More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
The rancid beef between Snarf’s drama-loving second cousin, once removed and the living Crank Yankers puppet lives on! On Wednesday night, Lil’ Kim released the follow-up to her remix of Beyoncé’s remix of “Flawless” (suggested title: “Faulty”), a not-so-subtle swipe at Nicki Minaj called “Identity Theft“. The song, which is a whopping 2 minutes long, features Kim rapping about how she’s still the best and she’s back and bitches better watch out or she’ll bust some angry imitation La Toya Jackson moves on you. But the real message I got from “Identity Theft” is that Royal Reign is keeping her mom up at night, because Kim sounds sleepy. Either that, or Kim accidentally ate an Ambien sandwich before they started recording.
Because Lil’ Kim is always a stickler for the details (see: Lil’ Kim’s tireless quest for finding the perfect cashew-shaped nose), she made sure the artwork for “Identity Theft” was just as subtle and nuanced as the song itself. The Garfield to Nicki’s Nermal (I know, how dare I drag Nermal into this dehydrated litter box cat turd of a fight) posted this picture of her New Jersey driver’s license with a photo of Nicki to Instagram with the caption:
“Be careful what you wish for… #HardCoreMixtapeUpNext #TheQueenIsBack #QueenBee”
If I were Lil’ Kim, I’d print that picture out and Mod Podge on top of my actual license, because that picture of Nicki Minaj is an UPGRADE. No T no shade, everyone takes a shit driver’s license photo: I look like a cross-eyed Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheat in a budget weave, and that was AFTER I gave the bitch at the DMV my watch and a $20 gift card for Swiss Chalet. So I can’t imagine what Lil’ Kim’s real driver’s license photo looks like. Actually, I can. She probably walks in to the DMV, they ask her to remove her scary Halloween mask, she slides a note from her surgeon across the desk that says “My bad!”, they mumble “ay dios mio” as they make the sign of the cross, and agree to use a picture of her purple pasty-covered nipple instead.
And in case you want to hear the robo-rapping of Queen Bey followed by slow-mo rapping of Queen B, here’s Lil’ Kim’s version of Beyoncé’s remix to “Flawless”:
Dancing With The Has-Beens resident toe-tapping man slut Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some hunky shade at his former BFFTXDUP (best friend forever till Xenu do us part) Kirstie Alley on the Watch What Happens Live after show on Tuesday. During a call-in segment, Maks was asked if Kirstie ever tried to slip him some barley water and lure him to the dark side in an attempt to convert him to Scientology. Even though his eyes said “Yes, and there are still white windowless vans following my ass around and people digging through my garbage and Tommy Girl won’t stop calling me”, his mouth said no, which led Andy Cohen to ask if he gets along well with Scientology’s Spanxed High Priestess. Maksim answered:
“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”
Maks didn’t have to name names, since anyone with a busted E-meter for a brain knew that the usurper in question is Leah Remini. Leah escaped the clutches of Scientology last year, and her picture has been on Kirstie Alley’s dartboard ever since. But what’s the connection to Maks and Leah? Maks has just entered a
PR contract totally sincere relationship with Jennifer Lopez, who just happens to be BFFs with Leah Remini.
So Kirstie, who’s clearly a 15-year-old high school bitch trapped in the body of a 63-year-old Spanxed marshmallow, found out that one of her friends is dating the best friend of a girl she’s in a fight with. So how does Kirstie tell Maks that she’s done with his ass? The same way most 15-year-old girls deliver messages: Maks says he found out via message through a friend. I can just picture it now: John Travolta marches up to Maks in the cafeteria, slaps him across the face, hisses “That’s a message from my gurl Kirstie, you backstabbing skank!”, then secretly slips Maks his number while giggling “OMG! Call me sometime?”
Here’s Maks’s girlfriend JLo and her best friend Leah out shopping in Hollywood yesterday. I bet Kirstie and John have already printed out these pictures and glued them into the Burn Book.
Pics: Fame Flynet
Kim Kardashian Threw Shade At Adrienne Bailon On Twitter For Throwing Shade At Her Brother In A Magazine
Former Cheetah Girl and current…uh…discount JLo impersonator (??) Adrienne Bailon recently gave an interview to Latina magazine (via Daily Mail) that has seriously pissed off former porn star and Botox enthusiast Kim Kardashian. A long long time ago, before Rob Kardashian fell in love with cheeseburgers and cough syrup, he and Adrienne Bailon dated/fucked/whatever for two years. She even got his name tattooed on her ass (#truelove). But then it ended, like all Kardashian relationships do, when Rob’s dick got bored and started sniffing around.
All this happened more than 5 years ago, but I guess Adrienne is still pissed about Rob giving her a pair of Arthur George socks for her birthday or something, because she decided to dig up the rotten corpse of their long-dead relationship during her interview. And Latina was like “Sure, why not? What else are we going to talk about? 3LW?”
“To be stuck with that Kardashian label, that was so hurtful to me and to my career. I probably realized that too late—not that it would’ve affected my decisions in terms of who I dated, but it would’ve affected my decision to appear on the show. At the time, I didn’t think anyone would even care. To this day, people will still say, ‘You ruined Rob’s life!’ and I’ll think, Damn, I was still playing with Barbie dolls when I met him.”
“It’s common knowledge that he cheated on me, and it always bothered me that people were like, ‘Pero, why couldn’t you forgive him?’ Why are women always the ones who have to forgive? He strategically planned things out so that he could cheat on me, and that to me was so disloyal.”
Upon hearing the news that someone would dare attempt to sully the unblemished reputation of the Kardashian name, Kim stormed off (aka sluggishly lurched like a lethargic zombie hooker) to Twitter to bitch out Adrienne:
Kim, you didn’t have to add “FROZEN VOICE” – everyone knows your voice sound like that of a recently-thawed caveman. But honestly, “So sad when people try to kick my brother when he is down”? THIS BITCH! Kim, please grab two chairs (one for each of your silicone-heavy ass cheeks) and take a seat. I’m sure if we looked under Rob’s shirt, we’d find permanent hoof-prints from all the kicking Kim has done. Kim is just pissed that Adrienne threw Rob under the bus without asking Kim for permission first. “Sorry bitch, but if anyone is going to get attention for talking shit about how useless my brother is, it’s me.”
Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!
Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:
“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”
TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.
This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.
Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.
UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this:
Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned nepotism fight! In this corner, Freddie Prinze’s has-been C-list heartthrob from the 90s son…Freddie Prinze Jr.! In the opposite corner, Donald Sutherland’s alcoholic Christmas Tree-choking heartthrob from the 80s son…Kiefer Sutherland! Let’s keep it clean, fellas. Just kidding, take as many nasty swipes as you’d like!
Freddie Prinze Jr. was at San Diego Comic-Con this weekend to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels (I bet he plays a popular-yet-sensitive droid named “Bro2D2″), but he’s apparently still very butthurt from the time he played Cole Ortiz on 24, because he took a moment during an interview with ABC News (via People) to rail hard on his former co-star Kiefer Sutherland:
“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”
“I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4.”
As much as I love a shady ho from the past who don’t give a flying She’s All That fuck, Freddie needs to watch his mouth and have a seat! Bitch, you were in Delgo! But I do appreciate the creativity in his excuse for why he went from A-list teen star to “The dude from American Pie, right? Am I close?” Freddie Prinze Jr. claiming that he stopped acting because he didn’t like Kiefer Sutherland is almost as good an excuse as Josh Hartnett’s “I stopped acting because I didn’t want to be Superman.” All we need is an excuse from Andrew Keegan, and we’re on our way to a BuzzFeed article.
And Kiefer has yet to publicly respond to his comments, but I’m sure he’s throwing
hungover still drunk shade at Freddie from underneath an old Christmas tree somewhere.
Yesterday, Nicki Minaj released the artwork for her upcoming single “Anaconda”, which featured a shot of Nicki proudly showing off her hungry silicone-stuffed beanbag chair booty devouring a pink g-string. Most of us rolled our eyes and told her to put it away, since we’ve all seen her ass a million times. And apparently our lack of respect for her airbrushed bubble butt pissed Nicki off, because last night she took to Instagram to complain.
Nicki posted four pictures of skinny swimsuit models like Nina Agdal and Lily Aldridge (you can’t call her racist though, because she threw in a picture of 1/2 Thai Chrissy Teigen) popping their bony model butts out with the caption: “Acceptable”. She then re-posted the picture of her greased up anaconda-swallowing-a-baby-hippo ass, which she captioned “Unacceptable”. Yes, it IS unacceptable! Why isn’t anyone trying to save that poor baby hippo?!?
Obviously she’s just upset that there weren’t more people drooling over her overstuffed pasta shells ass, but she’s sort of going after the wrong people (or butts, as the case may be). Comparing the bony flat asses of a bunch of boring Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to Nicki’s plastic grocery bag filled with off-brand Fix-A-Flat is an apples-to-oranges situation. It’s sort of like the time I threw shade at my friend after she’d admitted to smoking meth, and she hissed back that I was a hypocrite because I drank Diet Coke (her logic was that it’s “all chemicals”. Classic meth logic). Butts and meth, it’s all the same, you know?
But what Nicki doesn’t realize is that when people where telling her to put her to put her ass away, it was because we were trying to protect her! The second The Hammaconda got wind of the artwork for “Anaconda”, it would have no doubt called its lawyers and demanded they draft up a cease and desist regarding the blatant appropriation of their name, as well as the unlawful resemblance between their balls and her ass.
I’m making the exact same confused stoner face trying to figure out what in Ice House Hell I’m supposed to be looking at (I want to say “cupcakes”, but I feel like the correct answer is “a representation of the feeling of a crippling meth addiction”).
Billy Bob Thornton appeared on a recent episode of Oprah’s Master Class, and for whatever reason, he whipped out a sharpened french fried potater and went for the jugular of the Food Network show Cupcake Wars. Of all the truly disgusting mind-numbingly bad reality shows he could have hissed at, he picked the one about people trying to make small cakes. HOW MUCH IS PIMP MAMA KRIS PAYING YOU, BILLY BOB??
“We don’t need one show about cupcakes, as far as I’m concerned. But you know what, if you’ve got one, okay, that’s fine, let’s have a show about cupcakes. But does it have to be a fucking competition? Do you have to have Cupcake Wars? And I’m sure people who have been in war kind of take offense to that. Because seriously, it’s not that goddamn dangerous to make a cupcake.”
Damn, shots fired! Welcome to 2014′s newest feud, starring the dude who used to be a dragon tattoo on Angelina Jolie’s shoulder vs. a low-budget baking reality show who’s main viewership comes from owners who left the TV on so their cats wouldn’t get lonely. Who will win?!? It’s tough to say, but right now my money is on a re-run of Unwrapped.
Meanwhile, Guy Fieri just popped a bottle of sparkling donkey sauce to celebrate that there’s someone out there who doesn’t consider him to be the dumbest, most useless thing on the Food Network.
via E! News