Category: Dumbasses

Elon Musk Sold 10,000 Bottles Of Cologne That Smells Like Burnt Hair And Is Pretty Sure He Doesn’t Have Any More “Looming Babies”

October 12, 2022 / Posted by:

I suppose every generation has had to contend with eccentric billionaires. It’s just that billionaires nowadays are far richer and further isolated from the reality the rest of us live in. Take Howard Hughes, for example. He was a big weirdo who probably enjoyed the smell of burnt hair and was unnaturally obsessed with his own semen, but he didn’t have legions of fans willing to egg him on at each and every increasingly demented endeavor. If he did, we would have seen one of his relatives on Antiques Roadshow let out a resigned sigh when Mark L. Walberg tells them the Hughes Tool Company branded bottle of urine they found in the attic isn’t even worth 5 cents at the recycling center. Meanwhile, legions of Musk Rats are out here throwing good money after bad buying up $100 bottles of Burnt Hair scented cologne from Elon Musk’s gag business The Boring Company. You see, Howard may have drooled on stars. But Elon is one.

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The Québec Influencers Who Got Banned From An Airline For Partying On Their Flight Are Stuck In Mexico

January 6, 2022 / Posted by:

Nope, that’s not Emma Roberts vaping in the header pic (as far as I know). It’s one of the 150 Québécois influencers who chartered a Sunwing Airlines flight from Montreal to Cancun on December 30. Despite the efforts of plane staff, these kids spent five hours partying, vaping, drinking, and not wearing masks. And because they’re all dumber than a sack of hammers, they posted videos of their debauchery to social media. Big mistake. HUGE. The footage became headline news, and even Prime Minister Justin Trudeau got involved, calling the incident “a slap in the face.” Cuz, you know, the pandemic. Although I’d have thought JT would have been a little more understanding, considering everybody makes mistakes in their twenties.

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A New Study Claims That People Who Are Obsessed With Celebrities Are Less Intelligent

January 6, 2022 / Posted by:

According to a test conducted by some allegedly smart people, there might be low intelligence levels lurking amongst the type of people who live and die by red carpet analysis, blind items, Instagram pregnancy reveals, reality shows filmed on yachts, Calabasas, or sexy unique restaurants, or who Pete Davidson is dating. Non-biased third-party verification very much needed, I know! But according to this study, it’s apparently true. Those who are compelled to follow the comings and goings in the world of celebrity are reportedly not the brightest of what humanity has to offer.

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Oprah Is Distancing Herself From Dr. Oz’s Senate Campaign

December 29, 2021 / Posted by:

Dr. Mehmet Oz is currently running as a Republican in Pennsylvania’s Senate race, which has caused him to end his talk show. Oprah is to blame for Oz at least since she brought him up on The Oprah Winfrey Show and then helped him launch his own The Dr. Oz Show. But she’s not endorsing him because that would be a bad look. She could always tell him who her PR person is though, because Dr. Oz and his wife Lisa Oz are apparently so bad at media communications that they didn’t hang up on a reporter before talking shit about her, so she heard it all.

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An Australian TV Reporter Was Suspended For Two Weeks After He Admitted To Not Listening To Adele’s Album During An Interview With Her

November 21, 2021 / Posted by:

Just suspended? Bitch should be imprisoned for life” said every disciple of Adele who has already memorized every lyric on her new album 30 and had their favorite lyric tattooed on the insides of their eyelids.

Adele’s critically-loved fourth studio album 30 came out on Friday, and was streamed over 60 million times on Spotify in its first day, and hit #1 on the iTunes album chart just hours after it came out. So there are some Adele fans who would’ve given their favorite child’s best kidney to listen to it early. Matt Doran, the host of Australian’s Weekend Sunrise, got the chance to listen to it early since he was interviewing Adele about it, but his lazy ass didn’t even bother. And he didn’t even pull some “furiously read the Cliffs Notes version minutes before the book quiz is given” shit. Matt admitted to Adele that he didn’t listen to the album he was interviewing her about. It got him suspended from his job for two weeks. It also got him inducted into the You Had ONE Job Hall of Shame.

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Big Bird Got The COVID-19 Vaccine And It Pissed Off Ted Cruz

November 8, 2021 / Posted by:

Over the weekend Big Bird got the COVID-19 vaccine! He immediately tweeted that shit (he is a bird, after all), writing, “My wing is feeling a little sore, but it’ll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and other healthy.” Before he got the jab, Big Bird participated in a CNN Town Hall for Families to help answer questions from kids about the vaccine, which was recently authorized for American children ages 5-11.

Awww, good for Big Bird… would be any reasonable, well-intentioned person’s response. But “reasonable” and “well-intentioned” are not adjectives to describe Texas Senator Ted Cruz. He tweeted, “Government propaganda… for your 5 year old!” and a slew of other hardcore right-wing trolls did the same. Hmmm… Big Bird is technically only 6-years-old, so I don’t think he’s old enough to identify as right or left-wing. He uses both wings equally!

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