Why do I get the feeling that Lily Tomlin read that headline and started screaming “Don’t hold back, Katniss! Whoop that trick, word-style!”
According to TMZ, things got all Hunger Games between noted asshole/director David O. Russell and America’s Girlfriend/actress Jennifer Lawrence on the set of the movie Joy on Tuesday. A source on the set says they saw an argument start between David and Jennifer over a scene that progressed into a dramatic cuss-filled screaming match. Surprise surprise, David O. Russell was doing most of the screaming and swearing (I head the O in his name stands for “Oh f#@$% c*!$#“).
“Na-na-na, I can’t hear you through the stack of bills I got from whoring, whore!”
This messy whore fight battle royale started on Friday morning when Amber Rose threw a side-eye at 25-year-old Tyga’s maybe ILLEGAL relationship with 17-year-old Kylie Jenner during an interview on Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club. Kanye’s ex-piece talked about Wiz Khalifa passing his peen behind her back and then got into talking about Tyga leaving her friend (and Kim Kartrashian’s ex-friend) Blac Chyna for Kylie:
“She’s a baby, she needs to go to bed at 7 o’clock and relax. That’s ridiculous. [Tyga] should be ashamed of himself. For sure. He has a beautiful woman and a baby and left that for a 16-year-old who just turned 17.”
Amber went on to say that all these little girls like Kylie need to learn from her, because she’s the whore Jesus and has already made all the mistakes that they’re making. Amber spit out the truth and didn’t even talk shit about Kylie, but since Pimp Mama Kris taught her hos how to stretch out a story for maximum attention, Khloe Kartrashian went after her on Twitter. PMK unhooked Khloezilla’s muzzle and unleashed the beast on Amber. Khloe barked out tweet after tweet at Amber instead of barking at the grown dude who is probably boning her underage sister.
Last night, Drake pulled a Beyonce and secretly released a surprise 17-song album titled If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late on iTunes, and while it didn’t crash every server farm in the midwest and make people call in sick to life like Beyonce’s did, it did probably cause some swearing to happen at the Kardashian Kompound (you know, in addition to the swearing that was happening between Kim and the nanny over why “the baby thing” had to go and ruin a perfectly good photo op last night by crying).
One of the 17 songs Drake released last night contained a slap at Tyga, aka the 25-year-old rapper who is allegedly dating 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. According to Spin, Drake doesn’t like Tyga because Tyga called him “fake” in an interview with Vibe last October. So for the past four months, that dramatic bitch Drake has been scrolling through his Bianca’s Choice™ Rolodex of Hate for the perfect read. And last night he opened the library and hissed the following in the song “6pm in New York”:
“I heard a lil homie talking reckless in Vibe
Quite a platform you chose, you shoulda kept it inside
Oh you tried, it’s so childish calling my name on the world stage
You need to act your age and not your girl’s age”
He really should have been more clear, because Kylie Jenner may be 17 in calendar years, but she’s 39 in bitch looks like years, thanks to the 8-layers of exterior paint and fillers she’s thrown on her face. Of course, Tyga took a swipe back at Drake on Twitter (which he later deleted):
That “fade from Brown” shade is a reference to the time Drake might have slept with Karrueche Tran. And are we sure Tyga is actually 25? He’s dating a teenager, he types like a teenager, he’s named after the most popular high school mascot, and he just threatened Drake with a high school-style “come at me, bro”. I think somebody should take a look at Tyga’s birth certificate; he might actually be acting his age after all.
I’ll give you three guesses as to where this dramatic mess took place. Oh fuck it, it happened at Art Basel in Miami (as if I really needed to even say it). So the past couple of days haven’t been so great for the soft-spoken snuggle prince of Canada. On Saturday, he found himself in the middle of a high school internet fight between Chris Brown and Karrueche Tran after he was accused of going on “dates” with Karrueche while Chris was locked up in jail. And then on Sunday – well, technically Monday, since this all went down at 4am (4am? WTF? Who parties at 4am when you could be sleeping?), Drake found his face on the receiving end of P. Diddy’s fist in the middle of a club.
It’s not exactly clear what started the fight, but there are two theories. According to the NY Daily News, Drake said something to Diddy’s girlfriend Cassie. Some sources say he was flirting, while other say he said something rude. Regardless, Diddy stepped in and whooped Wheelchair Jimmy. But according to Page Six, the fight had nothing to do with Cassie; sources claim that Drake and Diddy were arguing over the rights to a song and that’s when Diddy popped Drake in face.
Either way, it ended with Drake dislocating his shoulder and being taken to the hospital. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to light a new candle in my Drake shrine (aka a pile of Tim Horton’s timbits on a Degrassi Panthers jersey) and pray that Diddy didn’t mess up his beautiful unfrozen caveman face. I don’t care if he was hitting on Cassie or not, Diddy – you better not have fucked up Drake’s moneymaker!
And if Drake can learn anything from this weekend, it’s that he needs to close his gentle hugging arms to taken women.
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Conscious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Conscious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.
So I guess that bitchy high school girl feud between wannabe goth kid Katy Perry and butterscotch prom queen Taylor Swift is still a thing, and now it looks like Kay Kay has dragged her 36-year-old maybe-boyfriend Diplo into it. Yesterday, Diplo tweeted the following shade at Tay Tay:
Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty
— BABY DADDY (@diplo) November 12, 2014
Of course within minutes, one of Diplo’s followers set up a Fundly page titled – you guessed it – “Get Taylor Swift A Booty“. So far, the campaign to get Taylor Swift a booty has 29 supporters and has raised a whopping $45 (which is almost enough to buy a pair of Crownette padded briefs from Sears). This act of grown-ass mean girl cuntery pleased Diplo, so he continued to tweet the link to the Fundly page several times, as well as re-tweeting a joke that a petition was sent to the White House to include getting Taylor Swift a booty in the federal budget.
Last week, when Goopy Paltrow was surgically attaching her tongue to President Obama’s b-hole lips while creaming over him at the Democratic National Committee Fundraiser she threw at her house in Brentwood, Martha Stewart was probably in the kitchen pissing into the Dom Perignon, kumquat and lemongrass punch. Next to cuddling with the Terry Richardson needlepoint pillow she made herself, screwing with Goopy Paltrow has become Martha’s new favorite “good thing.”
The Grande Dame of the Cell Block started throwing side-eyes at Goopy Paltrow last year when she said that she’s the one who started the whole lifestyle thing and she thinks it’s “fine” that Goopy wants to get into the lifestyle game. Martha basically patted little Goopy on the head while saying under her breath, “Good luck, amateur bitch.” But the condescending pats on the head turned into a straight up shank to the face when she recently said that Goopy needs to shut her thin spaghetti lips and stop trying to be the next Martha Stewart. Goopy said she was “psyched” that Martha sees her as competition.
Well, the anti-GOOP hits keep coming and Martha came for Goopy again by making fun of the Eye Roll Hall of Fame-winning “conscious uncoupling” statement she shat up after the last broken pieces of her marriage were sucked up into the colonic machine.
HuffPo points out that in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha kicked at Goopy’s culito with this:
If you can’t read that third degree burn to the right ass cheek, here’s what it says:
Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.
I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the pie looks like a big plop of POOP on top of a piece of burnt, shredded cardboard. The POOP represents what Martha thinks of GOOP and the piece of burnt, shredded cardboard represents Goopy’s personality.
Some might think that Martha is being petty and immature, because she is Martha Stewart and Goopy is a lesser who should be as significant to her a soggy saltine. To which I say, shush the fuck up. Who cares if this is petty and immature. It’s highly entertaining. Appreciate the shade, don’t question the shade. Come sit with us in the peasant section and scream “SCALP THAT TRICK!” while watching two rich, pretentious blondies go at it.
Prison really did Martha good.
Because I want to post this Mona Lisa of GIFS as much as possible, this is what Martha Stewart did to Goopy Paltrow a few weeks ago:
The Grand Dame of Verbal Shade and the self-proclaimed inventor of lifestyle’n basically pulled some “Stay in your lane, bitch” shit on Goopy Paltrow when she was asked what she thinks of Goopy trying to be the new her. Martha wrapped her prison bitch grip around the mop of straw on Goopy’s head, dragged her to a chair and pushed her bony ass into it by saying, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”
Gwyneth Paltrow’s never-ending quest to be this generation’s Martha Stewart (you know, if Martha was an insufferable snobby come-to-life corn broom) continues. According to Fortune, Gwyneth needed to hire a new CEO for GOOP. In this case, I’m sure CEO stands for “Curator of Expensive Objects”. Obviously, Gwyneth would have loved to have hired herself, but she’s far too busy getting $1200 crushed abalone shell facials in the weekday garden at Castle Goopskull to run a company, so she outsourced. And who was deemed goopy enough to run GOOP? Former Martha Stewart Living CEO Lisa Gersh.
Gersh, a savvy media-industry executive with well over a decade of startup experience, left Stewart’s company early last year, after just six months at the helm, over disagreements with the veteran lifestyle guru about how to expand her business. At Goop, she’ll apply her strategic thinking about marrying content and commerce toward helping Paltrow compete with Stewart and build her own global lifestyle brand.
Oh, I can read between the lines here. First Martha puts on her prison-issued orange jumpsuit (they let her take it home as a souvenir) and word-shanks The Dry One, telling her to step off bitch, because rustic heirloom tomato tarts and perfectly-folded beds are her turf. Then The Dry One starts hanging around the Martha Stewart Living offices like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in hopes of catching a disgruntled employee, hiring said employee, and learning all of Martha’s secrets. Revenge is a dish best served bland!
Or maybe Gwyneth just hired her because she confused Lisa Gersh for Jami Gertz, who she then confused for Jami’s character in Square Pegs, Muffy B. Tepperman, and she knew she’d never find a more perfectly uptight obnoxious snobby soul sister to run her company. “Peeeeeople! It behooves me to tell you to buy this imported organic cashmere-filtered coconut water!“
I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!
During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.