Just a helpful production note for anyone who is planning on recording a menacing video message for their enemies any time in the near future: it’s difficult to appear tough when it looks like you’re filming in front of the Home Depot garden center.
Trace Cyrus, the Cousin Eddie to Miley’s Clark Griswold (technically I think they’re both the Cousin Eddie, but just go with me on this one) recently crawled out of the shallow end of gene pool and reminded us that he’s still a thing by threatening to fight other bands. That’s right. If you’re in a band and you’ve been talking shit about Trace Cyrus’ band, he WILL kick your ass…but only if you agree to sign a lengthy waiver promising that you will not sue him.
Despite hustling hard and working the press circuit like the rent was due yesterday, Hot Pursuit pretty much blew into the box office like a stinky fart and left shortly after. Most people have forgotten about Hot Pursuit, but not Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara. During the promo tour for Hot Pursuit, Reese and Sofia acted like they a pair of loyal-to-the-soil summer camp BFFs (see above). But according to Radar, both Reese and Sofia – who were producers on the movie – are pissed off that Hot Pursuit flopped harder than Jon Hamm’s dick after busting a nut, and they’re pointing angry fingers at each other. A source says:
“Sofia and Reese have turned the movie’s failure into a brutal blame game. Reese blames Sofia’s accent and ‘irritating laugh,’ while Sofia blames Reese for not being sexy or funny enough.”
Damn, you know you truly can’t stand someone when hearing them laugh makes your eye twitch. The worst part is, Reese can’t avoid Sofia’s high-pitched laugh for very long, because they both share an agent. Reese and Sofia are represented by Reese’s husband Jim Toth, and they’ve pulled him into their fight.
“Jim is desperately trying to broker peace between them, but then they start accusing him of playing favorites! He can’t win.”
The source also claims that Sofia was hoping Hot Pursuit might be her ticket out of television. The shoot schedule for Modern Family is long and hard, and Sofia is apparently over it. Unfortunately, Hot Pursuit was a pile of doo doo and she has to stick around.
Movies flop all the time, so it’s weird that Reese and Sofia are taking this so hard. They really need to look on the bright side; studios will release a sequel to anything if they think there’s a chance it might make a bit of money. And Hot Pursuit 2 would probably not make more than $20. So if anything, they should be thanking each other for sucking so much that they won’t have to work together again.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious by Julianna Margulies’ “Sorry, where am I supposed to be looking?” eyes, Archie Panjabi – aka the person who appears to be sitting beside her at that bar, who also has no idea where the fuck her eye line is – recently spoke about her final scene on The Good Wife and kind-of admitted that, yeah, they definitely didn’t film it together.
I’ve only seen a couple episodes of The Good Wife by accident, thanks to a remote with dying batteries combined with being too lazy to get off the couch and watch something else, but I didn’t have to see the finale last week to know it was a mess. Right away, people started whispering that it looked like Julianne and Archie pulled a green screen switcheroo for and shot their scenes on different days using stand-ins and some cut-and-paste technology. And that would make sense, since there have been rumors going around since Jesus times that those two can’t stand to be in the same room together. On Tuesday, UsWeekly cornered Archie at the premiere of San Andreas and asked her if her final scene with Julianna was bogus, and she burped up this vague answer:
“You know, I can’t answer that. It’s not fair for me to answer those decisions. As much as I want to. But those decisions are made by the producers. I’m not privy to those decisions. All I do know is I’m very grateful to the Kings for making the decision to cast me.”
That’s a lot of words to say “Was it that obvious I was saying my lines to bag of craft service table Cheetos in a wig?”
Damn, you know you truly hate someone if you can’t even pretend to drink tequila with them for the sake of collecting a check. Since it was Archie’s last show ever, does that mean they also had two going away parties that they spliced together afterwards? “Don’t touch the cake! We need that for the second group shot.”
Here’s Archie Panjabi at the premiere of San Andreas wearing some ‘bank manager on top, Game of Thrones on the bottom’ couture:
And now we know what it looks like when Kris Jenner calls her son-in-law into the Kardashian Khompound’s “lower office” for a business meeting.
According to TMZ, Dr. Kanye West is very very mad at the Billboard Music Awards. So mad. Madder than his wife after discovering Botox no longer makes suppositories for on-the-go sphincter wrinkle removal. Kanye is mad at Billboard for censoring the hell out of his performance on Sunday night. A “source” claims Kanye gave the producers the lyrics to “All Day” and “Black Skinhead” exactly how he planned on performing them, and there weren’t that many no-no words. But they still went ahead and hit the mute button on a good chunk of his audio, including lyrics like “my leather black jeans on” and “Middle America.” How dare they! Don’t they know how important Kanye West thinks Kanye West is?
Not surprisingly, Kanye released a statement through his publicist on Tuesday swatting at ABC for allowing the Billboard Music Awards to silence his genius.
“Kanye West was grossly over-censored at the Billboard Music Awards. Non-profane lyrics such as ‘with my leather black jeans on’ were muted for over 30-second intervals. As a result, his voice and performance were seriously misrepresented. It is ridiculous that in 2015, unwarranted censorship is something that artists still have to fight against. Although West was clearly set up to face elements beyond his control during the live broadcast, he would like to apologize to the television audience who were unable to enjoy the performance the way he envisioned.”
His voice was misrepresented? Are you kidding? That might have been the best I’ve heard Kanye West sound in years! I’m so used to a non-stop stream of asshole-isms and egotistical thought farts pouring out of his talk hole that hearing him say nothing was actually a nice change of pace. Not to mention all that silence gave me a chance to focus and reflect on the sound that truly mattered: that beautiful symphony of boos.
And no, not a dramatic after school-style slap fight behind their trailers while the rest of the crew formed a circle around them yelling “FINISH HIM! SCRATCH THE PRETTY OFF HIS FACE!” (I wish). According to Page Six, it was a just regular old mouth fight between George Clooney and Tom Ford, but it was bad enough that it made Georgie quit the movie they were working on together.
George was supposed to produce Tom’s upcoming movie Nocturnal Animals, which stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Amy Adams. But a “source” claims that’s not happening anymore because the two got into it and now Tom Ford is looking for a new producer.
“Ford is in Cannes because George Clooney was to produce the movie through his Smokehouse Pictures, with Grant Heslov. But they had a huge falling out over creative issues a few weeks ago, and Clooney is no longer involved.”
However, George Clooney wants you to know it was nowhere near that dramatic. George took a break from his tireless efforts as Just Stop‘s unofficial embassador to tell Page Six the real reason for why he quit.
“No falling out at all. It was just scheduling. Grant and I love the project and think Tom is fantastic. We just couldn’t do it when he needed to go.”
Meanwhile, Tom Ford isn’t saying anything just yet, but that could be because he’s too busy running around trying to find a new producer.
Now I’m curious about what that alleged fight was about. I’m guessing either Tom got tired of George bugging him to replace Amy Adams with his “amazing” wife Amal Clooney, or George caught Tom giving him a face full of bitchy side-eye when he caught him going back for second danish at the craft services table.
Here’s George looking like a suburban dad on his way to a weekend motorcycle meet-up in the parking lot of a Friendly’s while leaving the Late Show yesterday:
If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.
And Now For The Dramatic Instagram Fight Between Demi Lovato And The Artist Responsible For Her “Vagina Tattoo”
For those of you staring at Demi Lovato’s body like it’s a Magic Eye picture and wondering if you’ll ever see the vagina, take a look at her left wrist. Technically, that wrinkly pair of pink lips is supposed to be a tattoo of a kiss, and it’s something Demi got back in her not-sober days. Eventually Demi realized she had what looked like a gaping pussy permanently drawn on her body, and she finally decided to get it covered up a couple weeks ago. Demi posted a picture of a black and white rose where her pussy-looking tattoo used to be to Instagram with the caption:
“Thank you SO MUCH to my brother @GEESPOTAT2…It looks beaaauutiful and I LOVE it!! #RIPvaginatattoo #kidsdontdodrugs”
Of course, it was only a matter of time before the tattoo artist responsible for Demi’s snatch stamp, Ashley McMullen, showed up and responded to the giant passive aggressive dump Demi took on her work by dragging her on Instagram.
An almost 8-minute-long video of panda porn exists and yet there’s no video of Marilyn Manson getting fisted in the face at a Denny’s in Canada? I’d even take it in portrait mode. We have got to do better, humanity.
On Sunday morning in Lethbridge, Alberta, Marilyn Manson got a serving of Denny’s signature dish, pure fuckery, when he got punched in the face. Of course, everyone involved in this Rooty Tooty mess has a different story. One source tells TMZ that after performing at a show, the South Park goth kid trapped in the body of a Knott’s Scary Farm character strolled into Lenny’s, I mean Denny’s, at around 2am and for some reason got into a fight of words with people at a table. The source says that Marilyn called one of the chicks at the table a “bitch” and her boyfriend responded by doing what life has done a long time ago: punched MM in the face. But Marilyn’s manager has a totally different story…
Marilyn’s manager tells TMZ that he is an innocent angel in all of this and he did nothing wrong. Marilyn claims that he was enjoying his pancakes when two chicks came up to him and asked for a picture. Marilyn says he played nice, took pictures with the chicks and never called one of them a bitch. But for some reason, a guy flew out of nowhere and punched the white Halloween Town vampire makeup right off of Marilyn’s face before elbowing his makeup artist in the head. The puncher screamed about blowing up Marilyn’s next concert as Marilyn’s bodyguard (yes, he has one of those) dragged the crazy dude away.
The cops know about this Fists Over My Hammy fight, but no charges were filed and the case is closed. It’s closed for the cops, but it’s not closed for Marilyn. He and his makeup artist plan to go back to Lethbridge to press charges against the sucker puncher.
I take back everything I’ve said in the past about Marilyn Manson being as edgy as a bunny in a bow tie backpack. MM earned all the edgy points when he got punched out at a Denny’s in Alberta after midnight. It doesn’t get more hardcore than that. But then again, if you go to almost any Denny’s after midnight, there’s a very good chance you’ll leave with a busted gut from eating that shit and a busted face from getting punched out by a drunk bitch.
If there was video of this, it might be my new favorite Denny’s fight video, but since there isn’t, that title still belongs to the classic “Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me” brawl. There are a million Denny’s fight videos on YouTube, but this one has everything: drama, theatrics and dialogue that sounds like Chekhov wrote it:
Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:
“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”
The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.
Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.
Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.