Megan Fox And Machine Gun Kelly Are Reportedly “On A Break”
Today in NO SHIT, SHERLOCK, a source tells Us Weekly that Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are officially “on a break”. This earth-shattering news comes ten days after Megan showed up to the Vanity Fair Oscar party sans engagement ring and five weeks after she took to Instagram to imply that Machine Gun cheated and they were through. The insider adds that the couple has pressed pause on their wedding plans.
Suri Cruise Is Already Applying To Colleges, And Tom Cruise Still Plays “No Part” In Her Life
I still remember the moment I first saw her. It was October 2006. I was in my college dorm room, manically refreshing every gossip site in existence to procrastinate writing an essay about some boring-ass poem by Robert Frost (I ended up getting a 60%, cuz the TA said I had “no thesis”). Suddenly, there she was, on the cover of Vanity Fair, with momma Katie Holmes and poppa Tom Cruise. A wee infant with a mop of dark hair and deep blue eyes. This was Suri Cruise, aka Scientology’s baby Jesus. Since her magazine debut in the mid-aughts, Suri has (GASP) grown up. Now she’s 16, going on 17, and, according to The Daily Mail, she’s already applying to colleges. The thesis of this story? We’re old. Continue reading
Cameron Diaz Will Supposedly Re-Retire From Acting After She Finishes Her Movie With Jamie Foxx
Back in 2014, Cameron Diaz announced her early retirement from acting, robbing us of our dreams to witness her in her Meryl Streep era. Then Cameron flip-flopped saying she’s coming out of retirement to star in the Jamie Foxx movie Back In Action. But apparently, things on set have been a little messy, and it’s got Cameron ready to retire from acting again- making her the Tom Brady of the film industry. Way to go, Jamie!
Open Post: Hosted By Pat Sajak “Wresting” A “Wheel Of Fortune” Contestant
Pat Sajak is definitely getting tired of hosting the sophisticated version of Hangman known as Wheel Of Fortune because these past few seasons have seen quite a few questionable moments. And normally, Pat is the culprit because Vanna White isn’t letting anything stop her forty-year-long check of revealing letters with a smile. In recent years, Wheel producers have been hoping Pat would finally solve their “P_EASE RETIRE” puzzle while Pat himself has been getting nastier with contestants to the point where he basically told one of them to shut the fuck up. And now, Pat is taking out his rage on another contestant by practicing his sweet wrasslin’ moves at the end of the bonus round.
97-Year-Old Dick Van Dyke Crashed His Car Into A Gate And Suffered Minor Injuries
Damn, dolphins! You had one job to do! TMZ reports that Dick Van Dyke, one of the world’s last remaining INTERNATIONAL TREASURES, folded his lanky 97-year-old ass into his 2018 Lexus LS 500 and crashed into a gate. Thank goodness that “he managed to avoid serious injury” and no thanks to his pod of guardian dolphins who pushed him to shore in 2010 when he fell asleep while surfing and drifted off to sea. No! Don’t scream “ACKACKACKACKACK” at me, you rubbery little freaks, I know he was on land, but if you save Dick Van Dyke once, you’ve agreed to save him for life. I hope you all get turned into tuna fish for what you’ve done.
Jewel Says Her Mom, Who Was Once Her Manager, Embezzled Over $100 Million From Her
If your initial shock was also that Jewel ever earned $100 million to be able for someone to embezzle it, I get it. But upon further ponderance, she and her trompe l’oeil titties have given us a lot. Much of the population has probably yodeled along with her to “Who Will Save (SAY-hee-AYVE) Your Soul,” and how many other razor commercial bangers can you remember besides “Intuition?” None, that’s how many. But instead of occasionally using the lyrics to “Hands” to joke about not being able to grip something girthy or resting her face against the cool, foggy car window while moodily mouthing “Foolish Games” like the rest of us, Jewel’s mom allegedly played some foolish games with her four-time Grammy-winning daughter’s pile of money when she used to be her manager.