Satan is probably not shivering his frozen ass cheeks off in Hell today. And Harvey Weinstein has not been seen flying over Arizona (no offense to actual pigs, they deserve better than that). So Karl Lagerfeld answered a question about #MeToo in exactly the way you’d expect Karl Lagerfeld to answer a question about #MeToo. Kunty Karl couldn’t hate the #MeToo movement more if it was a Pippa Middleton-faced fat Meryl Streep fan.
Karl, who now looks like the most pretentious Santa ever, was interviewed for Numero magazine by his friend Philip Utz, and he opened up the endless fountain of pure bitchiness he calls a brain to say that he’d rather kill himself then get stuck on a deserted island with designers Simon Porte Jacquemus, Jonathan Anderson, and Virgil Abloh. Karl also said that the late designer Azzedine Alaïa made nothing but “ballet slippers for menopausal fashion victims” at the end of his career. So in other words, Karl continued to be the rainbow ray of happiness we all know him to be.
When Philip brought up that it was International Women’s Day, Karl declared that every day is Women’s Day to him, and then he took a dusty Death Eater shit all over men’s fashion and stupid male models with their stupid sexual harassment allegations.
For me Women’s Day is every day of the year. Men’s fashion does little for me. I buy it of course, and I’m delighted that Hedi [Slimane] is going to Céline but drawing a men’s collection and having to put up with all those stupid models, no thanks. Not to mention the fact with all their accusations of harassment they have become quite toxic. No, no, no, don’t leave me alone with one of those sordid creatures.
Philip then brought up #MeToo, and well, you know what’s coming:
What do you think about #MeToo?
I’m fed up with it. I don’t even eat pig [in France the movement’s known as #BalanceTonPorc] What shocks me most in all of this are the starlets who have taken 20 years to remember what happened. Not to mention the fact there are no prosecution witnesses. That said I cannot stand Mr Weinstein. I had a problem with him at amfAR [the amfAR Gala is organised during the Cannes Film Festival in the fight against AIDS] …
Did he try and drag you into his hotel room too?
No, it wasn’t of a sexual nature, but a professional one. I’ll spare you the details, but he isn’t exactly what you might call a man of his word.
What I really want to know is, what kind of business did Harvey want from Karl? Did it have something to do with Marchesa? Or did Harvey know that Karl is tight with Satan and wanted Karl to put in a good word for him so that he could sell his non-existent soul to Satan in exchange for the abuse allegations going away? Whatever the case may be, you’re a special kind of evil if even Karl hates you.
Karl didn’t stop there about #MeToo, and said that some of the models who complained about abuse should join a nunnery.
Absolutely not. I read somewhere that now you must ask a model if she is comfortable with posing. Its simply too much, from now on, as a designer, you can’t do anything. As for the accusations against the poor Karl Templar [creative director at Interview magazine], I don’t believe a single word of it. A girl complained he tried to pull her pants down and he is instantly excommunicated from a profession that up until then had venerated him. It’s unbelievable. If you don’t want your pants pulled about, don’t become a model! Join a nunnery, there’ll always be a place for you in the convent. They’re recruiting even!
You know, if Kunty Karl had said, “I, Kunty Karl, stand by the #MeToo movement,” his maker Satan would shoot out from hell and use a giant pitchfork to split the planet in two, and then the Four Horsemen would trample all over us as a swarm of locusts bit at our faces. So we should all thank Kunty Karl for being Kunty Karl.