Warning: If you’re the type of person who is prone to getting headaches that are triggered by a puppet-looking rapper and a puppet-looking (insert whatever Farrah’s job title is) screaming at each other on Twitter, then you might want to go grab a whole handful of extra-strength ibuprofens before you continue to read any further.
Today’s “Jesus Take The Twitter” moment begins with Nicki Minaj. According to TMZ, Nicki decided to shit on Farrah Abraham’s parenting skills after watching an episode of Teen Mom. But rather than do it with her friends in a group text that ends with everyone receiving a picture of Farrah’s plastic IKEA funnel boobs (like the rest of us), Nicki did it on Twitter.
“I hope you nasty bitches choke on your chicken salad fo-CAAAH-ccia finger sandwiches!” No, Giada De Laurentiis would never; choking would involve swallowing, and we all know Giada isn’t familiar with that.
For the past couple of months, the caricature sketch that came to life one day has been rubbing her par-MEEE-giano pocket against a technically-still-married TV producer named Shane Farley. At the time, Giada’s rep made sure everyone knew Giada and Shane didn’t start humping each other until August, five months after he filed for divorce from his wife, personal trainer Jennifer Giamo.
Well, it sounds like Jennifer has found a shoulder to ugly cry into, and Page Six says it belongs to Stephanie March. Back in April, Stephanie called it quits with Giada’s Food Network co-star Bobby Flay, during which a couple eyes darted over to Giada in an “Are you responsible for this?” way. Giada has since gone on the record saying that she’d never fuck on Bobby Flay full-time, but that hasn’t stopped Stephanie and Jennifer from kiki-ing about Giada’s homewrecker slut ways over tea.
According to a “spy” (Page Six makes it sound so juicy), Stephanie and Jennifer had a “royal bitchfest” during high tea at the Gotham Lounge last week. The source claims there was “lots of advice and tears“, which sounds like what happens after I drag a friend to a combination KFC/Taco Bell and dump an order of popcorn chicken on my nachos bel grande.
One of the things they Jennifer was apparently crying about was the possibility of Giada making an appearance in court during their divorce proceedings. However, Page Six claims Jennifer’s lawyer has told them that his client “has elected to take the high road” and won’t be dragging Giada’s ass in. Aw, that’s too bad. I was really hoping we’d find out some dirty secrets about those two, like that their first date was at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. Although I’m pretty sure any judge with a heart would let you plead the fifth on something like that.
One Of The Dudes From 5 Seconds Of Summer Hurt Justin Bieber’s Feelings During A Rolling Stone Interview
For those of you staring at this picture and wondering “For why am I looking at an off-brand Sum 41 in low-budget Dixie Chicks drag?” or looking at the second-from-the-left dude and thinking “I didn’t know Liam McPoyle had a son who was in a band“, it’s actually a band called 5 Seconds of Summer. You know, the current favorite band of your niece who asked for a Hot Topic gift card and a tub of Manic Panic hair dye for Christmas.
Anyway, 5SOS recently did an interview with Rolling Stone, during which their guitarist, Michael Clifford (the Chuckie Finster looking one that Chanel #5 wrote a breakup song about last year), spread his ass cheeks and squeaked out a stinky teen boy fart on Justin Bieber. I wasn’t aware that 5SOS had a problem with Justin Bieber, but 5SOS is trying really hard to be hard (see: their whole Rolling Stone interview) and nothing says “badass” like the baddest boy in your boy band throwing a pinch of shade at the current hardest toddler on the daycare playground.
Either Alex Pettyfer or Alex Pettyfer’s people (Does he have those?) have been trying to paint him as the new “bad boy” of Hollywood for years. Alex is supposedly shitty to work with and he bragged to VMan about how he got the words “thank you” tattooed over his dick just in case he forgets to say it. (I love a cocky b-hole douche so that made me swoon inside a little, but it turns out that his “thank you” tattoo is actually his name in Japanese. Getting your name tattooed in any language on your body is a zillion times more douchey than getting “thank you” inked into your crotch.) After Magic Mike came out, there was a rumor that Channing would rather toss a bitchy armadillo’s salad than work with Alex again.
They fought and Channing told people that he wants nothing to do with Alex. Alex was recently on Bret Easton Ellis’ podcast B.E.E. (via People) and he confirmed that yup, Channing hates him and he admits that it’s mostly his fault.
Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.
Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.
But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.”
Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:
Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.
Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.
And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”
You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”
Stop whatever you’re doing (“Being hungover? I wish” hissed all of our livers), because I have very important information about the former best friend feud of our lifetime. Or at least mine, and the middle-aged dude down the street from my house who hangs out in his Toyota Tercel blasting “Welcome To The Jungle” every Friday night. Whatever his name is (probably Dwayne), he’s going to be thrilled to hear this.
Slash, seen above looking like hot farted on sexy, recently admitted during a Swedish television interview (via Loudwire) that he and his former Guns N’ Roses bandmate and friend, Axl Rose, are friends again. Slash tossed his friendship with Axl into the trash shortly after Slash left GnR in 1996, and I always assumed those two would go to their graves hating each other. But according to Slash, he and Axl have kissed and made up.
“It was probably way overdue, you know. But it’s…you know, it’s very cool at this point. You know, let some of that, sort of, negative … dispel some of that negative stuff that was going on for so long.”
And just like that, there goes the image of a wrinkly old man Axl Rose writing “Slash is a dumb dildo” on the bathroom stall walls of a senior’s center. I’m not sure why my brain went there, but it did. But even though Slash and Axl are pals again, don’t expect them to reunite on stage any time soon. Or at least don’t ask Slash about it. That is NOT something Slash wants to talk about.
“Oh, I couldn’t answer that one, though. All right, let’s get off the subject, ’cause, you know, that’s an old one.”
I know Slash doesn’t want to jinx it or whatever and he’s acting all hush-hush, but there are some people who need to know if Slash and Axl Rose will reunite on stage once again: the glamorous Guns N’ Roses groupies of the 90s! Don’t they deserve to know that? Think of the groupies, Slash. They need to start deciding between you and Axl now.
So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.
It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.
“OMG don’t you just hate her? I totally hate her. Come by my locker later and we can continue to talk about how much we hate her” is no doubt what Taylor Swift thinks Katy Perry is saying to Miley Cyrus in the conversation above.
Okay so remember back to last week when Miley Cyrus ripped a hot fart in Taylor Swift’s precious direction when she told Marie Claire that the video for “Bad Blood” was a violent mess and side-eyed Tay Tay’s status as a role model? According to Hollywood Life, Tay Tay doesn’t believe for a second that those were Miley’s words, but that she was being used as a puppet for nefarious purposes by none other than her sworn enemy…KATY PERRY. Cue the thunder! Cue the lightning! Cue Katy Perry twirling the end of a pretend mustache and cackling maniacally like an old timey villain!
A source close to Taylor spilled the homemade peach sun tea to Hollywood Life, saying that the most popular girl at the popular girls table in the cafeteria is “suspicious” of Miley’s recent not-nice comments, and she’s pretty sure Katy is behind it.
“She knows Miley and Katy hang out and she knows Katy still talks so much trash about her, she knows she tries to turn people against her. She thinks Miley is just a pawn in Katy’s game, she feels sorry for her.”
Oh my god, is “I feel sorry for you” not the most passive-aggressive popular girl thing to say? I’m pretty sure it’s second only to “That’s sweet that you’re trying so hard to be like me; copying is the most sincere form of flattery.” Of course, Miley Cyrus is blissfully unaware of Tay Tay’s subtle shade, because she’s far too busy Instagramming topless night night selfies with her cat. Or maybe that’s just what she wants you to believe? It may look like a picture of a lady holding a cat, but it’s actually a subtle social media shanking directed at aspiring cat lady Taylor from Katy through Miley, right Taylor? Ooooh Katy, you evil mastermind, you.
Anthony Bourdain is known for regularly sprinkling salt on the b-holes of TV cooks by talking trash about them and on his recent national tour, he had some words to say about the least popular Garbage Pail Kid Guy Fieri and Adam Richman of Man v. Food. Anthony had nice things to say about Ina Garten, but wondered how does Guy Fieri de-douche (answer: he doesn’t) and said that Adam Richman’s show confirms that ‘Muricans are fat lazies. Anthony Bourdain didn’t specifically talk trash about Food Network’s Alton Brown, but People still asked him for this thoughts on Anthony’s words during an interview to promote his new show Camp Cutthroat.
Alton basically said in so many words that Anthony shouldn’t look down at TV chefs, because he hasn’t been seen cooking up anything (except for a bowl of shit talking stew) in ages.