Over the weekend, Kanye West announced that he’s running for POTUS, and everyone should totally take him seriously since he hasn’t even filed the paperwork yet, his name isn’t going to make it on the ballot in at least six states, and he’s delivered this threat before. But STUNT QUEENS gotta stunt so Kanye is keeping this stunt going and Forbes gave him a platform to ramble on about a fantasy presidential run. Kanye talked about GOD, how he trashed his MAGA hat, GOD, how he’s a COVID-19 survivor, GOD, how he doesn’t believe in vaccines, GOD, how he is against abortion because he’s “following the word of the bible,” GOD, and GOD. Did I mention that he name-dropped God so much that God is about to file a restraining order against him?
Kanye talked to the new Kardashian Kentral known as Forbes through a telephone call from his ranch in Wyoming and promises that his presidential bid is not some hollow stunt to promote his album (which means that it’s totally a hollow stunt to promote his album). Since Kanye missed the deadline to file for a POTUS bid in many states, he’s hoping he can use the coronavirus excuse to get onto every state’s ballot. Kanye already named a running mate, a preacher from Wyoming named Michelle Tidball, and his team of advisors are only made up of Elon Musk and future Attorney General Kim Kartrashian. Kanye is running under the “Birthday Party” because “when we win, it’s everybody’s birthday.”
Kanye’s interview is a sloppy air kiss to Evangelicals, because most of his answers revolve around God. Kanye believes prayer needs to be reinstated in schools, will consult with “experts who serve God” about what to do with taxes, will clean up chemicals in products since that they affect our ability to serve God (cut to all the chemicals inside of the Kardashians), and is against abortion and believes “Planned Parenthoods have been placed inside cities by white supremacists to do the Devil’s work.”
Here’s some more of The Gospel According To Cult Leader Kanye.
On why he removed his tongue from Trump’s ass and decided to run for POTUS this year instead of 2024:
“It looks like one big mess to me,” he says. “I don’t like that I caught wind that [Trump] hid in the bunker.” West also says that he contracted the coronavirus in late February, though he maintains that had nothing to do with his thoughts on running this year.
I’m not saying Trump’s in my way, he may be a part of my way. And Joe Biden? Like come on man, please. You know? Obama’s special. Trump’s special. We say Kanye West is special. America needs special people that lead. Bill Clinton? Special. Joe Biden’s not special.”
On why he put a MAGA hat on his head in the first place:
“One of the main reasons I wore the red hat as a protest to the segregation of votes in the Black community. Also, other than the fact that I like Trump hotels and the saxophones in the lobby.”
On Joe Biden:
“A lot of times just like political parties they feel all Blacks have to be Democrat. This man, Joe Biden, said if you don’t vote for me, then you are not Black. Well, act like we didn’t hear that? We act like we didn’t hear that man say that? That man said that. It’s a rap. We gonna walk, all the people. Jay-Z said it best. For the other candidates, I just gracefully suggest y’all bow out—Trump and Biden, gracefully bow out. It’s God’s country, we are doing everything in service to God, nobody but God no more. I am in service of our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and I put everything I get on the line to serve God.”
On how he’s not mentally unwell and why he decided to run for POTUS:
“God just gave me the clarity and said it’s time. You know I was out there, ended up in the hospital, people were calling me crazy. I’m not crazy. Between all of the influences and the positions that we can be put in as musicians—you go on tour, you put out all these albums, and you look up and you don’t have any money in your account. It can drive you crazy, through all of that I was looking crazy because it wasn’t the time. Now it’s time. And we’re not going crazy, we’re going Yeezy, it’s a whole ‘notha level now. N-O-T-H-A.
On how he’s going to use the Wakanda framework during his time in the White House:
“A lot of Africans do not like the movie [Black Panther] and representation of themselves in…Wakanda. But I’m gonna use the framework of Wakanda right now because it’s the best explanation of what our design group is going to feel like in the White House…That is a positive idea: you got Kanye West, one of the most powerful humans—I’m not saying the most because you got a lot of alien level superpowers and it’s only collectively that we can set it free. Let’s get back to Wakanda
On getting coronavirus:
“Chills, shaking in the bed, taking hot showers, looking at videos telling me what I’m supposed to do to get over it. I remember someone had told me Drake had the coronavirus and my response was Drake can’t be sicker than me!” (laughs)
“It’s so many of our children that are being vaccinated and paralyzed… So when they say the way we’re going to fix Covid is with a vaccine, I’m extremely cautious. That’s the mark of the beast. They want to put chips inside of us, they want to do all kinds of things, to make it where we can’t cross the gates of heaven. I’m sorry when I say they, the humans that have the Devil inside them. And the sad thing is that, the saddest thing is that we all won’t make it to heaven, that there’ll be some of us that do not make it. Next question.”
The most shocking thing about this Forbes interviewer is that the interviewer didn’t tell Kanye to hold for a second and rope in a mental health professional. I mean when Kanye said that he’s off his meds, he meant it.
And nobody tell Kanye that the button in the afterworld elevator marked “Heaven” isn’t going to work when a Kardashian presses it because of the whole “pact with the devil for fame and money” thing.