Lindsay Lohan Announced She’s Pregnant With Her First Child
The children of Moscow can rest easy tonight knowing that alleged attempted child napper Lindsay Lohan is pregnant with a child of her own. She has announced that she’s expecting her first child with her husband, Bader Shammas. Lindsay’s come a long way since those dark times, and people are asking, “is this a sign that a glorious new day is upon us?” As we know from our scriptures, no Lohanaissance is complete until five things occur, kinda like the seven seals of the apocalypse but more festive, and there are only five. They are as follows:
First, Lindsay must deliver unto us a dance move for the ages, which she has. Second, she must meet the man of her dreams. Done and done! Thirdly, Lindsay shall enter into a contract with a sinister force, and vanquish that force from within. Why do you think Netflix’s numbers tanked? Check. Fourthly, Lindsay must fall pregnant and announce it on Instagram and personally speak to TMZ about it. Citizens of the world, that day has come.
Lindsay tells TMZ … “We are very excited for our new family member to arrive and we are looking forward to this next chapter of our lives!”
This baby will be the first for Lindsay … so this is a huge life milestone for the 36-year-old.
Lindsay was last photographed a little over a month ago, and she was wearing loose fitting clothes covering her belly.
Well, so was I. That proves nothing. However, given the progression of signs we’ve seen, I have no reason to doubt that the Lohanaissance is well and truly upon us. Buckle up, world. Baby Lohan is nigh and will be an unstoppable force once it’s suckled at Lindsay’s bosom, growing more and more powerful each day as her Pepsi milk courses through its veins.
Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey, that was only four event horizons! When will the streets teem with humanity all doing the Lilo in unison as the creator intended!? Jamie Lee Curtis won an Oscar, is Freaky Friday 2 ordained?” Well, my fellow Liloites, even after she’s given birth, the fifth and final sign must occur. And no, it’s not selling out her NFT collection. Before the Lohanaissance can be beheld, Lindsay must finish the studio album she started in 2019. So it is spoken, so it shall be.
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