Category: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise Was The Star Of One Of Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee Celebrations
Imagine spending 70 years on the British throne in an uncomfortable gold crown and an endless amount of pastel skirt suits, denied even the most basic of life’s pleasures, like peeling and eating a banana like a regular person, just to get upstaged by a couch-jumping Yankee at one of your many Platinum Jubilee celebrations? The indignity! I’d suggest he be taken straight to the gallows for reprogramming, but Tom Cruise might respond, “Cool, which ones – yours or ours?“, and that might just confuse things further. Luckily Queen Elizabeth has many more Platinum Jubilee events to be the star of. She just had her spotlight stolen a bit at this most recent one, and not just by Tom Cruise, but also by Dame Helen Mirren, who was in attendance as well.
Tom Cruise Arrived On The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of “Top Gun: Maverick” In A Helicopter
It took 36 years, but Tom Cruise has finally busted his Top Gun: Maverick nut all over the windshield of his F-14 Tomcat, which is probably why he had to fly onto the red carpet for yesterday’s premiere in a helicopter. Tom’s jizz is filled with thetens (that’s how he sheds them) which, if you’ve ever seen a mirror in a bathroom at a Scientology Center, you know are next to impossible to remove. So Tom’s Tomcat probably had to be decommissioned. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the four-hour-long red carpet extravaganza was held in San Diego aboard the USS Midway, a retired aircraft carrier. This means I can finally be honorably discharged, WITH DISTINCTION, for my tireless dedication to making up goof names for Top Gun 2: Secrets of The Bottom Drawer. And with that, I am out. May you have fair winds and following seas. I’ll take my 21-gun salute to go.
Open Post: Hosted By My Worst Nightmare — Tom Cruise “Poking Fun” At James Corden
I’ve got a friend who hates Tom Cruise with the power of a thousand suns. Always has. The easiest way to troll her is to show her a picture of Tom, preferably one that highlights his, let’s call it his “illusional dental geometry.” She’s also not a big fan of Elvis or Baz Luhrmann. So when we went to go see Swole Vampire Eric at the theater this past weekend, and the trailer for Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis came on, I leaned over and whispered in her ear “is your worst nightmare Tom Cruise starring in Baz Luhrman’s Elvis?” This bitch literally got up and walked out of the theater and didn’t come back until the trailers were over.
Lady Gaga Tells Berlin “Hold My Beer” With Her Single “Hold My Hand” For “Top Gun: Maverick”
It’s going to take more than Lady Gaga splayed out on the side of an airplane wearing dog tags getting her coochie rumbled by G-force to convince me that Top Gun: Maverick is ever going to actually come out. But it’s a start. Variety reports that Gaga is trying to give Berlin a run for their residuals with a “soaring rock tune with violins and guitar licks that harken back to the power ballads of the ’80s” called Hold My Hand. The single is out today, and Top Gun 2: Cockpit Cockfight is scheduled to premiere in theaters on May 27, but it was originally slated to open in July 2019, the same year Gaga won her Oscar for Shallow from A Star is Born. That means, even if Gaga doesn’t get any plumb dramatic roles this year, she’s going to be campaigning HARD. I fully expect Hold My Hand to be playing at every Krogers, Lucky’s, fireworks show, and Dental office in the country for the entirety of the summer.
“Mission: Impossible VII” Has Reportedly Cost $290 Million To Make So Far
Mission: Impossible VII is really taking its name a bit too seriously, because it’s reportedly been a mess to make and is not coming out until July 14, 2023, after yet another pushback in January. And Variety heard from sources who say that the movie is reaching $290 million in production costs thanks to COVID-19 and being a big-budget action movie in the first place. Yikes, that’s pricey! Tom Cruise can’t be happy at surely is at risk of losing it on some crew members again. Don’t stand too close together!
Some Marvel Fans Think Tom Cruise Might Have A Cameo In “Doctor Strange 2”
To the casual viewer, the MCU is largely a messy nonsensical world with a cult-like following where mortals have superpowers and claim they are trying to save the world but actually end up destroying people’s lives and ruining entire cities. Plus there are sometimes aliens from outer space? Oops, sorry, did I say Marvelverse? I meant to say Scientology. But honestly, potato/potahto, thetan/thanos. So maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that recent leaks from the set of Doctor Strange 2: Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness hint that that world’s most vigorous Dianetics thumper, Tom Cruise, might show up in a cameo as Iron Man/Tony Stark. I guess this was easier than trying to get Battlefield Earth 2: Maverick of the Universe financed.