Category: The Lohanaissance
Lindsay Lohan Was Fined By The SEC For Violating Disclosure Regulations For A Crypto Ad
What do worst Paul brother Jake Paul, Lil Yachty, Soulja Boy, Austin Mahone, Akon, Ne-Yo, and porn star Kendra Lust all have in common? Well, thanks to the genre-bending, quadruple threat and possible bearer of out next Lord and Savior, Lindsay Lohan, they are all just one degree of separation away from three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep. CNN reports that Lindsay and her ragtag gang of “business” “associates” have all been charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission with violating disclosure rules while promoting crypto tokens on social media. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can anchor a team of random miscreants like our Lady in the Red.
Lindsay Lohan Announced She’s Pregnant With Her First Child
The children of Moscow can rest easy tonight knowing that alleged attempted child napper Lindsay Lohan is pregnant with a child of her own. She has announced that she’s expecting her first child with her husband, Bader Shammas. Lindsay’s come a long way since those dark times, and people are asking, “is this a sign that a glorious new day is upon us?” As we know from our scriptures, no Lohanaissance is complete until five things occur, kinda like the seven seals of the apocalypse but more festive, and there are only five. They are as follows:
Lindsay Lohan And Her Husband Made Their Red Carpet Debut, And She Talked About Her Return To Hollywood
Last night was the New York premiere of the new Lindsay Lohan Netflix movie, Falling for Christmas. OK, it wasn’t so much a “premiere” as it was a “fan screening,” but a red carpet is a red carpet, baby! And Lindsay walked it with her new husband, Bader Shammas, and a couple of other very special guests: sister/co-star Ali Lohan, age 28, and her mother, Dina Lohan, age 60. Doneta Melina Nicolette Lohan (née Sullivan) hath returneth!
Open Post: Hosted By Lindsay Lohan Falling On Her Sword To Save Christmas In The Trailer For Netflix’s “Falling For Christmas”
We may be careening towards complete societal collapse, but even if it’s our last, this Christmas is sure to be the best one yet thanks to Lindsay Lohan falling off a cliff in the trailer for her Netflix Christmas movie, Falling for Christmas. Last year we learned that The War on Christmas’ clumsiest warrior had pulled herself away from the recording studio, where she is still presumably putting the finishing touches on her long-awaited album that was supposed to usher in the 2019 Lohaniassance, to film FFC as well as a second rom-com for Netflix called Irish Wish, which will presumably come out just in time to save Saint Patrick’s day.
Lindsay Lohan Pokes Fun At Herself In A Super Bowl Commercial For Planet Fitness
She’s back, bitches! In the three years since her MTV reality show Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club got shitcanned, Lindsay Lohan has clawed and scratched her way back up to the lower-middle and is starring in a Planet Fitness commercial that will air during the Super Bowl! Now, it’s a bit premature to say her acting career is skyrocketing towards where it once was, but I think we could say she’s at least found the keys to a reasonably priced midsize sedan and is planning to go put some gas in the tank as soon as that Planet Fitness check clears so she can eventually hit the road to success at a safe and responsible speed.
The New York Post Called Out Chrissy Teigen For Bullying Lindsay Lohan And She’s Apologized Again
Welcome to 2021— A year unlike any other where Lindsay Lohan gets a three-page piece in The New York Post all about her triumphant return to world domination just as Chrissy Teigen has been shamed into silence for her legacy as a Twitter troll. Do you know how much devastating Lohanaissance material Chrissy probably has saved in her drafts? Sadly, we’ll probably never find out because Chrissy has issued yet another apology for her past behavior and swears she’s left the “insecure, immature” person she used to be in the past. But as Chrissy seeks absolution, there’s one person who’s not going to let her forget the lives she ruined, and that person is Dina Lohan!