God bless #Murica. 55-year-old Kevin Bacon, and not the actor as far as this Smoking Gun story knows, was allegedly watching clips from Saved By The Bell on his phone. Specifically an episode called “Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce.” While driving. And he hit a cop car. Wait, he really told the Thetford Police Department cops WHAT EPISODE he was watching? Did I type the #Murica hashtag yet? Someone check.
If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”
Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”
Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.
Last night on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Kevin Bacon proved once again why he’s still one of the hottest pieces around (for reasons greater than just having a delicious-sounding name). Kevin was there to promote his show The Following, but it’s also the 30th anniversary of the film Footloose, so Jimmy set up his introduction around a joke that dancing had been outlawed on The Tonight Show. Cut to Kevin Bacon in his dressing room wearing his costume from Footloose. And cut to me letting out a slow yaaasssss, because I offing love The Footloose. And I say ‘The Footloose’, because there is only one. Yes I’m talking about you, Footloose remake! Hang your head in shame; you’re not a movie, YOU’RE A MONSTER.
Even though Kevin Bacon is 55, he can still move like he’s 25. Sort of. There was obviously a dance-double or two in a couple of those shots, but I’ll give it a pass because the original was as fake as the ass on a Kardashian, and also because Kevin Bacon probably has DKs (dad knees) and he can’t wiggle and thrust like he used to. But GUT DAYUM he can still fill out a pair of jeans. I had to call up my therapist halfway through that video because I was starting to get the most confusing downstairs feelings. “Hi, Dr. Black? Is it normal to get turned on by a middle-aged Kevin Bacon shimmying his ass around in a pair of stonewashed Kirkland Signatures? It is? Okay, well what about John Lithgow? Footloose era, present day, doesn’t matter. Hello? Hello?”
Kevin Bacon has seen better days! First, Madoff stole a bunch of cash monies from Kevin. Then, he found out his Footlose role is going to that frosted twink Chace Crawford. And now the dude was straight-up robbed in a subway station!
The New York Post says that on Thursday morning, Kevin was down in the Seventh Avenue subway stop performing his big number from Footloose for extra dollars from commuters when some evil doer stole his Blackberry! Okay, he wasn’t dancing for coins, he was just leaving the station when a thief grabbed the Blackberry right out of his purdy paws! Kevin didn’t give it up that easy and chased the berrynapper through the station, but lost him.
How ever did the Bacon lose him? He must have not leaped and spun through the station while throwing jazz hands around, right? He would’ve caught the asshole if he used jazz hands!
Kevin apparently called the police.
Seriously, did Kevin drop a mirror under a ladder while crossing a black cat? What the fuck shit next? At least he’ll always have the last name of the most delicious thing that exists in this world. He’ll always have that.
Somebody give Kevin Bacon a job! And not a blow job! Well, unless you’re going to pay top dollar for it. Seriously, can’t they write him into the Footloose remake? Or maybe a network can buy BACON’D? Something! Kevin is just not bringing home the bacon the way he used to (GONG!). The bitch needs money.
Kevin and his wife person, Kyra Sedgwick, found themselves swindled by Bernie Madoff. They say they lost everything but the money in their checking accounts and their houses. Kevin told Life & Style that he needs work, “We’ll march on. We have to. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t change what happened. Things could be worse. You remember that, and you go on with your life. I didn’t see it coming. I don’t have anything lined up right now, but I need to work, for obvious reasons.”
Kyra has money coming in from The Closer. But Kevin’s last gig was that Frosty Snowman/Nixon movie.
Ok, what about a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game show hosted by the man himself. I’d watch that shit. Let’s play it now! Shall we? I’ll start:
1. I know a bitch.
2. This bitch knows Justin Theroux’s dog sitter.
3. Justin Theroux’s dog sitter obviously knows Justin Theroux.
4. Justin Theroux was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle with Shia LaDouche.
5. Shia LaDouche was in New York, I Love You with KEVIN BACON!
Voila. I am separated from Kevin Bacon by 5 degrees. It’s your turn. You can use this hot website to help you. I’m sure all of you will beat my ass. 5 is pretty weak.