I’m sure Diablo Cody is somewhere laughing her ass off (see also: replacement sucker Erin Cressida Wilson) at the news that Universal Pictures has scrapped the planned Madonna-directed Madonna biopic she attempted to help Madonna write starring Madonna-approved Madonna Julia Garner. Good thing then that after spending months alone in a room with Madonna trying to convince her that the studio won’t accept vibes in lieu of a script, Diablo knows that asses will come and go. If Diablo can’t find her original ass, she can just go out and get a new one. So it wasn’t a complete waste of her time.
The next time you step into your local cinema and get that sticky floor feeling with every step, be aware that it might not be spilled Coca-Cola. There’s a new film out for the Halloween season, and it’s supposedly getting everyone sick all over the place. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies! The horror flick in question is Terrifier 2, and according to viewers (or the press team, depending on how much you believe this stuff), is so graphic that some people have passed out or thrown up on themselves. Ah, the smell of sawdust and last night’s chicken pot pie really adds to the date night ambiance.
Ooo, here’s one for all you scary movie lover. Psycho killer Buffalo Bill’s house from The Silence of the Lambs is on the market, just in time for Hallow’s Eve. The 1910 Victorian home in Perryopolis, Pennsylvania can be all yours for just $298,500. For three-floors and four-bedrooms! Hmmm, maybe there’s something to be said for escaping the city…
The house still has many of the same features it did in the film, including the original hardwood trim and floors. Listing agents Eileen Allan and Shannon Assad say that it would “make for an amazing Airbnb” opportunity. Hmmm, they speak the truth.
As if 2020 needed an excuse to be any fuckier. Despite earlier reports that the dead-eyed doll Annabelle, who was the inspiration for those “The Conjuring” horror movies about a possessed doll that terrorizes its owners, had sat the fuck up and walked out of the museum where she’s been chilling for years, I’m happy to report that the story turned out to be a big, fat lie. We can now thank our lucky stars that, in addition to COVID and the war on mailboxes, we don’t have to spend the rest of the year worrying about a creepy doll roaming the streets.
Two theater chains in Texas are the first to do the last thing I’d want to be doing during a global pandemic. I’ve seen Outbreak, thank you very much. According to Variety, EVO Entertainment and Santiko Entertainment have reopened several of their locations to the movie-going public after the governor of Texas gave the all-clear for theaters to reopen at 25% capacity as of last Friday. In addition to reduced capacity, a number of other “safety” measures have been implemented, including “airport security-style” procedures such as temperature checks, and presumably, making sure no guest brings in more than 3 oz of fluid in their lungs. Hardly seems worth the risk until you realize this may be your one and only chance to see Trolls World Tour on the big screen (even though it’s already available streaming). You know the saying, “give me liberty or give me and my entire family COVID-19.” Yes, Trolls is that good.
Movie Theaters Are Closing Because Of Coronavirus, But You Can Now Watch Multiple Razzie Award Winner “Cats” At Home
Anybody old enough to have been traumatized by that cough scene from 1995’s Outbreak, knows that a movie theater is the last place you want to go during a global pandemic. And according to Deadline, movie theaters know this too. As of today, the AMC theater chain (America’s largest) has closed all of its 630 locations for “at least six to 12 weeks,” “in compliance with local, state and federal directives and as a precaution to help ensure the health and safety of moviegoers and staff.” Regal theaters will also be closed “until further notice.” But don’t panic! You can now watch the six-time 2020 Golden Raspberry Award-winning film Cats, right from the discomfort of your own home! No need for your nightmares to travel in your brain all the from the theater to your bed! You can close your eyes as you’re watching, and let the strains of Jennifer Hudson sniffle-wailing her way through Memory, lull you into a hellscape only slightly less disturbing than the one we’re living in now!