Before she went to bed last night, Kim Kardashian (with no help from Kanye or Khloe, uh huh) got a head start on her daily quest for attention by going after Bette Midler, Piers Morgan, and Chloe Grace Moretz on Twitter for hating on her for tweeting a picture of her naked body.
Since then, shots have been fired from all sides. Bette shot back at Kim by sniping that she’s nobody’s fake friend and read her for being able to take a selfie and not being able to take a joke. Kardashian family ally Bella Thorne slapped at everyone judging Kim’s decision to post naked plastic mommy selfies. Emily Ratajkowski came for Piers by calling him sexist, before rendering her opinion null and void by referring to what Kim does as a “career.” And now Miley Cyrus, seen above looking like The Three Blind Mice’s dirtbag drop-out brother, has taken a moment out of her busy pie-baking and ironing schedule to give us her thoughts on it all.
Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in…. Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!!
You know there must be a disturbance in the force when you find yourself agreeing with Miley Cyrus. But even though I agree with most of what Miley has said, I cannot with a good conscience get on board with her directing her message to “you ALL.” According to my religion (First Wivesbyterian), referring to Saint Bette Midler as “tacky” gets you a one-way ticket to Hell.
Pic: Miley Cyrus
Seen above looking like an Asian mannequin in goth stripper drag, Iggy Azalea did an interview and a spread with Elle Canada, because I guess a real cover-worthy star like The Hot Dog Hooker was either not available or turned their asses down. Iggy talked about her grand return to social media (cut to the tumbleweeds and crickets on Twitter welcoming her back) after she hilariously tried to pick a fight with Papa John’s and had many a tweet war with her permanent arch rival Azealia Banks. Before I get into round (I lost) of the Great Value version of the Kanye vs. Taylor feud, let’s get into Iggy talking about how she replaced her born nose with a nose that Mattel made for her.
We all know who the woman in 10lbs of high-grade spackle and 5lbs of flammable hair on the right is, but allow me to introduce the person to her left. On the left we have what the Internet tells me is a 23-year-old singer and songwriter named Ryn Weaver. She also happens to be the latest person to accuse Katy Perry of being the music industry’s Regina George.
I honestly thought yesterday’s Yeezy Season 3 show would end with everyone emptying onto the floor of Madison Square Garden and pressing $100 bills into the hands of those sad-looking models while whispering “I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m sorry you had to do this. Take this – I hope this helps.” Instead, it ended with the beginning of another goddamned feud between Kanye West and Taylor Swift.
Shortly after Kanye played one of his new songs “Famous“, in which he said the words “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.“, during his $2000 Pantyhose Ego Spectacular, Taylor’s brother Austin got it all started by angrily throwing out his Yeezy Boost sneakers on Instagram. Which was followed by members of Taylor’s friend army, like Gigi Hadid and Ruby Rose, chiming in on Twitter. Now Kanye has hopped on Twitter to let you all know that Taylor totally gave him the thumbs-up to call her a bitch and that they might hump. In fact, according to Kanye, it was all her idea.
Warning: If you’re the type of person who is prone to getting headaches that are triggered by a puppet-looking rapper and a puppet-looking (insert whatever Farrah’s job title is) screaming at each other on Twitter, then you might want to go grab a whole handful of extra-strength ibuprofens before you continue to read any further.
Today’s “Jesus Take The Twitter” moment begins with Nicki Minaj. According to TMZ, Nicki decided to shit on Farrah Abraham’s parenting skills after watching an episode of Teen Mom. But rather than do it with her friends in a group text that ends with everyone receiving a picture of Farrah’s plastic IKEA funnel boobs (like the rest of us), Nicki did it on Twitter.
“I hope you nasty bitches choke on your chicken salad fo-CAAAH-ccia finger sandwiches!” No, Giada De Laurentiis would never; choking would involve swallowing, and we all know Giada isn’t familiar with that.
For the past couple of months, the caricature sketch that came to life one day has been rubbing her par-MEEE-giano pocket against a technically-still-married TV producer named Shane Farley. At the time, Giada’s rep made sure everyone knew Giada and Shane didn’t start humping each other until August, five months after he filed for divorce from his wife, personal trainer Jennifer Giamo.
Well, it sounds like Jennifer has found a shoulder to ugly cry into, and Page Six says it belongs to Stephanie March. Back in April, Stephanie called it quits with Giada’s Food Network co-star Bobby Flay, during which a couple eyes darted over to Giada in an “Are you responsible for this?” way. Giada has since gone on the record saying that she’d never fuck on Bobby Flay full-time, but that hasn’t stopped Stephanie and Jennifer from kiki-ing about Giada’s homewrecker slut ways over tea.
According to a “spy” (Page Six makes it sound so juicy), Stephanie and Jennifer had a “royal bitchfest” during high tea at the Gotham Lounge last week. The source claims there was “lots of advice and tears“, which sounds like what happens after I drag a friend to a combination KFC/Taco Bell and dump an order of popcorn chicken on my nachos bel grande.
One of the things they Jennifer was apparently crying about was the possibility of Giada making an appearance in court during their divorce proceedings. However, Page Six claims Jennifer’s lawyer has told them that his client “has elected to take the high road” and won’t be dragging Giada’s ass in. Aw, that’s too bad. I was really hoping we’d find out some dirty secrets about those two, like that their first date was at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. Although I’m pretty sure any judge with a heart would let you plead the fifth on something like that.
One Of The Dudes From 5 Seconds Of Summer Hurt Justin Bieber’s Feelings During A Rolling Stone Interview
For those of you staring at this picture and wondering “For why am I looking at an off-brand Sum 41 in low-budget Dixie Chicks drag?” or looking at the second-from-the-left dude and thinking “I didn’t know Liam McPoyle had a son who was in a band“, it’s actually a band called 5 Seconds of Summer. You know, the current favorite band of your niece who asked for a Hot Topic gift card and a tub of Manic Panic hair dye for Christmas.
Anyway, 5SOS recently did an interview with Rolling Stone, during which their guitarist, Michael Clifford (the Chuckie Finster looking one that Chanel #5 wrote a breakup song about last year), spread his ass cheeks and squeaked out a stinky teen boy fart on Justin Bieber. I wasn’t aware that 5SOS had a problem with Justin Bieber, but 5SOS is trying really hard to be hard (see: their whole Rolling Stone interview) and nothing says “badass” like the baddest boy in your boy band throwing a pinch of shade at the current hardest toddler on the daycare playground.
Either Alex Pettyfer or Alex Pettyfer’s people (Does he have those?) have been trying to paint him as the new “bad boy” of Hollywood for years. Alex is supposedly shitty to work with and he bragged to VMan about how he got the words “thank you” tattooed over his dick just in case he forgets to say it. (I love a cocky b-hole douche so that made me swoon inside a little, but it turns out that his “thank you” tattoo is actually his name in Japanese. Getting your name tattooed in any language on your body is a zillion times more douchey than getting “thank you” inked into your crotch.) After Magic Mike came out, there was a rumor that Channing would rather toss a bitchy armadillo’s salad than work with Alex again.
They fought and Channing told people that he wants nothing to do with Alex. Alex was recently on Bret Easton Ellis’ podcast B.E.E. (via People) and he confirmed that yup, Channing hates him and he admits that it’s mostly his fault.
Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.
Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.
But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.”
Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:
Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.
Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.
And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”
You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”