Category: Ouch

Open Post: Hosted By The Chill Attitude Of A Florida Man Who Had His Arm Ripped Off By An Alligator

May 24, 2023 / Posted by:

With all of the bad shit happening in Florida–pretty much all due to asshole supreme, Governor Ron DeSantis–lurking alligators seem like one of the state’s least horrifying attributes these days, which could be why one Florida man who fell into a pond and had his arm bitten off by one doesn’t seem to be that bothered by it.

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Open Post: Hosted By Al Roker’s Reaction To Jameela Jamil’s Tale Of A Tragic Booty Call On “Today”

March 23, 2023 / Posted by:

Jameela Jamil put making out with her own dumper and heroically speaking out against Lea Michele conspiracy theories on the back burner to launch another podcast, straightforwardly called Bad Dates With Jameela Jamil. While recently promoting it on Today, she was asked to recount her worst date, which happened to be a booty call gone wrong. She told a horrifying tale of boner pills and broken teeth, leaving the show’s hosts speechless and Al Roker visibly disappointed and disgusted–which is kind of hypocritical since we all know his booty once called at an inconvenient moment, resulting in a Keto Diet feces riot while he was visiting the White House.

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Open Post: Hosted By Snoop Dogg’s Personal Blunt Roller Revealing The Amount She Rolls For Him Each Day

October 28, 2022 / Posted by:

Everyone already knows that Snoop Dogg (shown here demonstrating the size of the next blunt he’d like rolled for him) has crafted his entire persona around smoking that sticky icky icky ooh wee, so it came as no surprise to learn that he employs his own full-time personal blunt roller. People were then delighted to hear that he took the current flailing economy into account and gave his roller, named Ranagade PerRana (which seems like the quintessential professional blunt roller name) a raise on the $40,000-$50,000 she initially made. But, Ranagade just shared the number of blunts she rolls for Snoop each day, and after hearing what it is, I’m thinking that her new salary actually isn’t enough to make up for the fatigue her poor little fingers must withstand each shift at Chez Snoop.

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Rose McGowan Broke Her Arm Reading The Election Results

November 6, 2020 / Posted by:

Rose McGowan broke her arm while reading election results in Mexico. Relatable. I broke my brain/mind/sanity continuously clicking the refresh button on the CNN site. Because Biden Nears 270, Biden Nears 270, Biden Nears 270, Biden Nears– AUGH! My apologies, had a little lapse there. But back to the story! Rose says she was focused on her phone while walking down the stairs, and took a scary tumble. Or that’s what her nemesis Alyssa Milano told her to say after crossing the border to shove Rose down the stairs telenovela-style.

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Buddy Valastro Of “Cake Boss” Got His Hand Impaled In A Bowling Alley Accident In His Home

September 24, 2020 / Posted by:

In What-In-The-Final Destination?!-news,  Buddy Valastro, of Cake Boss got into a pretty serious accident at his home when a pin got stuck in his bowling alley and the machine stabbed him as he tried to get it out. Yes, Buddy Valastro has an in-home bowling alley. Yes, he chose to unjam the machine himself. As a child of the 90s who watched the Final Destination movies, reaching into a machine that can take off your hand is like the kiss of death to me.

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Britney Spears Broke Her Foot

February 19, 2020 / Posted by:

Britney Spears has caught a break, and this time it was in her foot. According to The Blast, Brit was in the emergency room over the weekend with boyfriend Sam Asghari. We know this, because he posted an Instagram Story saying that Brit Brit broke her metatarsal bone (which is a “group of five long bones in the foot, located between the tarsal bones of the hind- and mid-foot and the phalanges of the toe” for those of you who needed a definition like myself) while dancing, he says.

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