Jewel’s Trompe L’Oeil Titties Are Confusing Me

Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).

Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception – a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.

While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.

Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!

Pics: Splash