Category: Election
GO BACK TO NEW JERSEY! Dr. Oz Defeated By John Fetterman In Pennsylvania Senate Race
Dr. Mehmet Oz gave up his talk show and moved from New Jersey to Pennsylvania all so that he could run for the Republican Senate seat as a Trump-supporting Republican. During his talk show days, Dr. Oz was obsessed with analyzing shit, but he was blind to the massive shit show that was his campaign, which featured him giving a speech near Hitler’s car and facing accusations that his past scientific experiments took the lives of hundreds of dogs. Thankfully, Oz’s whole campaign has been tossed into the toilet where it belongs because he lost. NBC News says that once all the votes are counted, Oz’s opponent, Democrat John Fetterman is projected to win the Senate seat in Pennsylvania. Well, you know what, this may (PLEASE GOD!) be the end of Dr. Oz’s political aspirations, but at least he can look forward to Snooki welcoming him back to his home with a good, old-fashioned New Jersey-style welcome!
Oprah Endorsed Dr. Oz’s Opponent For A Pennsylvania Senate Seat, John Fetterman, And Many Other Democrats In Close State Races
Oprah Winfrey decided it was high time to make an attempt at counterbalancing the scourge she unleashed on society by bestowing a talk show upon Dr. Mehmet Oz, who finally just took his poop diagrams and garcinia cambogia and fucked off of our screens in January after a long 13 seasons of quackery on The Dr. Oz Show. Unfortunately, that allowed him to pivot to politics, as he’s now running as a Donald Trump-backed Republican for a Pennsylvania senate seat–though whether or not he actually lives in Pennsylvania is questionable (just ask Snooki). With election day coming up in just a few days, Oprah endorsed expert Oz-troller and current Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor, John Fetterman, in PA’s neck-and-neck race for a senate seat over Oz, a former surgeon who’s relentlessly criticized John’s ability to handle the duties of office after recently suffering a stroke. She also voiced her support for several other Democrats running in tight races in key states hoping to maintain their slender Senate majority.
Alton Brown Apologized For His Tweets About The Holocaust
Earlier this week, Food Network host Alton Brown came out as a Republican and tweeted some dumb, anti-Semitic Holocaust “jokes.” Huh. Makes his wackadoo Twitter rant about Election day stress-eating a lot less fun. Because he was stressed over Trump not winning. And it looks like whoever signs Alton’s paychecks ordered him to apologize. So he did.
Steve Kornacki’s Khakis Gave The Gap A 90% Boost In Sales
Steve Kornacki somehow became a sex symbol when the American election took way too many days to call and people started slipping into delusional states while watching hours of coverage of numbers being shouted at them. And it went far beyond Steve just making people’s nether parts tingle. Today reports that The Gap has seen a surge in khaki sales and they think it’s because Steve was getting us hot and bothered while in sensible business-casual khakis.
Eva Longoria Apologized For Saying Latina Women Were “The Real Heroines” Of The Election
Now that the election is finally over and Donald Trump has been defeated, it’s time for us to turn our energy towards an ever greater threat to the fabric of this nation— Eva Longoria. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the former Desperate Housewives star, and apparently, political commentator, has drawn ire after claiming that yes, Black women played an important role in this election, BUT… “Latina women were the real heroines here.” I’m sure this isn’t the first time, or the last, that a big juicy but has gotten Eva in trouble.
Joe Biden And Kamala Harris Have Won!
FUCKING FINALLY! “You’re fired!” – America to trump.
You’re probably reading this from inside of a Russian research vessel with a $200 million necklace in your pocket because we’re all Old Rose from Titanic since we’ve been waiting 84 years for this election to fucking end. It’s been decades since Election Day, and yes 2000-me is looking at 2020-me like, “Calm down, we had to wait until DECEMBER, also you should’ve used more moisturizer, trick!” But the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election has finally been called. Joe Biden is now the President-elect and with Kamala Harris, we will soon have our first woman and person of color Vice President!!! Well, the good news for Trump is that he no longer has to pretend like he doesn’t know how to pronounce Kamala’s name because he can keep it simple and call her Madame Vice President. And that thud you heard wasn’t only from all of the White House silverware falling out of Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric’s coats as they try to smuggle stuff out. It’s also from Election Night Masters, CNN’s John King and MSBNC’s Steve Kornacki, passing out into 4-year comas, which they’ll wake up from on Election Night 2024.