Okay, well, the second big question of the night since the first was, “How much pandering can the Hollywood Foreign Press Association do to pull themselves out of the disastrous hole they dug for themselves?” The show’s host, comedian Jerrod Carmichael, addressed that shit in his opening monologue by bluntly saying, “I’m here because I’m Black.” That got big laughs. But later in the night, Jerrod brought out the three Golden Globes that Tom Cruise returned to sender because the Jesus of Scientology is way too good to be associated with such a shady and diabolical organization. Jerrod then dropped a “Where is Shelly?” joke, and some laughed and clapped, but others groaned or stayed uncomfortably quiet. The audience obviously got the memo that it’s now okay to laugh at what a mess the HFPA is, but there was no memo that it’s okay to laugh at Scientology disses. Stick to one cause, Jerrod!
The Golden Globes returned to TV screens this year after the last two ceremonies went unaired due to the COVID pandemic and the HFPA’s lack of diversity in its voting membership, as well as accusations of bribery. That led to several celebrities boycotting future ceremonies. One of the year’s nominees, Brendan Fraser, also boycotted the show over how the HFPA handled his allegation that the organization’s then-president groped him in 2003. So the HFPA has been trying to reboot its caca-covered image. In 2021, they announced that they added six new Black members (RACISM IS OVER!) and vowed to continue to diversify. At the top of last night’s show, Jerrod got into it right away and told the audience that he was hired because he’s Black, and then shared the conversation he had with the show’s producer Stephen Hill when he was offered the hosting gig.
I’ll tell you how I got here. Why am I here on the stage with you guys tonight? Well, I was at home, just drinking tea, when I got a phone call from my man Stephen Hill. Stephen Hill is a great producer, and he said, “Jerrod, really, I’m honored to be making this phone call.” He said, “I’m producing the 80th Golden Globes, and it would be an honor if you would agree to join as the host.”
I was like, “Whoa.” One minute, you’re making mint tea at home, the next, you’re invited to be the Black face of an embattled white organization. Life really comes at you fast, you know? So I said, “Stephen, I’m torn. I’ll be honest with you. I’m a little torn because one, it’s a great opportunity, thank you for the call. But I’m only being asked to host this, I know, because I’m Black.”
And Stephen said, “Let me stop you right there, Jerrod.” He said, “You are being asked to host this show because you are talented. You’re being asked to host this show because you’re charming.” He said, “You’re being asked to host this show because you are one of the greatest comedians of a generation.” But Stephen’s Black, so what does he know? Like, he’s only producing this show because he’s Black. They’re not gonna tell him why he’s here either. So I said, “Stephen, this is a lot for me. Let me call you back.”
When Jerrod wrapped up his call with Stephen, he immediately called his “homegirl Avery” who “for the sake of this monologue, represents every Black person in America,” to ask her advice. After Jerrod let Avery know that the Golden Globes are the awards show that “last year didn’t air because of the no Black people thing,” she asked the question that many people would ask: How big is the check? The check was worth $500,000, so Avery told him to put on a suit and take the money.
So Jerrod took the gig, but when the HFPA’s current president demanded a sit down with him to tell him all the ways the organization has changed, he refused because “I don’t really need to hear that. I took this job assuming they hadn’t changed at all.” And then he welcomed everyone to one of Hollywood’s biggest circle jerks of the year!
But it’s not why I’m here. I’m here, truly, because all of you. I look out into this room and I see a lot of talented people. People that I admire, people that I would like to be like, people that I’m jealous of, and people that are actually really incredible artists. And regardless of whatever the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s past may be, this is an evening where we get to celebrate. And I think this industry deserves evenings like these. And I’m happy you all are here, and I’m happy I’m here, and I hope you have some fun tonight.
Here’s Jerrod’s full opening monologue featuring audience members wondering, “Err, do we laugh or do we make oh-so-serious faces for the camera?”
Jerrod kept the awkwardness coming later in the show when introducing presenters Glen Powell and Jay Ellis from Top Gun: Maverick. While introducing Tom’s co-stars, Jarrod held the three Golden Globe awards that Tom returned in a gesture that’s more hollow than him. Jerrod decided to slap a trick back by saying, “I’m just the host, briefly, or whatever, but I have a pitch. I think maybe we take these three things and exchange them for the safe return of Shelly Miscavige.” Listen, I can barely walk and talk at the same time, but Jerrod’s diss showed me that I can gasp and clap at the same time. In case you don’t know, Shelly Miscavige is the wife of Scientology head bitch David Miscavige and she hasn’t been seen in public for a while. Scientologist turned anti-CO$ warrior queen Leah Remini filed a missing persons report on Shelly with the LAPD years ago, but the case was quickly closed after cops declared that Shelly is alive and well and not missing. Leah recently demanded an investigation into the LAPD’s suspect relation$hip with Scientology. David Miscavige accused Leah of stuntery and said the accusation was “cooked up with unemployed anti-zealots.” So, of course, Jerrod’s call-out got The Leah Remini Stamp of Approval:
Thank you Jerrod Carmichael!
— Leah Remini (@LeahRemini) January 11, 2023
Top Gun: Maverick got two nominations last night, but obviously, Tom Cruise wasn’t there. I do wonder if Jerrod would’ve mentioned Shelly Miscavige’s name if Tom was in the audience. Probably not, but I would’ve loved to see Tom desperately trying to keep his fake golden boy of Hollywood smile intact as he seriously fought the urge to reboot the Will Smith Oscars slap.