As we saw yesterday, the Today show team dressed in an 80s theme with Al Roker donning a Dollar Store fright wig to portray Doc Brown (of the irony) from Back To The Future. Because we’re living in the upside down where grown men and women pretend to be dumber than a box of rocks (or in some cases just are), some folks cried that Al’s costume was racist. Le sigh. Yes, we are really still doing this. In response to the online criticism, Al #tooktotwitter to defend his right to play a character who was played by a white man in a movie about a time traveling car that runs on garbage.
For many Halloweens, the hateful demons at Today have give us many soul-melting night terrors by doing their hosts up like dark-sided creatures that crawled out of the sticky asshole of Hell. Like the time they dressed the entire Today show crew as Peanuts possessed by Satan, and the time they committed a horrible case of blasphemy by dropping a Matt Lauer shit all over the pristine image of earth angel Dolly Parton. They played it mostly safe this Halloween. I say “mostly safe,” because I hate them for causing my nipple tips to tingle and my b-hole ring to quiver while looking at Jenna Bush Hager in man drag as Goose from Top Gun. I should call 911 and report Today for actually making me get moist in the tip over drag king Jenna Bush Hager.
Today went with an 80s theme this year. Well, most of them did anyway. Hoda Kotb got lost in the early-70s while making her way to the 80s.
It would seem that NBC is wasting no time in dusting off the blonde hairs from Megyn Kelly’s chair at the Today show and filling it with her replacement. And it looks like NBC might be going with the person she unceremoniously replaced last year, Al Roker.
My thoughts and prayers are with whoever does Al Roker’s laundry. Because they’re going to have a bitch of a time trying to scrub out the wet butt cough he sharted into his chonies after being hit with the double platinum glamour of Sharon Stone and Mariah Carey!
Earlier today, Page Six said that the former sweetheart of Fox News, Megyn Kelly, is crashing into Today, and either the show’s third or fourth hour will be canceled to make room for her. The third hour is hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker, and the fourth hour is hosted by America’s morning-drinking aunties Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. That rumor was just another turd on the pile of shit news that hit me today.
First, I learned that the emporium of stunning teen fashions Wet Seal has been put down and has closed all of its stores. Second, I learned that The CW has ordered a pilot of the shit reboot of Dynasty. And then I learned that my daily dose of vitamin M (for MESS) may be taken away from me. WHYYYYY!!??!
Every year, the wrecks of Today do one big group costume and they usually go all out. Last year, they brought the night terrors by dressing up as The Peanuts and the scars I got on my brain from being exposed to that terrifying shit still haven’t healed. Well, the producers must have used most of the show’s budget to pay preppy butt plug Billy Bush to go away, because this year’s costumes looked like they came from a community theater costume shop sale and a Salvation Army donation bin. You know they told Kathie Lee Gifford that a bottle of chardonnay was hiding at the bottom of that bin and she hopped in to get it.
The 90s have been barfing all over 2016 for a while now (see: every trick wearing a choker, Vanilla Ice being somewhat relevant again, the return of Kimmy Gibbler, etc…), but on Today this morning, the 90s came back in a messy way.