Back in 1989, King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla were having a horny little phone chat, when Charles said it would be “so much easier” if he could live inside Camilla’s trousers. Camilla joked that maybe Charles would get reincarnated as a pair of “knickers,” and Charles replied, “Or, God forbid, a Tampax! Just my luck!” Four years later, this conversation was leaked to the press, and it caused quite the scandal. But guess who loves royal scandals? Netflix’s The Crown! In a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, Dominic West, who plays Charles in the fifth and sixth seasons, confirmed that the show will recreate the King and Queen Consort’s infamous phone call. Princess Diana’s death, and now Tampongate? The makers of The Crown aren’t afraid to get blood on their hands (I’m so sorry).
The season five premiere of Netflix’s The Crown is lurking just around the corner (November 9) ready to pop out and scream “OOGITY BOOGITY” at Britain’s new King Charles III which is just wrong given his age and general condition. He can barely tolerate holding a leaky fountain pen without screaming like a little bitch, so imagine what it’s going to be like for him to turn on the telly and see Dominic West’s weathered mug reminding the world that despite the fancy gold hat, he’s just a dude who got caught cheating on his wife. According to Salon, The Firm is nervous that The Crown will be focused on the interviews Charles and Princess Diana gave during that time, instead of on THE QUEEN who most likely spent the greater part of the 1980s and 90s tinkering with THE QUEEN-BOT she sent out to smile and wave while she hid out in the stables waiting for it all blow over.
THE QUEEN’S Corgis, Sandy And Muick, Were Brought Out To Watch Her Funeral Procession Arrive At Windsor Castle
Now that THE QUEEN’S farewell tour is over, body language experts and lip readers are probably soaking their overworked eyeballs in a Calgon bath right now after over a week of analyzing every teeny tiny move made by the Royal Family for any sign of drama. But before THE QUEEN arrived at her final resting place, King George VI memorial chapel, several of her beloved pets, including her last corgis, were brought out to say goodbye to her for one final time. And I don’t need to be a corgi body language expert to tell you that THE QUEEN’s last corgis, Sandy and Muick, were watching their human’s funeral procession while hoping that she’d jump out of her coffin, say, “PYSCH, I just wanted to fuck with Chuck,” before scooping them up and taking them far, far away from you know who.
THE QUEEN hasn’t even been laid to rest yet, but despite only having been king for less than a week, the Monarch Formerly Known as Prince Charles has already heralded in The British Royal Family’s flop age. Today, as THE QUEEN’s THE COFFIN made its procession through the streets of London to Westminster Hall followed by her children King Charles III, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne and Prince Edward, and her grandsons Prince William and Prince Harry, who managed to walk side-by-side without throwing elbows, The Guardian reports that “up to 100 employees at the King’s former official residence” were given “notice of their redundancy,” as King Chuckie Trips and Queen Consort Camila will be moving to Buckingham Palace. Which could prove disastrous from an optics standpoint given that Charles continues to have problems with unfamiliar office supplies and was nearly done in by a fancy fountain pen for a second time in this, the first week of the Carolean Age.
In case you spent your day yesterday under a rock without any Wi-Fi or worms in sight (because even worms know this news), THE QUEEN died at 96 after a 70-year reign. That meant that the royal formerly known as Prince Charles became the second-most famous King Charles (after the King Charles Cavalier). And today, King Charles gave his first speech to the country, and sadly during his pre-recorded address, he didn’t announce that he’s giving up the throne and passing it to England’s Finest Rose Jodie Marsh! No, but Charles did mourn his mother and said that Prince William and Duchess Kate will now be the Prince and Princess of Wales.