And Now For The Dramatic Instagram Fight Between Demi Lovato And The Artist Responsible For Her “Vagina Tattoo”
For those of you staring at Demi Lovato’s body like it’s a Magic Eye picture and wondering if you’ll ever see the vagina, take a look at her left wrist. Technically, that wrinkly pair of pink lips is supposed to be a tattoo of a kiss, and it’s something Demi got back in her not-sober days. Eventually Demi realized she had what looked like a gaping pussy permanently drawn on her body, and she finally decided to get it covered up a couple weeks ago. Demi posted a picture of a black and white rose where her pussy-looking tattoo used to be to Instagram with the caption:
“Thank you SO MUCH to my brother @GEESPOTAT2…It looks beaaauutiful and I LOVE it!! #RIPvaginatattoo #kidsdontdodrugs”
Of course, it was only a matter of time before the tattoo artist responsible for Demi’s snatch stamp, Ashley McMullen, showed up and responded to the giant passive aggressive dump Demi took on her work by dragging her on Instagram.
An almost 8-minute-long video of panda porn exists and yet there’s no video of Marilyn Manson getting fisted in the face at a Denny’s in Canada? I’d even take it in portrait mode. We have got to do better, humanity.
On Sunday morning in Lethbridge, Alberta, Marilyn Manson got a serving of Denny’s signature dish, pure fuckery, when he got punched in the face. Of course, everyone involved in this Rooty Tooty mess has a different story. One source tells TMZ that after performing at a show, the South Park goth kid trapped in the body of a Knott’s Scary Farm character strolled into Lenny’s, I mean Denny’s, at around 2am and for some reason got into a fight of words with people at a table. The source says that Marilyn called one of the chicks at the table a “bitch” and her boyfriend responded by doing what life has done a long time ago: punched MM in the face. But Marilyn’s manager has a totally different story…
Marilyn’s manager tells TMZ that he is an innocent angel in all of this and he did nothing wrong. Marilyn claims that he was enjoying his pancakes when two chicks came up to him and asked for a picture. Marilyn says he played nice, took pictures with the chicks and never called one of them a bitch. But for some reason, a guy flew out of nowhere and punched the white Halloween Town vampire makeup right off of Marilyn’s face before elbowing his makeup artist in the head. The puncher screamed about blowing up Marilyn’s next concert as Marilyn’s bodyguard (yes, he has one of those) dragged the crazy dude away.
The cops know about this Fists Over My Hammy fight, but no charges were filed and the case is closed. It’s closed for the cops, but it’s not closed for Marilyn. He and his makeup artist plan to go back to Lethbridge to press charges against the sucker puncher.
I take back everything I’ve said in the past about Marilyn Manson being as edgy as a bunny in a bow tie backpack. MM earned all the edgy points when he got punched out at a Denny’s in Alberta after midnight. It doesn’t get more hardcore than that. But then again, if you go to almost any Denny’s after midnight, there’s a very good chance you’ll leave with a busted gut from eating that shit and a busted face from getting punched out by a drunk bitch.
If there was video of this, it might be my new favorite Denny’s fight video, but since there isn’t, that title still belongs to the classic “Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me” brawl. There are a million Denny’s fight videos on YouTube, but this one has everything: drama, theatrics and dialogue that sounds like Chekhov wrote it:
Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:
“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”
The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.
Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.
Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.
Naomi the Terrible is truly back (maybe)! She’s slapping down cameras in Cuba and possibly going after lessers in Paris. During yesterday’s Apple nerd jack-off session, Tim Cook shouldn’t have announced their $10,000 asshole badge called the gold Apple Watch. He should’ve announced that Apple is shutting down and closing their doors, because now that Naomi the Terrible has possibly returned, it’s time for her weapon of choice BlackBerry to rise to the top once again!
Page Six says that RiRi is the Helen of Troy of our time, because she’s got bitches fighting over her ass. A witness says that on Sunday night at a party for Dasha Zhukova’s Garage Magazine at club Castel in Paris, a chalk outline of Cara Delevingne’s brows almost ended up on the floor when she and Naomi Campbell got into it. One witness says that Naomi celebrated International Women’s Day by going after St. Vincent’s scissor sister for talking shit about RiRi.
On last night’s episode of The Real Dynasty Wannabes of Beverly Hills (And Encino), a restaurant in Amsterdam turned into the ring of PLOW (The Plastic Ladies Of Wrestling) when Lisa Rinna went after Kim Richards for alluding to having dirt on her husband Harry Hamlin. Lisa Rinna gave her greatest performance since her Depends commercial.
Jerri Blank’s long-lost twin sister Kim Richards has claimed that she’s been sober for 3 months, but during the last few episodes she’s been acting like she has fallen face first off the wagon. Lisa Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and Harry Hamlin has been sober for a few years, so she put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and got concerned about Kim’s current state. Kim already told Lisa to keep her nose out of her asshole, but her sobriety came up again during their dinner in Amsterdam last night and the totally natural, unscripted messiness came out.
Why do I get the feeling that Lily Tomlin read that headline and started screaming “Don’t hold back, Katniss! Whoop that trick, word-style!”
According to TMZ, things got all Hunger Games between noted asshole/director David O. Russell and America’s Girlfriend/actress Jennifer Lawrence on the set of the movie Joy on Tuesday. A source on the set says they saw an argument start between David and Jennifer over a scene that progressed into a dramatic cuss-filled screaming match. Surprise surprise, David O. Russell was doing most of the screaming and swearing (I head the O in his name stands for “Oh f#@$% c*!$#“).
“Na-na-na, I can’t hear you through the stack of bills I got from whoring, whore!”
This messy whore fight battle royale started on Friday morning when Amber Rose threw a side-eye at 25-year-old Tyga’s maybe ILLEGAL relationship with 17-year-old Kylie Jenner during an interview on Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club. Kanye’s ex-piece talked about Wiz Khalifa passing his peen behind her back and then got into talking about Tyga leaving her friend (and Kim Kartrashian’s ex-friend) Blac Chyna for Kylie:
“She’s a baby, she needs to go to bed at 7 o’clock and relax. That’s ridiculous. [Tyga] should be ashamed of himself. For sure. He has a beautiful woman and a baby and left that for a 16-year-old who just turned 17.”
Amber went on to say that all these little girls like Kylie need to learn from her, because she’s the whore Jesus and has already made all the mistakes that they’re making. Amber spit out the truth and didn’t even talk shit about Kylie, but since Pimp Mama Kris taught her hos how to stretch out a story for maximum attention, Khloe Kartrashian went after her on Twitter. PMK unhooked Khloezilla’s muzzle and unleashed the beast on Amber. Khloe barked out tweet after tweet at Amber instead of barking at the grown dude who is probably boning her underage sister.
Last night, Drake pulled a Beyonce and secretly released a surprise 17-song album titled If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late on iTunes, and while it didn’t crash every server farm in the midwest and make people call in sick to life like Beyonce’s did, it did probably cause some swearing to happen at the Kardashian Kompound (you know, in addition to the swearing that was happening between Kim and the nanny over why “the baby thing” had to go and ruin a perfectly good photo op last night by crying).
One of the 17 songs Drake released last night contained a slap at Tyga, aka the 25-year-old rapper who is allegedly dating 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. According to Spin, Drake doesn’t like Tyga because Tyga called him “fake” in an interview with Vibe last October. So for the past four months, that dramatic bitch Drake has been scrolling through his Bianca’s Choice™ Rolodex of Hate for the perfect read. And last night he opened the library and hissed the following in the song “6pm in New York”:
“I heard a lil homie talking reckless in Vibe
Quite a platform you chose, you shoulda kept it inside
Oh you tried, it’s so childish calling my name on the world stage
You need to act your age and not your girl’s age”
He really should have been more clear, because Kylie Jenner may be 17 in calendar years, but she’s 39 in bitch looks like years, thanks to the 8-layers of exterior paint and fillers she’s thrown on her face. Of course, Tyga took a swipe back at Drake on Twitter (which he later deleted):
That “fade from Brown” shade is a reference to the time Drake might have slept with Karrueche Tran. And are we sure Tyga is actually 25? He’s dating a teenager, he types like a teenager, he’s named after the most popular high school mascot, and he just threatened Drake with a high school-style “come at me, bro”. I think somebody should take a look at Tyga’s birth certificate; he might actually be acting his age after all.
I’ll give you three guesses as to where this dramatic mess took place. Oh fuck it, it happened at Art Basel in Miami (as if I really needed to even say it). So the past couple of days haven’t been so great for the soft-spoken snuggle prince of Canada. On Saturday, he found himself in the middle of a high school internet fight between Chris Brown and Karrueche Tran after he was accused of going on “dates” with Karrueche while Chris was locked up in jail. And then on Sunday – well, technically Monday, since this all went down at 4am (4am? WTF? Who parties at 4am when you could be sleeping?), Drake found his face on the receiving end of P. Diddy’s fist in the middle of a club.
It’s not exactly clear what started the fight, but there are two theories. According to the NY Daily News, Drake said something to Diddy’s girlfriend Cassie. Some sources say he was flirting, while other say he said something rude. Regardless, Diddy stepped in and whooped Wheelchair Jimmy. But according to Page Six, the fight had nothing to do with Cassie; sources claim that Drake and Diddy were arguing over the rights to a song and that’s when Diddy popped Drake in face.
Either way, it ended with Drake dislocating his shoulder and being taken to the hospital. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to light a new candle in my Drake shrine (aka a pile of Tim Horton’s timbits on a Degrassi Panthers jersey) and pray that Diddy didn’t mess up his beautiful unfrozen caveman face. I don’t care if he was hitting on Cassie or not, Diddy – you better not have fucked up Drake’s moneymaker!
And if Drake can learn anything from this weekend, it’s that he needs to close his gentle hugging arms to taken women.
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Conscious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Conscious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.