Stop whatever you’re doing (“Being hungover? I wish” hissed all of our livers), because I have very important information about the former best friend feud of our lifetime. Or at least mine, and the middle-aged dude down the street from my house who hangs out in his Toyota Tercel blasting “Welcome To The Jungle” every Friday night. Whatever his name is (probably Dwayne), he’s going to be thrilled to hear this.
Slash, seen above looking like hot farted on sexy, recently admitted during a Swedish television interview (via Loudwire) that he and his former Guns N’ Roses bandmate and friend, Axl Rose, are friends again. Slash tossed his friendship with Axl into the trash shortly after Slash left GnR in 1996, and I always assumed those two would go to their graves hating each other. But according to Slash, he and Axl have kissed and made up.
“It was probably way overdue, you know. But it’s…you know, it’s very cool at this point. You know, let some of that, sort of, negative … dispel some of that negative stuff that was going on for so long.”
And just like that, there goes the image of a wrinkly old man Axl Rose writing “Slash is a dumb dildo” on the bathroom stall walls of a senior’s center. I’m not sure why my brain went there, but it did. But even though Slash and Axl are pals again, don’t expect them to reunite on stage any time soon. Or at least don’t ask Slash about it. That is NOT something Slash wants to talk about.
“Oh, I couldn’t answer that one, though. All right, let’s get off the subject, ’cause, you know, that’s an old one.”
I know Slash doesn’t want to jinx it or whatever and he’s acting all hush-hush, but there are some people who need to know if Slash and Axl Rose will reunite on stage once again: the glamorous Guns N’ Roses groupies of the 90s! Don’t they deserve to know that? Think of the groupies, Slash. They need to start deciding between you and Axl now.
So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.
It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.
“OMG don’t you just hate her? I totally hate her. Come by my locker later and we can continue to talk about how much we hate her” is no doubt what Taylor Swift thinks Katy Perry is saying to Miley Cyrus in the conversation above.
Okay so remember back to last week when Miley Cyrus ripped a hot fart in Taylor Swift’s precious direction when she told Marie Claire that the video for “Bad Blood” was a violent mess and side-eyed Tay Tay’s status as a role model? According to Hollywood Life, Tay Tay doesn’t believe for a second that those were Miley’s words, but that she was being used as a puppet for nefarious purposes by none other than her sworn enemy…KATY PERRY. Cue the thunder! Cue the lightning! Cue Katy Perry twirling the end of a pretend mustache and cackling maniacally like an old timey villain!
A source close to Taylor spilled the homemade peach sun tea to Hollywood Life, saying that the most popular girl at the popular girls table in the cafeteria is “suspicious” of Miley’s recent not-nice comments, and she’s pretty sure Katy is behind it.
“She knows Miley and Katy hang out and she knows Katy still talks so much trash about her, she knows she tries to turn people against her. She thinks Miley is just a pawn in Katy’s game, she feels sorry for her.”
Oh my god, is “I feel sorry for you” not the most passive-aggressive popular girl thing to say? I’m pretty sure it’s second only to “That’s sweet that you’re trying so hard to be like me; copying is the most sincere form of flattery.” Of course, Miley Cyrus is blissfully unaware of Tay Tay’s subtle shade, because she’s far too busy Instagramming topless night night selfies with her cat. Or maybe that’s just what she wants you to believe? It may look like a picture of a lady holding a cat, but it’s actually a subtle social media shanking directed at aspiring cat lady Taylor from Katy through Miley, right Taylor? Ooooh Katy, you evil mastermind, you.
Anthony Bourdain is known for regularly sprinkling salt on the b-holes of TV cooks by talking trash about them and on his recent national tour, he had some words to say about the least popular Garbage Pail Kid Guy Fieri and Adam Richman of Man v. Food. Anthony had nice things to say about Ina Garten, but wondered how does Guy Fieri de-douche (answer: he doesn’t) and said that Adam Richman’s show confirms that ‘Muricans are fat lazies. Anthony Bourdain didn’t specifically talk trash about Food Network’s Alton Brown, but People still asked him for this thoughts on Anthony’s words during an interview to promote his new show Camp Cutthroat.
Alton basically said in so many words that Anthony shouldn’t look down at TV chefs, because he hasn’t been seen cooking up anything (except for a bowl of shit talking stew) in ages.
During a recent interview with Marie Claire (I guess Moonshine Monthly already had a cover story), Miley Cyrus admitted that she’s not here for the real-world equivalent of Claire Brewster or her video for “Bad Blood.” Okay, but to be honest, unless you’re a member of Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie gang, who really is. Well, you know – besides the die-hard Riverdale High fans who always wanted to know what you’d get if Archie Andrews and Betty Cooper had a baby and raised it to be more of a princess than Veronica Lodge. According to Billy Ray’s kid, Taylor’s video is more violent than Hollerin’ Hank’s annual Christmas Day demolition derby and racoon roast. She also thinks it’s wrong to hiss at her for being a perpetually-naked hussy, because her titties never hurt no one.
“I don’t get the violence revenge thing. That’s supposed to be a good example? And I’m a bad role model because I’m running around with my titties out? I’m not sure how titties are worse than guns.”
Sorry Miley, but I’m afraid I must beg to differ. Two months ago I made the mistake of looking at your elderly ghost jizz-covered titties while eating a bowl of poutine, and my gag reflex started backfiring so hard that I almost choked on a cheese curd.
But I do get what she’s saying; we never see what happens after Tay Tay confronts Selena Gomez at the end of “Bad Blood“, and when you think about it, it’s dark as fuck. Like, I’m pretty sure when the video cuts to black, Catastrophe and Arsyn don’t go to Panera and talk out their problems over a chocolate chipper.
Of course, now it’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay swats back at Miley by writing a song called “Hillbully” (the video for which will be about a jealous, unpopular chipmunk).
And here’s more of Miley looking like Edie Sedgwick’s long-lost country cousin for Marie Claire, if you need that sort of visual imagery in your life.
Just a helpful production note for anyone who is planning on recording a menacing video message for their enemies any time in the near future: it’s difficult to appear tough when it looks like you’re filming in front of the Home Depot garden center.
Trace Cyrus, the Cousin Eddie to Miley’s Clark Griswold (technically I think they’re both the Cousin Eddie, but just go with me on this one) recently crawled out of the shallow end of gene pool and reminded us that he’s still a thing by threatening to fight other bands. That’s right. If you’re in a band and you’ve been talking shit about Trace Cyrus’ band, he WILL kick your ass…but only if you agree to sign a lengthy waiver promising that you will not sue him.
Despite hustling hard and working the press circuit like the rent was due yesterday, Hot Pursuit pretty much blew into the box office like a stinky fart and left shortly after. Most people have forgotten about Hot Pursuit, but not Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara. During the promo tour for Hot Pursuit, Reese and Sofia acted like they a pair of loyal-to-the-soil summer camp BFFs (see above). But according to Radar, both Reese and Sofia – who were producers on the movie – are pissed off that Hot Pursuit flopped harder than Jon Hamm’s dick after busting a nut, and they’re pointing angry fingers at each other. A source says:
“Sofia and Reese have turned the movie’s failure into a brutal blame game. Reese blames Sofia’s accent and ‘irritating laugh,’ while Sofia blames Reese for not being sexy or funny enough.”
Damn, you know you truly can’t stand someone when hearing them laugh makes your eye twitch. The worst part is, Reese can’t avoid Sofia’s high-pitched laugh for very long, because they both share an agent. Reese and Sofia are represented by Reese’s husband Jim Toth, and they’ve pulled him into their fight.
“Jim is desperately trying to broker peace between them, but then they start accusing him of playing favorites! He can’t win.”
The source also claims that Sofia was hoping Hot Pursuit might be her ticket out of television. The shoot schedule for Modern Family is long and hard, and Sofia is apparently over it. Unfortunately, Hot Pursuit was a pile of doo doo and she has to stick around.
Movies flop all the time, so it’s weird that Reese and Sofia are taking this so hard. They really need to look on the bright side; studios will release a sequel to anything if they think there’s a chance it might make a bit of money. And Hot Pursuit 2 would probably not make more than $20. So if anything, they should be thanking each other for sucking so much that they won’t have to work together again.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious by Julianna Margulies’ “Sorry, where am I supposed to be looking?” eyes, Archie Panjabi – aka the person who appears to be sitting beside her at that bar, who also has no idea where the fuck her eye line is – recently spoke about her final scene on The Good Wife and kind-of admitted that, yeah, they definitely didn’t film it together.
I’ve only seen a couple episodes of The Good Wife by accident, thanks to a remote with dying batteries combined with being too lazy to get off the couch and watch something else, but I didn’t have to see the finale last week to know it was a mess. Right away, people started whispering that it looked like Julianne and Archie pulled a green screen switcheroo for and shot their scenes on different days using stand-ins and some cut-and-paste technology. And that would make sense, since there have been rumors going around since Jesus times that those two can’t stand to be in the same room together. On Tuesday, UsWeekly cornered Archie at the premiere of San Andreas and asked her if her final scene with Julianna was bogus, and she burped up this vague answer:
“You know, I can’t answer that. It’s not fair for me to answer those decisions. As much as I want to. But those decisions are made by the producers. I’m not privy to those decisions. All I do know is I’m very grateful to the Kings for making the decision to cast me.”
That’s a lot of words to say “Was it that obvious I was saying my lines to bag of craft service table Cheetos in a wig?”
Damn, you know you truly hate someone if you can’t even pretend to drink tequila with them for the sake of collecting a check. Since it was Archie’s last show ever, does that mean they also had two going away parties that they spliced together afterwards? “Don’t touch the cake! We need that for the second group shot.”
Here’s Archie Panjabi at the premiere of San Andreas wearing some ‘bank manager on top, Game of Thrones on the bottom’ couture:
And now we know what it looks like when Kris Jenner calls her son-in-law into the Kardashian Khompound’s “lower office” for a business meeting.
According to TMZ, Dr. Kanye West is very very mad at the Billboard Music Awards. So mad. Madder than his wife after discovering Botox no longer makes suppositories for on-the-go sphincter wrinkle removal. Kanye is mad at Billboard for censoring the hell out of his performance on Sunday night. A “source” claims Kanye gave the producers the lyrics to “All Day” and “Black Skinhead” exactly how he planned on performing them, and there weren’t that many no-no words. But they still went ahead and hit the mute button on a good chunk of his audio, including lyrics like “my leather black jeans on” and “Middle America.” How dare they! Don’t they know how important Kanye West thinks Kanye West is?
Not surprisingly, Kanye released a statement through his publicist on Tuesday swatting at ABC for allowing the Billboard Music Awards to silence his genius.
“Kanye West was grossly over-censored at the Billboard Music Awards. Non-profane lyrics such as ‘with my leather black jeans on’ were muted for over 30-second intervals. As a result, his voice and performance were seriously misrepresented. It is ridiculous that in 2015, unwarranted censorship is something that artists still have to fight against. Although West was clearly set up to face elements beyond his control during the live broadcast, he would like to apologize to the television audience who were unable to enjoy the performance the way he envisioned.”
His voice was misrepresented? Are you kidding? That might have been the best I’ve heard Kanye West sound in years! I’m so used to a non-stop stream of asshole-isms and egotistical thought farts pouring out of his talk hole that hearing him say nothing was actually a nice change of pace. Not to mention all that silence gave me a chance to focus and reflect on the sound that truly mattered: that beautiful symphony of boos.