself, Michael K) “over the moon.” But a source tells People that Ashton is really excited about being a dad again.

“Ashton genuinely lights up when talking about Wyatt and the little one on the way. Everything about being a father is natural to him.”

Since we know nothing about Jackie and Kelso’s second baby, the only thing we can do is wildly speculate about what they might name it. Their first baby sounds like a brand of old-timey saloon cocktail onions, and Ashton did make a show for Netflix called The Ranch. So I’m guessing a vaguely Western-sounding name is in that baby’s future. If it’s a boy, I’m thinking Shooter Mustache or (jangly sound of spurs) McWhiskey. If it’s a girl, then maybe Miss Kitty or Pleasewatch Theranch, because I’m not sure anyone is doing that and it could probably use all the help it can get.

Here’s Mila and Ashton and Wyatt at a farmer’s market last month. You know, that source claims Ashton loves being a dad, but does he really? Look at those cut-off sweat shorts. A real out-and-proud dad would have made the transition to Kirkland Signature hemmed-at-the-knee stonewashed jean shorts already.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Just like Grandma’s Turkey, it’s baked at room temperature for 24 hours? Unlike Grandma’s Turkey, I’ll take some. – nightflyer001

Upvote winner:

M&Hens – selfpotato

Pic: Break

Because we love a good old-fashioned filibuster around these parts, several of you sent in this Hot Slut of the Day suggestion: Senator Chris Murphy of Connecticut, who led an almost 15 hour-long filibuster about gun control laws yesterday! “Filibuster” is not to be confused with “Phil-a-buster,” the name of a 5-day long musical festival that features everything Phil Collins. (I wish that existed). “Filibuster” is also not to be confused with “Fill a Buster,” the title of my Craigslist casual encounters ad. Buster is my nickname for my b-hole. (Side note: Chris Murphy would make a perfect Darrin Stephens #3 if he was an actor in the 1970s and the producers of Bewitched needed to recast the role again.)

Everything I know about filibusters I learned in 2013 when then Texas Senator Wendy Davis won several gold medals in filibustering by fighting against the passing of a strict anti-abortion bill for 13 hours straight. Three months after Wendy’s 13 hour filibuster, Ted Cruz filibustered for a little over 21 hours about the Affordable Care Act. Yesterday, Democrat Chris Murphy took over the Senate floor at 11:21 a.m. and refused to leave until he got a sign that both sides can come together and do something, because enough is e-fucking-nough. Chris Murphy wants a vote on legislation that would let the government ban suspected terrorists from buying guns and he also wants to expand background checks.

40 senators tapped in and joined Chris Murphy during the filibuster which went on for 14 hours and 50 minutes. Since Chris Murphy was the leader of the filibuster, he had to stand at the desk the entire time. He couldn’t leave to piss, eat or snort Red Bull through a straw to stay awake. NBC News says that the filibuster finally ended early this morning when Republican Party leaders said, “Okay, okay, okay, fuck I want to go mimis” and agreed to allow a vote on two gun control measures.Chris Murphy’s filibuster is now the 9th longest since 1900.  After the filibuster ended, Chris Murphy tweeted this victory:

I am proud to announce that after 14+ hours on the floor, we will have a vote on closing the terror gap & universal background checks

— Chris Murphy (@ChrisMurphyCT) June 16, 2016

And I bet Chris Murphy tweeted that while sit peeing on the toilet as an assistant shoved several Wendy’s Double Stack cheeseburger covered with protein bar crumbs into his mouth. I hope he swallowed up 4 Frostys too, because he deserves it!

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