Category: Tales From The One Percent

Gwyneth Paltrow Is A Whole Dollar Richer After A Jury Declares She’s Not Liable In Utah Ski Crash Case

March 30, 2023 / Posted by:

The people of Park City, Utah, better triple mask up unless they want to choke on the massive amounts of snooty smug wafting off Gwyneth Paltrow today. Because Goopy was victorious in her hit-and-run ski accident case. 50-year-old Gwyneth may not have destroyed 76-year-old retired optometrist Dr. Terry Sanderson on the slopes, but she destroyed him in court. The jury ruled that Terry was 100% at fault for the crash. Terry was originally suing Gwyneth for $3.1 million in damages, but that case was dismissed. So he re-filed, asking for $300,000 in damages instead. Gwyneth countersued for $1 in damages plus attorney fees, and that’s what the jury awarded her in court. Goopy’s traveling team of butlers better pull out her best bottle of sparkling bone broth because she’s partying tonight! I bet she’ll even have two glasses. Go wild, Goopy!

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Kylie Jenner And Travis Scott Still Don’t Care About Being Called Climate Criminals

December 6, 2022 / Posted by:

Climate criminals Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott still don’t give a hoot if you think they’re climate criminals. Back in July, these two got shit when Kylie posted a pic of her and Travis kissing in front of two private jets. The caption read, “you wanna take mine or yours?” People accused Kylie of bragging about something that destroys the planet. Then fans dug into her private flight history, and discovered that Kylie regularly took flights that lasted less than 15 minutes. Neither Kylie or Travis commented on the controversy, and now, five months later, they’re back to their old tricks. Buzzfeed reports that, on December 2, 25-year-old Kylie took her private jet from Miami to Van Nuys, California. Shortly after, 31-year-old Travis made the exact same trip on his jet. Each 5-hour trip used over 15,000 pounds of jet fuel and emitted 25 tons of carbon dioxide. But, hey, at least the couple didn’t have to make awkward small talk during the flight. “So, um… Travis, was it? Do you have any hobbies? Other than being a giant piece of shit?” Continue reading

Taylor Swift Tops The List Of Carbon Emitting Celebrities Thanks To Her Rampant Use Of Private Jets

July 30, 2022 / Posted by:

As you may have noticed, the world is slowly roasting. And though it’s great for a chic summer tan, it’s less great for the survival of our species. Despite what you may think, an existential crisis of this magnitude doesn’t mean all that much to some members of society, namely the private jet class. You can’t show off your celebrity status by riding around on an e-bike! Kylie Jenner recently got into some globally warmed hot water for taking a quick 17-minute jet trip instead of driving 45 minutes in light traffic like the rest of us commoners. The youngest of Kris Jenner’s Koven was taken to task for her less than eco-friendly transport habits. So with all this focus on private jets, a digital marketing agency decided to do some research to find out who was the WORST “climate criminal.” And that person is: Taylor Swift! Yep, Doctor Tay Tay is as bad as one of the villains in a Captain Planet episode!

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Tom Cruise Will Reportedly Make At Least $100 Million From “Top Gun: Maverick”

July 21, 2022 / Posted by:

Despite the massive boycott (okay, by “massive” I mean just me) against Top Gun: Maverick for not including Kelly McGillis yet giving us the poster douche for “I Need An Adult!” (read: Miles Teller with a mustache), it has become a massive hit. Personally, I’m saving my coins for the porn parody Power Top Gun: Mavdick and its follow-up Bossy Bottom Gun, but many did not, and it’s made over $1 billion worldwide since its release in May. It’s also Tom Cruise’s biggest money-making movie, and because of this and his deal, Little Alien Lord Tommy has become even richer. But still, I’m with the talking Michael Myers’ Party City mask that is Mickey Rourke. That mega-rich trick who has the biggest movie of the year is “irrelevant!”

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Twitter Is Calling Kylie Jenner A “Climate Criminal” After Using Her Private Plane For A 17-Minute Flight

July 19, 2022 / Posted by:

When you have the kind of “Fuck You” money most members of the Kardashian Koven have, you can best believe there’s little room for class or taste. And if you need proof please check out Lips-Like-Jagger baby of the bunch Kylie Jenner, who is no stranger to being questioned about her out-of-touch behavior. Recently Kylie decided to take a little trip from Camarillo, CA to Van Nuys, CA, but she didn’t take one of her many cars (the car ride is 45 minutes) and took her private jet instead, which knocked the travel time down to 17 minutes. Well, since most of us are playing Sophie’s Choice between our groceries or our rent, this caused quite an uproar. And now Kylie is being roasted like the turkey she is all over social media.

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Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck Might Have Bought A Gigantic Estate

June 3, 2022 / Posted by:

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck continue their crusade to make sure that we all know their relationship isn’t just a repeat disaster-collab like that of their first engagement or Gigli; it’s a true love (for now) blockbuster. Jen has recently said she’s ready for her next (4th) wedding, and they’ve been looking for a quaint, little marital home. If we weren’t currently celebrating Pride Month, we all could easily get disoriented thinking that it’s Groundhog’s Day, because they’ve been allegedly trying and failing at this house hunt for months now. But now there’s speculation that they’ve finally found “the one.”

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