This is the kind of dramatic bitch exit that used to exist only in the deepest part of Arnetta the Moodsetta’s dreams, but now it exists in real life thanks to Steven Slater. Steven has taken “I Quit This Bitch” to brand new theatrical levels! Seriously, Steven Slater is the real bitch Bette Midler was singing to in that song. Bette just didn’t know it yet until now.
Picture this. The red velvet curtain goes up and there’s Steven Slater, a seasoned Jet Blue flight attending, sitting in his seat on a plane which just landed at JFK. The crew has told passengers to not even think about poking their toes into the aisle to collect their bags until the seat belt light has been turned off. But of course, some tricky bitch who shits on rules slithers out of his seat to get his bag from the overhead compartment. This is Steven’s cue to leap out of his chair to tell the dude to sit the hell down. The dude disobeys Steven’s authority and curses him out. The plane goes silent because they feel it in the air that Steven is about to give the performance of every diva’s lifetime! All spotlights stay on Steven….
The NYDN reports that Steven got onto the intercom and screamed, “To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you! I’ve been in the business 28 years. I’ve had it. That’s it.” Then Steven grabbed two beers, pushed the emergency exit and slid down to the tarmac to pick up his bag and take the AirTrain to his car. And we all stand up to applaud and throw roses at Steven’s feet! That whole scene is what a hair flip looks like in heaven!
But I have a feeling that the NYDN got their facts a little twisted. This is how it really went down. Steven grabbed two bottles of pink champagne, pushed the emergency exit, tossed his head in the air and then slid down the inflatable slide (grabbing his Louis Vuitton bag off the cart along the way) before somersaulting in the air and landing in his bright yellow Mazda Miata. Then Steven slipped on his Dior shades, blasted “Bye Bye Baby” and flipped off all the passengers who were still watching from the plane. Curtain goes down.
Steven was later arrested at his home in Queens. Steven will be charged with 2nd-and 4th-degree criminal mischief, 1st- and 2nd-degree reckless endangerment and criminal trespass in the 3rd degree. Steven faces up to 7 years in prison.
The only thing Steven should be charged with is dramatic theatrics in the first degree! Steven should be sentenced to 7 years on a daytime soap opera where his diva exits will be embraced and rewarded!
But seriously, fuck them! It’s Monday! We’re all allowed to grab two beers and slide towards the exit on a Monday.
(Steven’s picture via MySpace) (Thanks to all who sent this in)