Jack Dorsey, the founder of Twitter and Square Cash, paid himself a salary of $1.40 last year. Those who don’t know Jack’s net worth might think that’s the reason why he barely eats, because all he can afford to eat is survival soup (made from snatched Taco Bell hot sauce packets and tap water taken from a public bathroom faucet). But Jack paid himself $1.40 since he doesn’t need the money and the $1.40 is in honor of Twitter’s old 140 characters. Jack only eats one meal per weekday because it makes his tech genius mind run better. So not only does he do himself up to look like a starving beach hobo, he eats like one too. I’m pretty sure that when you first look at your financials and notice you’re officially a billionaire, a setting in your brain clicks to: Time To Be As Weird As Fucking Possible.
Let me (quickly) introduce myself. I am Deirdre from Boston, and yes Ben Affleck and I are responsible for bringing Dunkin’ Donuts to the West Coast! I am an avid pop culture junkie and am beyond humbled to be writing for Dlisted. I hope to be a worthy garbage and bone collector who can sometimes put my thoughts into grammatically correct sentences. I’m not making too many promises though as English is my first and only language and I only went to college for 5 years and a summer. Ok. Two summers. But I did graduate with(out) honors and now I am writing for Dlisted, so to quote Scheana from Vanderpump Rules‘ tattoo, one of the greatest pieces of poetry and art to come out of our generation, “It’s all happening!”
Now onto important breaking news like Drake’s ability to put together an outfit for the bargain price of just under a million dollars.
March, 12, 2019: The day that the definition of random was redefined with a story about a college admissions ESCANDALO involving Lynette Scavo (real name: Felicity Huffman) and Aunt Becky (real name: Lori Loughlin). This Desperate Housewives/Full House crossover where Lynette Scavo and Aunt Becky share a jail cell after getting taken away from their homes in handcuffs for allegedly paying bribes to get their children into college IS the weirdest reboot ever.
NBC News says that Felicity and Lori are among 40 who were indicted in a college entrance exam cheating scheme. They were both charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services fraud. Cut to Aunt Becky’s TV husband Uncle Jesse letting out a “HAVE MERCY!” over having to bail her alleged cheating ass out.
When us regular bitches want to get revenge on an ex, we have to do time-consuming shit like wait until they’ve watched the second to the last episode of House of Cards before canceling the Netflix account of ours they still use. Or replace their fapping lotion of choice with extra-strengh Nair. But when a moneybags bitch wants to get revenge on an ex, he just has to command one of his assistants to get a humongous picture of him and new piece plastered onto the almost-home of his ex . That’s exactly what billionaire developer Harry Macklowe did. Harry splattered a picture of him with his fiancee on a Park Avenue building that his ex was trying to live in. Sure, that’s level 8 petty, but Harry could’ve gone to level 10 petty by splattering a picture of him and his fiancee onto a building across from where his ex lives. Although, that would’ve done wonders for his ex’s bowels since she would’ve been inspired to drop a turd every time she stared at his giant face.
I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!
While North West has to suffer through her tragic excuse of a wannabe stylist daddy, Kanye West, dressing her in overpriced mass-produced rags from her mom’s stupid children’s clothing line, Blue Ivy Carter is sipping sparkling mangosteen juice from a Baccarat crystal juice box as a REAL stylist shows her sketches of opulent gowns done exclusively for her by high fashion designers. If Blue Ivy is ever feeling charitable, she can send the other children of millionaire celebrities the location of the Salvation Army she donates her couture gowns to after wearing them once.