Watch out Great Britain and its Commonwealth subsidiaries; there’s a new sheriff in town. And by sheriff, I of course mean unelected figurehead of an archaic, parasitic institution still perpetuating the myth of the divine right of kings. God’s newest special baby, King Charles III, ain’t your mum’s monarch. You won’t find old Chuckie Trips cooing at corgis and coddling his kids like his mother THE QUEEN. According to The Daily Beast, Chuckie Trips don’t play when it comes to his wayward son Prince Harry, and he’s about to get medieval on his ass. Or, more accurately, he’s reportedly prepared to go Prewar Era on Harry’s ass by having him “permanently exiled” from the kingdom, much like his great uncle King Edward VIII was after abdicating the throne in 1936. And Harry’s not the only Royal who might find themselves on the smooshy underside of Chuckie Trip’s iron fist. His brother Prince Andrew is reportedly stressed that Charles is going to kick him and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson out of their 31-bedroom Royal Lodge house in Windsor now that mum isn’t around to shield him with her ample bosom. Damn, if I knew Charles was gonna be this ruthless, I wouldn’t have had all those ball caps made that read “Make The Crown That Bitch Again.”
Even just the thought that Charles would exile his own son to America before he’d exile his disgraced brother to live out the rest of his days scrubbing the toilets at the Pizza Express in Woking, gives me hope for the future of the British monarchy. Chuck’s not going to make history sitting on his hands. Well, unless they explode, which, given the tensile stress their under, is a real possibility. According to The Daily Beast:
Prince Harry faces a life of permanent “exile,” with King Charles plotting to follow the playbook drawn up by the royals as they overcame the crisis triggered by Edward VIII, the king who abdicated in 1936 and was obliged to live the rest of his life outside the U.K., The Daily Beast understands.
A friend of the king’s told The Daily Beast: “The royals handled the abdication crisis by exiling Edward which meant he and Wallis ultimately came to seem like unimportant, misguided, disloyal, and even treacherous individuals to almost the entirety of the British people. It was a masterful operation in the service of which the Queen Mother, in particular, worked tirelessly.
“The same thing is already happening with Harry and Meghan, and will only gather pace over the next few years under the rule of King Charles. And of course a wayward second son is far less of an existential threat to the fabric of the monarchy than a wayward king.”
Boy, I bet Harry really regrets wearing what might have been his great-great uncle’s Nazi uniform now! Another source says that when Charles said in his accession speech that Harry and his wife Meghan Markle will “continue to build their lives overseas,” it was “an undisguised message to them to not disrupt his reign by making frequent trips to the U.K.” Chuckie Trips, the first British monarch to say “bet!” live from Buckingham Palace. The Daily Beast adds that Meghan and Harry will probably be invited to Chuck’s coronation but will be seated in the nosebleed section, which is the entire front row as inbreds are sadly prone to such ailments. The source says that Meghan and Harry are “a huge distraction that the royals don’t need. Charles wants them out of sight and out of mind,” where they’ve apparently been living rent-free for some time. Speaking of which…
The Sun reports that Andrew and Original Fergie are “safe for now” and can continue going around and eating crumbly biscuits in each and every one of those 31 beds at Royal Lodge to keep the maids on their toes as Chuck “is unlikely to make a decision soon,” “but it is understood they are expecting to be given notice to leave as the Royal Family reviews its vast property portfolio.” But when and if that happens, the 75-year lease Andrew signed to let Royal Lodge means “he could be handed up to £7 million compensation if he is asked to move out.” And if that’s not enough to keep Andrew and Original Fergie from having to hang out in front of Buckingham Palace holding cardboard signs that read “Homeless And Hungry, Unfortunately Will Not Work For Anything,” there’s always money in the Banana Stand. That’s the twee British name for the $6 million house in London Fergie recently purchased with mysteriously procured funds reportedly as “an investment for their daughters.”
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