Open Post: Hosted By The Shoes Created With Defective Sex Toys
Normally whenever someone has successfully worn out their secret bedroom batons it becomes time to burn the evidence and never speak of them again. But have you ever wondered what happens to the defective sex toys that die virgins? Apparently, some of them get used for better purposes, like becoming comfortable footwear guaranteed to put a much-needed “Ahhhhh…” into every step you take. And if you need proof just ask David Teitelbaum and Chad Braverman, who are combining their respective companies into a line of footwear.
HBO Picked Up “House Of The Dragon” For A Second Season
This past Sunday, the Game of Thrones prequel, House of the Dragon, premiered on HBO. So many people tried to stream it at once that HBO Max actually crashed for some users. By the next morning, the premiere had scored 10 million viewers, making it the biggest series debut in HBO history. Five days later, another 10 million people jumped on the bandwagon. It’s a hit, a very palpable hit! And today, HBO announced that they’ve already renewed the show for a second season. Ugh, I hate to say it, but… I’m in. And if House of the Dragon shits the bed harder than Game of Thrones did in its final season, I only have myself to blame. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? I’m a bigger moron than anyone who ever put their trust in (that sexy beast) Littlefinger.
Shaq Once Again Suggests The Earth Is Flat And Questions If It Even Spins
Here we go again! Back in 2017, Shaquille O’Neal, bravely came forward to wonder: Is the Earth the only non-spherical, flat planet in the observable universe? Definitely not. There are satellites, we’ve been up there (“No, we haven’t!” shouted Steph Curry). But Shaq is not convinced, and he also challenges whether or not the Earth is really spinning. Shaq wonders this because he’s never seen the lake he lives near “rotate to the left or right.” Not since Isaac Newton discovered gravity through an apple have we seen such insightful and important advances!
Shia LeBeouf Vehemently Denies That Olivia Wilde Fired Him From “Don’t Worry Darling” And He’s Converted To Catholicism
Don’t worry about all those repugnant things Shia LeBeouf has done or been accused of, or will do or be accused of, because all is forgiven. In an effort to rehabilitate his career, if not his personality, Shia’s been saved! USA Today reports that Shia has taken his latest role, an Italian priest in a biopic called Padre Pio, to heart and converted to Catholicism. Shia is so pious now that he’s become a crusader for truth. As such, after Olivia Wilde told Variety she fired him from Don’t Worry Darling, God led his hand straight to his saved messages folder and told his new convert to impale her with his mighty sword of truth. Shia reached out to Variety after Olivia’s interview was published and shared a number of text messages, videos, and emails that contradict Olivia’s claim. Shia says he quit. And then some. It’s a MESS. I’m afraid Olivia’s been served in public once again. Good thing those messages didn’t burn up when he was rolling with Satan. God only saves those who save themselves by saving those receipts!
Britney Spears And Elton John’s “Hold Me Closer” Duet Is Here
Britney Spears’ last album Glory came out in 2016, and since then she hasn’t released new music beyond yodeling on Instagram. Well, it’s Britney’s return to music, bitch! As we’ve been hearing about for what feels like eons, Brit Brit joined forces with Sir Elton John for a re-working of his classic Tiny Dancer (or “the song that the lady from How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days sings on a bus in that old movie” as my uneducated little cousin calls it) called Hold Me Closer. The song also features a heavy serving of Sir Elton’s The One along with a spoonful of Don’t Go Breaking My Heart. It’s finally here, and Tony Danza’s ears must be tingling something extra today as we all warble out “Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza” while listening to Brit Brit and Elt Elt’s duet.
Ireland Baldwin Says She Doesn’t Get An Allowance From Her Parents, But Does Acknowledge Her Privilege
Most of us don’t give any thought to Ireland Baldwin unless someone just said “rude,” “thoughtless,” “little,” or “pig” in any capacity and it flashed us right back to that infamous 2007 voicemail, but apparently, she has a TikTok account and has recently taken to it to post several replies to people in the comment section questioning how she makes her money. According to TooFab, Ireland wanted to set the record straight; and while she acknowledges the financial and nepotistic privileges that her famous parents, Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin, afforded her, she sometimes models and now “works” and doesn’t get an allowance from them, ok?!