Lindsay Lohan Announced She’s Pregnant With Her First Child

March 14, 2023 / Posted by:

The children of Moscow can rest easy tonight knowing that alleged attempted child napper Lindsay Lohan is pregnant with a child of her own. She has announced that she’s expecting her first child with her husband, Bader Shammas. Lindsay’s come a long way since those dark times, and people are asking, “is this a sign that a glorious new day is upon us?” As we know from our scriptures, no Lohanaissance is complete until five things occur, kinda like the seven seals of the apocalypse but more festive, and there are only five. They are as follows:

First, Lindsay must deliver unto us a dance move for the ages, which she has. Second, she must meet the man of her dreams. Done and done! Thirdly, Lindsay shall enter into a contract with a sinister force, and vanquish that force from within. Why do you think Netflix’s numbers tanked? Check. Fourthly, Lindsay must fall pregnant and announce it on Instagram and personally speak to TMZ about it. Citizens of the world, that day has come.

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