After reading that Dick Van Dyke was in ANOTHER car accident, my first thought was, “He’s alive, thank GOD!” followed by, “Someone get this guy a chauffeur!” It’s unlikely that my latter wish will come true, but at least we will have Dick to treat us to more of his bizarrely charming Instagram posts for the foreseeable future. He’s just got a few scrapes from his automotive whoopsie, which he happily showed off to paps on Friday. There’s no stopping Dick’s effervescence! (Somebody should stop his car accidents, though.)
Damn, dolphins! You had one job to do! TMZ reports that Dick Van Dyke, one of the world’s last remaining INTERNATIONAL TREASURES, folded his lanky 97-year-old ass into his 2018 Lexus LS 500 and crashed into a gate. Thank goodness that “he managed to avoid serious injury” and no thanks to his pod of guardian dolphins who pushed him to shore in 2010 when he fell asleep while surfing and drifted off to sea. No! Don’t scream “ACKACKACKACKACK” at me, you rubbery little freaks, I know he was on land, but if you save Dick Van Dyke once, you’ve agreed to save him for life. I hope you all get turned into tuna fish for what you’ve done.
Do not come for Dick Van Dyke. Piers Morgan learned that lesson the hard way when he #tooktotwitter in an attempt to mock the 92-year-old legend, and now he’s dead. Dick killed him with a single look. Piers took a lame stab at a joke that Dick has probably heard no fewer than 8 million times (that’s roughly the same number of people who would be willing to sign a petition to have Piers replaced on Good Morning Britain) but gave it his own repugnant spin. Dick responded with a photo of himself giving the same expression most everybody makes when the hear the name Piers Morgan.
Early Reviews Of “Mary Poppins Returns” Are Looking Good. Can We Say The Same About The Fashions At The Premiere?
Last night was the world premiere of the much anticipated/hyped Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as everybody’s favorite bitchy babysitter. The early reviews are in, and either nobody wants to be the Grinch who shat on Christmas, or it hit its mark. According to Cinema Blend, the majority of the reviews are overwhelmingly positive. One critic called it “practically perfect in every way“. And for the most part, the red carpet looks at the premiere were pretty good too, for the women and children. However, there was a problem in the menswear department.
That tricky bitch Mary Poppins is back to terrorize a new pack of impish waifs in the full length trailer for Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as an umbrella wielding lunatic and Lin-Manuel Miranda as a guy who doesn’t think twice about playing with strange children in the park. This holiday season is going to be seriously twisted.
The international treasure with one of my favorite full names (for obvious reasons), Dick Van Dyke (formal name: Penis Van Lesbian), nearly did The Penguin Dance up to heaven today when his Jaguar burst into flames on the 101 freeway in Calabasas, CA. The Los Angeles Times says that the police were called when Dick’s car turned into a goddamn chiminea on the right shoulder of the freeway at around 2 this afternoon.
Dick apparently had no idea that his car was on fire and he had no idea that he was seconds or minutes away from becoming a flaming Dick. TMZ says a dude named Jason Pennington was driving by and noticed that a pepaw was stuck inside the burning car. Jason pulled Dick Van Dyke out of his flaming car and saved a jewel of humanity! Dick was a little out of it, but he didn’t have any injuries and didn’t need to be taken to the hospital.
It doesn’t surprise me that Dick Van Dyke was saved from a fiery death. Remember when a pod of porpoises magically saved Dick Van Dyke after he fell asleep on a surfboard? Dick Van Dyke is never going to die. Porpoises and heroes named Jason Pennington won’t let him. Thank every God for that.
And here’s the aftermath of Dick’s Jaguar courtesy of Mrs. Van Dyke.