Category: #thesetryingtimes
Ryan Reynolds Will Make A Mint From T-Mobile’s $1.35 Billion Purchase of His Company Mint Mobile
With four mouths to feed, who could begrudge Jr. tycoon Ryan Reynolds a dime of his hard-invested dollars. Especially considering that the free mammy services he and his wife, Blake Lively, got as part of their plantation wedding package expired years ago. Paid labor costs a pretty penny, especially in #thesetryingtimes. So good thing Ryan and Blake’s kids are set for life, and their kids are set for life, and their kids are set for life now that another one of Ryan’s ships has finally come in. Variety reports that T-Mobile has just acquired Ka’ena Corp., the parent company of Mint Mobile, a wireless phone company that Ryan owns a 25% stake in, “in a deal worth up to $1.35 billion.” Meanwhile, Ryan’s Deadpool co-star Hugh Jackman is still getting fat the old-fashioned way.
Kanye West Was Too Busy Running For President To Attend Kim Kardashian’s Private Island 40th Birthday Celebrations
Feeling despondent, angry, or depressed in the face of #thesetryingtimes? Well don’t worry, future first lady hopeful Kim Kardashian West understands. She’s just as in touch with the plight of the average American as her husband, presidential candidate Kanye West. Kim recently celebrated her 40th birthday, but since things are tough all over, she kept it simple with a low-key affair which involved flying her “closest inner circle” (which apparently does not include her husband) to a private island where they “danced, rode bikes, swam near whales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach and so much more.” And lest you forget that Kim is a woman of the people, nay THE woman of the people (if Kanye gets his wish), Kim made sure to remind her fans that she is aware that “for most people, this is something that is so far out of reach right now.” So maybe try not to be so poor and gross anymore, OK? It’s kind of bumming everyone out.
Movie Theaters Are Closing Because Of Coronavirus, But You Can Now Watch Multiple Razzie Award Winner “Cats” At Home
Anybody old enough to have been traumatized by that cough scene from 1995’s Outbreak, knows that a movie theater is the last place you want to go during a global pandemic. And according to Deadline, movie theaters know this too. As of today, the AMC theater chain (America’s largest) has closed all of its 630 locations for “at least six to 12 weeks,” “in compliance with local, state and federal directives and as a precaution to help ensure the health and safety of moviegoers and staff.” Regal theaters will also be closed “until further notice.” But don’t panic! You can now watch the six-time 2020 Golden Raspberry Award-winning film Cats, right from the discomfort of your own home! No need for your nightmares to travel in your brain all the from the theater to your bed! You can close your eyes as you’re watching, and let the strains of Jennifer Hudson sniffle-wailing her way through Memory, lull you into a hellscape only slightly less disturbing than the one we’re living in now!
Just What We Needed! Megyn Kelly Has Additional Thoughts On Blackface
As if our current national discourse in #thesetryingtimes wasn’t breathtakingly stupid enough as it is, Megyn Kelly, America’s least qualified practitioner of critical race theory has come out of retirement to complain loudly about being fired for defending blackface. After Robert Downey Jr. said he didn’t regret doing blackface for Tropic Thunder during an interview on The Joe Rogan Experience, Megyn #tooktotwitter to bemoan the fact that Universal applauded RDJ for sparking a “necessary convo” but fired her for doing the same. Friends, this shit is so dumb, it’s difficult to even know where to start. Like, I almost want to start by reminding you that, per Megyn’s Twitter bio, her children are named Yates, Yardley, and Thatcher. It’s as relevant as anything Megyn had to say, if not more!
John Legend’s Updated “Baby It’s Cold Outside” Is Out
Well, it’s finally arrived. Today is the day they round up every last master, 33, 45, 78, cassette, CD, MP3, and video recording of the Dean Martin’s version of Baby It’s Cold Outside, douse them with lighter fluid, torch them, collect the ashes and put them in a rocket capsule before launching them into space. And someone should dig up Dean’s corpse to slap the martini out of his hand, just to be sure. John Legend and Kelly Clarkson’s updated version is available today, and it supersedes any and all of the hundreds of recordings of the original 1949 Frank Loesser song. I mean, it must have gone down that way, otherwise, why all the fuss?
Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Bell, And Mark Ruffalo All Chimed In On Ellen’s Friendship With George W. Bush
Unsurprisingly, Ellen Degeneres’ recent defense of her friendship with former President George W. Bush elicited a wide variety of responses. Since she framed their friendship as something that “Will Give You Faith in America Again” instead of the perhaps more honest “I’ll be friends with whoever the fuck I want”, Ellen made it easy for people to side with her. Because who doesn’t want to make the crushing anxiety, anger, and dread of #thesetryingtimes just go away! Even for a minute. But these days, much as MAGA is an illusion, so is FIAA (Faith in America Again). Some of Ellen’s Celebrity Defenders (coming this Fall to Fox!) like Reese Witherspoon and Kristen Bell, caught shit for falling for Ellen’s Pollyanna line. Mark Ruffalo, on the other hand, said “kindness” can take a back seat until we get to the bottom of this alleged war crimes situation. It sounded more bad ass before he hulked of his jeans and was left wearing teeny tiny shredded daisy dukes.