If you had to go to work today, on President’s Day, then go up to your boss, and tell them that you just read the headline: Prosecutors Claim That Prince Andrew Openly Groped Girls On Jeffrey Epstein’s Pedophile Island. If they care about you at all, they will give you the rest of the day off and also give you a few $20 bills from petty cash for you to use to pick up a bottle of something mind-numbing as well as battery acid to pour into your ear holes hoping it will erase the memory of this mess.
Denise George, the attorney general of the U.S. Virgin Islands, says that an employee of dead sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s private island Little St. James witnessed Prince Andrew getting on girls out in the open… as if he was a pedophile on Pedophile Island. And I hope that employee’s eyeballs are resting well on a beach far, far away from Pedophile Island since I’m sure they pulled themselves out of their owner’s sockets after witnessing the kind of demonic shit that went down on Pedophile Island.
Last month, T.I. started a fight with Iggy Azalea when he said that working with her is a tarnish on his legacy. Iggy fired back by saying that she had tons of tea to spill on T.I., and that he was a “huge misogynist” who has never had a conversation with a woman in which he didn’t sound like a fortune cookie. It’s almost like the universe dropped a fortune in Iggy’s lap that read: “Be patient, and your enemy might spill their own misogyny-flavored tea.”
So we knew that Ronan Farrow was coming out with a book, called Catch and Kill, and was planning to cover even more allegations about Matt Lauer that’d make you go down to the ER and say to the nurse, “Um, yeah, there’s a very good reason for why I look like I just walked out of BODIES: The Exhibition and that’s because all my skin straight-up and literally crawled off and ran far, far away. So yeah, I’m going to need new skin whenever you get a minute.” Well, say goodbye to your skin, because an interview from the book has been released and it includes allegations of Matt Lauer anal raping a woman who worked for NBC News. Welp, cut to a bunch of slabs of skin hitchhiking on the side of the road while holding a bindle. They’re out of here.
Once the CIA finishes their investigation into the shady Russia stuff, can they please open up an investigation into the cyber attack I suffered through when someone sent me this hurtful video. This video caused pain to my eyeballs, my nostrils (because I inhaled a large cloud of bullshit fumes) and my throat (from heaving).
Rob & Chyna was renewed by E! for a second season, because Chyna hasn’t really fulfilled her oath to Pimp Mama Kris until she’s delivered a sex tape, a wedding, another spawn or two, a divorce and some kind of medical drama that can be milked for at least 10 episodes. Rob and Chyna celebrated the renewal of their shit show by Snapchatting themselves sucking each other’s faces as it rained money on them. It’s like an ultra romantic version of the kissing in the rain scene from The Notebook…
For the past three years, the gazillionaires at Google have hosted an exclusive invite-only conference for tech VIPs and celebrities in Sicily, Italy called The Camp. The Camp is an expensive, mysterious trip to Italy to…well, I have no idea what they do there. There’s a website, but you have to have a secret password to access it. What I do know is that they hire famous people to perform for their guests. This year, one of the performers was smooth-voiced magician and sometime Pussy Posse member David Blaine. And he brought a silent big-eyed assistant with him. No, not Lukas Haas; he brought a frog. A frog that he sent up and down his esophagus like it was an elevator.
It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.