Jameela Jamil put making out with her own dumper and heroically speaking out against Lea Michele conspiracy theories on the back burner to launch another podcast, straightforwardly called Bad Dates With Jameela Jamil. While recently promoting it on Today, she was asked to recount her worst date, which happened to be a booty call gone wrong. She told a horrifying tale of boner pills and broken teeth, leaving the show’s hosts speechless and Al Roker visibly disappointed and disgusted–which is kind of hypocritical since we all know his booty once called at an inconvenient moment, resulting in a Keto Diet feces riot while he was visiting the White House.
Q: HASN’T TEXAS SUFFERED ENOUGH?!!?!
A: I guess fucking not!
Matthew McConaughey (seen above in David Koresh cosplay) has laid down a threat to Texas by saying that the thought of running for the governor of his home state is brewing in his brain. So yeah, it looks like Matthew is still smoking the weed strain that causes him to have strange hallucinations, like the image of him as governor opening a State of the State Undress Address with a naked bongo performance.
Jillian Michaels is at it again. No, I don’t mean fat-shaming Lizzo or some other random person who is just minding their own business and pissing Jillian off by loving their own body. But she is fighting with one Andy Cohen, King of Bravo First Of His Name, and Al Roker, Stormbringer. This is technically round two after they went toe-to-toe over the only thing rational people fight about: The Keto Diet. And Jillian also must want RHOBH‘s Teddi Mellencamp to be out of another job because she dragged her “accountability program” too.
Today brings us some sad and scary news about American treasure Al Roker. The always game Today show host has a difficult challenge ahead of him. According to People, Al was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and will be undergoing surgery next week to have the offending organ removed. Al announced his diagnosis during this morning’s Today broadcast. The good news is it was detected early. So hopefully Al will be back on his feet in time to get into a pretend fight with a sentient sweet potato as he gives his commentary on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
While many are lubing up their brains and souls with morningtime vodka to prepare themselves for dealing with their family all day today, Al Roker was fighting with butter during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. This is a surprising feud because Al Roker is all about that Keto shit, and when you’re on Keto, you practically bleed butter, so you’d think he’d deepthroat that butterman and swallow down every last buttery bit.
Al Roker and Butter’s battle started when Butter got in Al Roker’s shot, and Al Roker shoved him while saying, “Get outta here, ya butter!” Al Roker makes millions of dollars a year, and honestly, he earned it by FINALLY delivering some real news on NBC. Watching Al Roker shove Butter also probably made Paula Deen cry hot buttery tears of sadness over the mistreatment of her God, so that made this moment even better.
And later on, as Al Roker zipped on by in a little cart, Butter ran up next to him, taunting his ass. The only thing missing from this stupid mess was Tommy, Norway’s Official Butter Ambassador, chasing after Butter.
Well, I guess this means that Butter has replaced Al Roker’s own asshole as his biggest nemesis. On that note, Happy Thanksgiving, all!
The Today studio is haunted by the spectre of Matt Lauer dressed as Lucy from The Peanuts, and it shows. Of course, it wasn’t just Matt that brought a pox upon the Today studio that day, though he ultimately posed the greatest existential threat. October 31, 2015 was the day the earth’s core fissured, allowing Satan’s demonic load to germinate upon the soil, his evil issue taking the form of humanoid creatures capable of evil the likes of which have never been seen, in hell or on earth. The Today group costume has been whack ever since. This year’s is the worst one yet with a confusing and vague “Everybody Dance” theme. Where is the specificity? Where is the cohesion? Where is the gyrating blood lust invocation summoning the infernal damned to take their rightful place on the throne of man? Are we expected to quiver in the face of Al Roker with a Carlton Banks sweater over his shoulders and ill-fitting golf pants? Not today, Satan!