For Vogue’s December issue, Harry Styles became the first dude to do the cover by himself, and in the photo shoot, he wears a couple of dresses and skirts, and those who consider King Louis VIX, Billy Porter, David Bowie, and Richard Simmons style icons were into it. But well, there were those who were really, really bothered like conservative commentator and Kanye West’s political sweetheart Candace Owens who let us all know that she probably rubs it to Gaston’s parts in Beauty and the Beast since Gaston is her opinion of the ideal man. Harry Styles in a dress made Candace Owens declare that we need to bring back “manly men.” Surprisingly, Harry Styles didn’t respond to what Candace Owens said by immediately replacing his dresses, ruffles, and skirts with a chest merkin, Pussy Juice cologne, a “Yeah, It Makes You Look Fat, Now Go Make Me A Sandwich, Woman” t-shirt, and Nascar-brand cargo pants. Instead, Harry responded with a banana and coffee filter sleeves!
Somewhere in The Voice’s studios, Carson Daly and Nick Jonas are each wrapped in a comforting Snuggie and throwing flaming stank eyes at their show’s PR team for somehow managing to get People Magazine to name fucking Blake Shelton and Adam Levine its Sexiest Man Alive but yet they remain unsexy chopped liver! Because People has named its Sexiest Man Alive! for 2020 and it isn’t a dude who gets a check for spinning in that red chair. And yes, Michael B. Jordan is a man, is sexy, and is Alive!, but if People gave Gritty that title, we’d all shrug and go, “I’m no furry, but still better than Blake Shelton.”
Just in case you were wondering; Yes. Chris Hemsworth can still get it. Today. Tomorrow. Whenever. Thor can lay the hammer down anytime he likes. And I’m pretty sure he knows it too, which is why he’s damn shirtless on the ‘Gram.
Fighting the hot or not, I’d still get into some Smithers cosplay to climb that half-bald glass of Swedish leche while calling him “Daddy Burns.”
Apologies to those of you lovers of lady-on-lady action who are now dealing with a case of disappointed genitals because you only read a piece of that headline and thought this was going to be a post about Charlize Theron scissoring with Halle Berry.
It’s been about two years since Charlize Theron finally pulled herself out of the dickmatized haze she was in and broke up with barbecued Snausage of rage Sean Penn. OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Charlize’s cooze has moved on to Gabriel Aubry, the hot blond model piece who was in a chunky shit storm of a fight over custody and child support with Halle Berry. That fight hit peak WRECK when Halle’s new man Olivier Martinez punched the pretty out of Gabriel on Thanksgiving. And now he may be wet humping on Charlize.
Today, The Sun delivered an amazing story about how Tom Hardy single-handedly busted my favorite kind of arrest, a CITIZEN’S ARREST, on a thief in the London suburb of Richmond. Tom also loudly called the thief a “cock.” If you’re saying, “But Michael, you stupid, this is from The Sun, so it’s probably not true,” then I need to tell you to shut your fun-hating lips and stop ruining it for those of us who want to believe that a story about Tom Hardy catching a cock is true! Besides, the cops say it happened.