Category: DUH
Kanye West Pretty Much Admits That His Presidential Campaign Is Designed To Hurt Joe Biden’s Chances
Kanye West is supposed to be focusing on Operation: Save His Shit Marriage in an “island fortress” somewhere in the Dominican Republican, but I guess Pimp Mama Kris’ Zoom call presentation, where she uses storyboards to show how they can stretch out the inevitable KimYe divorce for maximum attention and profits, doesn’t take all day. Because Kanye managed to pull himself away for a minute to talk to his good friends at Forbes about how the Donald Trump campaign is helping him get on the ballot in certain states. That move makes it look like Kanye2020 is a reboot of JillStein2016, and he didn’t deny that, but he later tweeted that his goal is to win it all. So basically he’s Amber Rose’s three fingers and the presidential race is his booty hole because he’s all the way in.
Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle Let Donald Trump Know That They’re Paying For Their Own Security, And They Also Said Goodbye To Their Sussex Royal Instagram Page
During this time of corona, Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle decided to scoop up 10-month-old Master Archie, get on a plane, and flee Canada for a compound in Los Angeles. They probably made that decision after finding out the devastating news that their rental home on Vancouver Island was way out of the delivery area of Craig’s (THE HORROR!). Before they left Canada, the country let us all know that the armed moose who were assigned to protect PHG and Meghan would no longer be available after March 31 and those two would have to get their own security. And now that they’re out of Canada and living in California, Jabba the Trump tweeted that the U.S. will not open its purse to pay for their security. To which PHG and Meghan responded by basically saying, “Bitch, we weren’t even going to ask!”
Kensington Palace And Meghan Markle Confirm The Obvious: Her Dad Won’t Be At Her Wedding
Yesterday morning, Meghan Markle’s dad Thomas Markle had his chest opened up and his heart operated on in a hospital in Rosarito, Mexico. He was well enough to talk to TMZ shortly after going through major fucking surgery, so that’s a good sign, I guess. But even though Thomas is well enough to talk to his new BFF Harvey Levin, he’s obviously not well enough to sit in coach for a 10+ hour flight to London. I say coach, because you know THE QUEEN isn’t about to open up her pocketbook and pull out coins to upgrade a trashy American traitor who has stained her family’s pristine image of never ever selling each other out or acting a mess. NEVER!
Since any royal news isn’t official until it’s hear ye hear ye’d out by the modern day version of the town crier (read: Twitter), Kensington Palace tweeted a note from Meghan where she confirmed that the father she’s always “cared” for isn’t going to her wedding. Yes, she said “cared” and not “loved.” There really hasn’t been nearly enough stories about this fucking wedding, so it’s a good thing she used “cared” in her statement, because now we’ll get 12,000 think pieces about that. Yay!
You’ll Never Believe Who Prince Hot Ginge Chose As His Best Man… (It’s Prince William, Duh)
The day when my internal organs all raise up several white flags after I repeatedly pour bowls of Why Me? stew (uncooked cake batter, a box of wine, 2 pounds of snickerdoodle weed cookie crumbs, 4 blended up Double Doubles, and my own tears) into my crying hole is a little over three weeks away. That means news about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding is going from “Jesus Christ, Make It Stop” to “Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, And Bea Arthur, Make It Stop.”
Kensington Palace has already announced shit about the wedding cake, the wedding flowers, the guests, and the music (which surprisingly doesn’t include Meghan Markle singing Boom I Got Your Boyfriend to us haters at her wedding reception). And today, Kensington Palace burped up the announcement that we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the announcement that Prince William and Duchess Kate named their third kid Prince Morrissey Is Trash of Cambridge. Kensington Palace announced that PHG has chosen his brother as his best man. Who else, really? The British royals are like 12-year-old me: they don’t have fwends!
Meghan Markle Is Leaving “Suits.” Shit, I Wonder Why?
When Meghan Markle isn’t viciously rubbing the fact that she has the keys to the royal ginger jewel box in our faces, she does acting stuff on the USA Network show Suits. But since no family member of THE QUEEN is allowed to tarnish the pristine family name by doing pleasantly shit like acting on a basic cable show, Meghan is bouncing out of Suits. Sorry, but the only acting that British royals are allowed to do is act like they’re in a happy marriage.
Daniel Craig Confirms The Obvious
Here you go, Tom Hiddleston – it’s my treat to you: the perfect picture to print out and tape to your mirror if you’re the type who likes to shout out their emotions at physical symbols of their sadness. Well, you know, when you’re done screaming at that cursed I Heart TS tank top, of course.