Last week, when Goopy Paltrow was surgically attaching her tongue to President Obama’s b-hole lips while creaming over him at the Democratic National Committee Fundraiser she threw at her house in Brentwood, Martha Stewart was probably in the kitchen pissing into the Dom Perignon, kumquat and lemongrass punch. Next to cuddling with the Terry Richardson needlepoint pillow she made herself, screwing with Goopy Paltrow has become Martha’s new favorite “good thing.”
The Grande Dame of the Cell Block started throwing side-eyes at Goopy Paltrow last year when she said that she’s the one who started the whole lifestyle thing and she thinks it’s “fine” that Goopy wants to get into the lifestyle game. Martha basically patted little Goopy on the head while saying under her breath, “Good luck, amateur bitch.” But the condescending pats on the head turned into a straight up shank to the face when she recently said that Goopy needs to shut her thin spaghetti lips and stop trying to be the next Martha Stewart. Goopy said she was “psyched” that Martha sees her as competition.
Well, the anti-GOOP hits keep coming and Martha came for Goopy again by making fun of the Eye Roll Hall of Fame-winning “conscious uncoupling” statement she shat up after the last broken pieces of her marriage were sucked up into the colonic machine.
HuffPo points out that in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha kicked at Goopy’s culito with this:
If you can’t read that third degree burn to the right ass cheek, here’s what it says:
Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.
I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the pie looks like a big plop of POOP on top of a piece of burnt, shredded cardboard. The POOP represents what Martha thinks of GOOP and the piece of burnt, shredded cardboard represents Goopy’s personality.
Some might think that Martha is being petty and immature, because she is Martha Stewart and Goopy is a lesser who should be as significant to her a soggy saltine. To which I say, shush the fuck up. Who cares if this is petty and immature. It’s highly entertaining. Appreciate the shade, don’t question the shade. Come sit with us in the peasant section and scream “SCALP THAT TRICK!” while watching two rich, pretentious blondies go at it.
Prison really did Martha good.
Because I want to post this Mona Lisa of GIFS as much as possible, this is what Martha Stewart did to Goopy Paltrow a few weeks ago:
The Grand Dame of Verbal Shade and the self-proclaimed inventor of lifestyle’n basically pulled some “Stay in your lane, bitch” shit on Goopy Paltrow when she was asked what she thinks of Goopy trying to be the new her. Martha wrapped her prison bitch grip around the mop of straw on Goopy’s head, dragged her to a chair and pushed her bony ass into it by saying, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”
Gwyneth Paltrow’s never-ending quest to be this generation’s Martha Stewart (you know, if Martha was an insufferable snobby come-to-life corn broom) continues. According to Fortune, Gwyneth needed to hire a new CEO for GOOP. In this case, I’m sure CEO stands for “Curator of Expensive Objects”. Obviously, Gwyneth would have loved to have hired herself, but she’s far too busy getting $1200 crushed abalone shell facials in the weekday garden at Castle Goopskull to run a company, so she outsourced. And who was deemed goopy enough to run GOOP? Former Martha Stewart Living CEO Lisa Gersh.
Gersh, a savvy media-industry executive with well over a decade of startup experience, left Stewart’s company early last year, after just six months at the helm, over disagreements with the veteran lifestyle guru about how to expand her business. At Goop, she’ll apply her strategic thinking about marrying content and commerce toward helping Paltrow compete with Stewart and build her own global lifestyle brand.
Oh, I can read between the lines here. First Martha puts on her prison-issued orange jumpsuit (they let her take it home as a souvenir) and word-shanks The Dry One, telling her to step off bitch, because rustic heirloom tomato tarts and perfectly-folded beds are her turf. Then The Dry One starts hanging around the Martha Stewart Living offices like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in hopes of catching a disgruntled employee, hiring said employee, and learning all of Martha’s secrets. Revenge is a dish best served bland!
Or maybe Gwyneth just hired her because she confused Lisa Gersh for Jami Gertz, who she then confused for Jami’s character in Square Pegs, Muffy B. Tepperman, and she knew she’d never find a more perfectly uptight obnoxious snobby soul sister to run her company. “Peeeeeople! It behooves me to tell you to buy this imported organic cashmere-filtered coconut water!“
I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!
During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
The rancid beef between Snarf’s drama-loving second cousin, once removed and the living Crank Yankers puppet lives on! On Wednesday night, Lil’ Kim released the follow-up to her remix of Beyoncé’s remix of “Flawless” (suggested title: “Faulty”), a not-so-subtle swipe at Nicki Minaj called “Identity Theft“. The song, which is a whopping 2 minutes long, features Kim rapping about how she’s still the best and she’s back and bitches better watch out or she’ll bust some angry imitation La Toya Jackson moves on you. But the real message I got from “Identity Theft” is that Royal Reign is keeping her mom up at night, because Kim sounds sleepy. Either that, or Kim accidentally ate an Ambien sandwich before they started recording.
Because Lil’ Kim is always a stickler for the details (see: Lil’ Kim’s tireless quest for finding the perfect cashew-shaped nose), she made sure the artwork for “Identity Theft” was just as subtle and nuanced as the song itself. The Garfield to Nicki’s Nermal (I know, how dare I drag Nermal into this dehydrated litter box cat turd of a fight) posted this picture of her New Jersey driver’s license with a photo of Nicki to Instagram with the caption:
“Be careful what you wish for… #HardCoreMixtapeUpNext #TheQueenIsBack #QueenBee”
If I were Lil’ Kim, I’d print that picture out and Mod Podge on top of my actual license, because that picture of Nicki Minaj is an UPGRADE. No T no shade, everyone takes a shit driver’s license photo: I look like a cross-eyed Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheat in a budget weave, and that was AFTER I gave the bitch at the DMV my watch and a $20 gift card for Swiss Chalet. So I can’t imagine what Lil’ Kim’s real driver’s license photo looks like. Actually, I can. She probably walks in to the DMV, they ask her to remove her scary Halloween mask, she slides a note from her surgeon across the desk that says “My bad!”, they mumble “ay dios mio” as they make the sign of the cross, and agree to use a picture of her purple pasty-covered nipple instead.
And in case you want to hear the robo-rapping of Queen Bey followed by slow-mo rapping of Queen B, here’s Lil’ Kim’s version of Beyoncé’s remix to “Flawless”:
Dancing With The Has-Beens resident toe-tapping man slut Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some hunky shade at his former BFFTXDUP (best friend forever till Xenu do us part) Kirstie Alley on the Watch What Happens Live after show on Tuesday. During a call-in segment, Maks was asked if Kirstie ever tried to slip him some barley water and lure him to the dark side in an attempt to convert him to Scientology. Even though his eyes said “Yes, and there are still white windowless vans following my ass around and people digging through my garbage and Tommy Girl won’t stop calling me”, his mouth said no, which led Andy Cohen to ask if he gets along well with Scientology’s Spanxed High Priestess. Maksim answered:
“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”
Maks didn’t have to name names, since anyone with a busted E-meter for a brain knew that the usurper in question is Leah Remini. Leah escaped the clutches of Scientology last year, and her picture has been on Kirstie Alley’s dartboard ever since. But what’s the connection to Maks and Leah? Maks has just entered a
PR contract totally sincere relationship with Jennifer Lopez, who just happens to be BFFs with Leah Remini.
So Kirstie, who’s clearly a 15-year-old high school bitch trapped in the body of a 63-year-old Spanxed marshmallow, found out that one of her friends is dating the best friend of a girl she’s in a fight with. So how does Kirstie tell Maks that she’s done with his ass? The same way most 15-year-old girls deliver messages: Maks says he found out via message through a friend. I can just picture it now: John Travolta marches up to Maks in the cafeteria, slaps him across the face, hisses “That’s a message from my gurl Kirstie, you backstabbing skank!”, then secretly slips Maks his number while giggling “OMG! Call me sometime?”
Here’s Maks’s girlfriend JLo and her best friend Leah out shopping in Hollywood yesterday. I bet Kirstie and John have already printed out these pictures and glued them into the Burn Book.
Pics: Fame Flynet
Kim Kardashian Threw Shade At Adrienne Bailon On Twitter For Throwing Shade At Her Brother In A Magazine
Former Cheetah Girl and current…uh…discount JLo impersonator (??) Adrienne Bailon recently gave an interview to Latina magazine (via Daily Mail) that has seriously pissed off former porn star and Botox enthusiast Kim Kardashian. A long long time ago, before Rob Kardashian fell in love with cheeseburgers and cough syrup, he and Adrienne Bailon dated/fucked/whatever for two years. She even got his name tattooed on her ass (#truelove). But then it ended, like all Kardashian relationships do, when Rob’s dick got bored and started sniffing around.
All this happened more than 5 years ago, but I guess Adrienne is still pissed about Rob giving her a pair of Arthur George socks for her birthday or something, because she decided to dig up the rotten corpse of their long-dead relationship during her interview. And Latina was like “Sure, why not? What else are we going to talk about? 3LW?”
“To be stuck with that Kardashian label, that was so hurtful to me and to my career. I probably realized that too late—not that it would’ve affected my decisions in terms of who I dated, but it would’ve affected my decision to appear on the show. At the time, I didn’t think anyone would even care. To this day, people will still say, ‘You ruined Rob’s life!’ and I’ll think, Damn, I was still playing with Barbie dolls when I met him.”
“It’s common knowledge that he cheated on me, and it always bothered me that people were like, ‘Pero, why couldn’t you forgive him?’ Why are women always the ones who have to forgive? He strategically planned things out so that he could cheat on me, and that to me was so disloyal.”
Upon hearing the news that someone would dare attempt to sully the unblemished reputation of the Kardashian name, Kim stormed off (aka sluggishly lurched like a lethargic zombie hooker) to Twitter to bitch out Adrienne:
Kim, you didn’t have to add “FROZEN VOICE” – everyone knows your voice sound like that of a recently-thawed caveman. But honestly, “So sad when people try to kick my brother when he is down”? THIS BITCH! Kim, please grab two chairs (one for each of your silicone-heavy ass cheeks) and take a seat. I’m sure if we looked under Rob’s shirt, we’d find permanent hoof-prints from all the kicking Kim has done. Kim is just pissed that Adrienne threw Rob under the bus without asking Kim for permission first. “Sorry bitch, but if anyone is going to get attention for talking shit about how useless my brother is, it’s me.”