Open Post: Hosted By Bear’s “Bulge”
If you’re like me (desperate, hard-up, thirsty and get the tingles for anything that sort-of-kind-of-not-really resembles a dick), then this post is for you! By the way, using the word “thirsty” in a post about Bear “Piss Queen” Grylls probably wasn’t a good idea.
On the British variety show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, the hosts pulled a prank on Bear Grylls, but The Mirror says that many people weren’t laughing, because they were too busy slobbering all over the possible Hammaconda Jr. situation going on in his pants. Bear and his wife Shara Knight (yes, the wife who’s wearing a ring with his dried ass crack juices on it) went to dinner at one of those restaurants where you eat in the dark. When the lights went out, waiters bumped into Bear on purpose, dishes broke around him and they put Gummi Bears in his food. Shara was in on the prank. When the lights came back on, Ant and Dec popped up in bear suits and let Bear know that they got his ass. After Bear got out of his chair, people watching wondered if that was an enema he keeps in his pocket just in case he gets stranded on a raft and needs to keep from dehydrating, or was he just happy to see us.
Thankfully, someone put together a very important Detective Courtney Love-like video where they slowed it down and put a red circle around the possible peen print. This video has 3,307 views and 3,306 definitely came from me alone. I know, I’ve already seen Bear’s frozen peensicle out in the wild and yet I still spent a lot of time with this dumb video.
Since Bear apparently fakes a lot, that shit in his pants could be fake. Or it could just be an iPhone. I’m mad that nobody in that restaurant noticed the bulge and screamed, “HEY SIRI,” at it to see if it would talk back.
Kelly Clarkson Says She Was Blackmailed Into Working With Dr. Luke
Last month, a judge shot down Kesha’s preliminary injunction request to record music outside of her contract with alleged not-great dude Dr. Luke. After the judge denied Kesha’s request, several famous people came to her defense by tweeting their support. Kelly Clarkson was one of them, and she didn’t really say much at the time. Kelly retweeted the band Best Coast (who called the situation “bullshit“) and added: “Trying 2 not say anything since I can’t say anything nice about a person…so this is me not talking about Dr. Luke.”
Kelly clearly said fuck it to the whole “If you can’t say anything nice” thing, because she spilled some feelings about Dr. Luke during a recent interview with Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O radio show (via UsWeekly). Kelly worked with Dr. Luke during the production of Breakaway back in 2004 and she didn’t have a whole lot of nice things to say about the experience. Thanks to Kesha, we already know what can allegedly happen when you work with Dr. Luke. And while Kelly’s experience wasn’t nearly as horrible, she does want you to know that it wasn’t pleasant.
It’s Monday, So Here’s Zac Efron’s He-Man Action Figure Body
The other day, I was looking at pictures from the set of the Baywatch movie on Miami Beach, and my eyes landed on an image that was just as bizarre and unbelievable as seeing an alive Tupac and an alive Jimmy Hoffa hump each other on top of a real-life unicorn wearing original Reebok The Pumps. (Side note: I still curse the name of every asshole brat who made fun of me for wearing bootleg Rebook Pumps that my mom bought me at the swap meet for my birthday.) The image was of Zac Efron in a shirt (the pictures are in the gallery below). How? Why?
Zac is shooting a movie that mostly takes place on a beach and he plays a lifeguard, and there’s a scene where he wears a shirt? 2016 is really bending brains. First, Posh Beckham has freed her hooves of high heels and now Zac Efron is wearing shirts in movies? But all’s right again, because Zac brought out his turtle shell cum gutters and veiny peen arms while shooting a topless scene on Saturday.
Every time I see new pictures of Zac, he looks bigger and buffer and he’s got even more muscles on his body. I bet even his jizz fish have six packs. And in many of the pictures from Saturday, Zac looks like he’s suffering from stage 10 constipation and he probably is. Dude’s nalgas are probably so muscled-up and clenched that it’s impossible for him to caca.
And this Baywatch movie takes place in modern day, but Zac’s haircut could’ve fooled me. That haircut is very 90s coked-up club douche (aka A Night At The Roxbury) meets late-80s Eastern European gay porn star. What I’m saying is that Zac should keep that haircut because it is the look.
Pics: Splash
Katt Williams Is Punching His Way Across The USA
If Keebler-sized comedian Katt Williams’ 2016 New Year’s resolution was to see more places and punch more people, then I’d say he’s doing a great job so far. Last week, it was reported that Katt Williams punched a pool supply store employee in Gainesville, GA, punched a female fan in Atlanta, and punched a car accident bystander in Los Angeles. Now it looks like we can add Philadelphia to the list of places Katt Williams has punched someone in 2016.
According to TMZ, Feral Katt’s fist-swinging tour made a stop in Philadelphia during a rap show on Sunday. Because Katt is a professional mess, he made sure to warm up first by grabbing a mic and busting out a verse, dancing like a malfunctioning Rock’n Flower, and doing push-ups on stage. Once he was done all of that, he was ready to go full-Katt, which you can see at the 1:54 mark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD1gGt57qqc
TMZ says that Katt was subdued with a beat down courtesy of the entourage of the guy he punched, and that no one was arrested. As for why Katt was acting up again, I’m going to guess he was possessed by the same malevolent feline demon that was cast out of Lux the Cat. We’re only three months into 2016, and Katt has punched four people in three states in only 8 days. It’s like he’s trying to meet a deadline or something. Is he trying to punch people in all 50 states by Independence Day? Damn Katt, slow down – it’s not The Amazing Race.
Pic: Splash
Steven Tyler And His 28-Year-Old Assistant Are Officially A Thing Now
Bad news for all of you kinky whores whose wet dream has always been to regularly suckle on Steven Tyler’s luscious and juicy cone chichis, your wet dream isn’t going to come true anytime soon. Because Steven Tyler is much too busy using that big ass mouth to make the toes on his 28-year-old assistant Aimee Ann Preston curl like his.
The Daily Mail says that Aimee has been Steven Tyler’s assistant for a few years and a couple of years ago, there were rumors that she was bouncing on his seasoned fuck part. They’re apparently still at it and made their love “official” at Elton John’s Oscars after-party two Sundays ago when they walked in holding hands. I’m sure that as soon as they sashayed in, everyone turned around and said, “Who is that extremely hot May/December lesbian couple?” The Daily Mail had this to say about Steven and his young piece/assistant:
Now I can reveal the 67-year-old’s companion is Aimee Ann Preston, who at 28 is a full decade younger than his actor daughter Liv.
Aimee Ann is Steve’s personal assistant and although the couple were first rumoured to have dated in 2014, now it’s serious. They made no secret of their romance at Elton’s event and she recently posted pictures online of a new house it’s believed she shares with her older lover.
Sure, Aimee Ann is 10 years younger than Steven’s oldest kid and is only 3 years older than his youngest, but she’s 28 and he’s a rich rock star, so on a scandalous scale of “broke my pearls from clutching so hard” and “didn’t even mouth queef out a ‘meh‘,” this is much closer to “meh.” Besides, at least Steven didn’t have to call an adoption lawyer when he wanted to move Aimee Ann into his house.
Here’s more of Steven busting out John Robert Powers-approved poses with Sheryl Crow at Elton John’s Oscar party.
The British Royal Family Gave You Land’s End Catalog Poses During Their “Secret” Ski Vacation
The jealous peasants and the anti-monarchy trash media (THE QUEEN’S got your numbers, The Daily Mail and The Sun) have been hating on Duchess Kate and Prince William for being royal lazies who go on vacation more than they work. So, as their hating subjects rise flaming pitchforks into the sky and threaten to storm the palace (that’s what’s happening, right?), Duchess Lazy and Prince It’s Always Nap Time decided now is the best time to take another holiday. If you were Sookeh Stackhouse and had the fairy power of mind-reading, you’d probably hear Duchess Kate and Prince William rapping the lyrics, “Don’t hate me, hate the money I see, clothes that I buy ice that I wear, clothes that I try, close your eyes,” to themselves as they smiled all happy-like for the camera.
Kensington Palace tweeted out a bunch of pictures of Duchess Kate, Prince William, 2-year-old Prince George and 10-month-old Princess Charlotte on a quick family snow trip to the French Alps last Wednesday. They were only there for a few days and are already gone. The Daily Mail says that on past royal ski trips, the British media and photographers were invited to take pictures. But this time, Duchess Kate and Prince William wanted to keep their kids’ first ski trip on the shush. The Daily Mail thinks they took a private jet, and they only brought one photographer, John Stillwell, with them. John took a few completely natural pictures including this one of Duchess Kate throwing a snowball at Prince William, and Prince William looking like Lindsay Lohan during a sneezing fit.
I know, these boring and cheesy ass photo-ops are nothing without a naked Prince Hot Ginge photo bombing them in the background. But then again, he’s probably banned from the French Alps because his ginger hotness would melt the snow and flood the town.
The hating bitches who say that Prince William never works and doesn’t do enough royal “smile and waving” engagements can choke on their words. Because Duchess Kate and Prince William work so hard that they even worked during their vacation. They did hard labor (for the royals) by smiling, picking up snowballs and smiling some more. Bitches better slow down before they burn out. I really hope that after this trip, they went on a vacation where they rested up from their vacation.
Pics: WPA Pool/Getty