Damn, dolphins! You had one job to do! TMZ reports that Dick Van Dyke, one of the world’s last remaining INTERNATIONAL TREASURES, folded his lanky 97-year-old ass into his 2018 Lexus LS 500 and crashed into a gate. Thank goodness that “he managed to avoid serious injury” and no thanks to his pod of guardian dolphins who pushed him to shore in 2010 when he fell asleep while surfing and drifted off to sea. No! Don’t scream “ACKACKACKACKACK” at me, you rubbery little freaks, I know he was on land, but if you save Dick Van Dyke once, you’ve agreed to save him for life. I hope you all get turned into tuna fish for what you’ve done.
You probably read that headline, shrugged, said, “Makes sense,” to yourself and continued to live your life. Mimi’s best friend is a fabulous dolphin named Osborne, because of course Mimi’s best friend is a fabulous dolphin named Osborne.
Above is a 100% authentic picture of Mimi posing with her beautiful best friend Osborne. How dare you accuse me of Photoshopping that shit. That picture is as real and raw as any of Mimi’s album covers. A day after Mimi blinded the eyes of her devoted lambs with her sparkly sausage beauty, she spoke to the press about her residency at Caesar’s Palace. Mimi talked to Robin Leach and I’m surprised diamond dust didn’t cover the camera lens during their interview. Mimi and Robin Leach in the same space together is opulence personified.
At around the 2:16 mark in the video below, Robin Leach asks Mimi if she’s going to do any fun things in Vegas with her twins. Mimi tells him that she’s already taken them to see the tigers and they went to Siegfried & Roy’s Secret Garden where she met a faaaabulous dahl-phin named Osborne! Somewhere, Hello Kitty, a Lisa Frank unicorn, a glass of champagne, a bottle of Valium and all of her dogs are suffering from the sads, because they thought they were Mimi’s best friend forever.
That is an actual picture of Osborne above. Mimi isn’t lying. He really does look sassy. I’m sure Mimi and Osborne will make many beautiful memories together. She’ll buy them matching broken heart BFF pendants at Claire’s. She’ll make them friendship bracelets. And they’ll spend hours playing Girl Talk. But I’m sure it’ll end in tears and sadness. Mimi will dump Osborne the Fabulous Dahl-phin out of jealousy when she learns that his highest high note is higher than her highest high note.
And here’s Mimi getting smart with a reporter who asked her if her show is going to have back-up tracks. What the reporter really meant to ask was, “Bitch, are you going to lip-synch or not?” Mimi let the reporter know that anyone who questions her live singing skills can sing in the shower with her. The question is at the 0:47 mark.
Mimi just gave herself an idea. Mimi loves to be as naked as possible, so I’m sure that at some point during her show she’ll take off her clothes and sing under a glitter water shower while Osborne the Fabulous Dahl-phin twirls in a pool below her. Now THAT is some shit I want to see.