Shooting on Fifty Shits Darker, the sequel to the award-winning butt pebble Fifty Shades of Shit (hey, Razzies are more important than Oscars), has started in Vancouver, BC in Canada and it’s nice to see that nothing has really changed from the first movie. That Anastasia Foil chick and Christian Beige still produce about as much heat as a wet match does. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan shot a scene where they kissed in the rain and as his lips were on hers, he probably thought to himself, “Hmmm… What should I have for lunch? This dead fish of a kiss has given me a craving for a lukewarm tuna and stale Wonder Bread sandwich…….” While Dakota thought to herself, “This ice block of a kiss reminds me that I really need to get my housekeeper to defrost my freezer.”

Even the kiss between those parking meters in front of them is hotter and has more passion. So yeah, basically those parking meters should replace those two in the next Fifty Shits movie.

Pics: Splash

Welcome to 2016, Sherri Shepherd’s extremely-messy surrogate baby custody situation. The last time we checked in on Lamar Sally, Sherri Shepherd’s shameless ex-husband and father of the surrogate baby they had made while they were married, he was still cashing child support checks from Sherri to the tune of $4100 a month. The baby named Lamar Jr. was made with Lamar’s sperm but not with Sherri’s egg. Just in case you forgot, this was a baby Sherri didn’t want and tried really, really hard to walk away from. Basically, it was a goddamn mess. Apparently it’s going to keep being a mess, because a judge has ordered Sherri to keep those child support checks coming.

Page Six says that Sherri was in a Pennsylvania court earlier today to appeal a ruling that declared her the mother of Lamar Jr. Sadly for Sherri’s checking account, a judge took her appeal and dumped it in the trash. Apparently, the lower court ruling in Sherri and Lamar’s case is the first to declare surrogacy contracts binding in Pennsylvania. So unless she can find a dictionary that defines the word “binding” as “involving an obligation that cannot be broken unless you beg really really hard“, then she’s out of luck.

As for Sherri’s relationship with the child she’s spending $49,200 a year on, Lamar Sally’s lawyer says she has never seen him. I know the judge legally declared that Sherri is Lamar Jr.’s mommy, but technically it sounds more like a Tooth Fairy situation. I mean, she’s a lady who Lamar Jr. has never seen who magically makes money appear. Except she doesn’t get any teeth out of it. And she could probably use some new teeth, since I bet she grinds another layer off her own every time she writes one of those $4100 checks.

Pic: Splash

When I first read the news this morning that Nickelodeon is “rebooting” their 90s game show Legends of the Hidden Temple, I nearly jumped up and did the Tootsee Roll out of excitement. (The only way to celebrate the news of the return of a 90s game show is to bust out some 90s moves.) Usually reading the word “reboot” makes me want to call the police department to file a report against Hollywood for viciously murdering another piece of our childhoods, but this one I was actually excited for. I did wonder if kids nowadays even have time to be on a game show in between bullying each other on SnapChat and begging their parents to let them get Fix-A-Flat lip injections like Kylie Jenner. And then I read the actual article at Variety…

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Who is that on the cover of V Magazine?

1. Is it Jessica Simpson after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?

2. Is it Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race in Britney Spears drag after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?

3. Is it Britney Spears circa 2003?

The answer is: None of the above. It’s Britney circa today, bitch. More like, it’s, Photoshop, bitch.

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Last Friday, Henry Cavill’s 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King caused thousands of aspiring celebrity girlfriends to leap out of their seats and give her a round of applause when she was seen arriving at LAX with him two days before the Oscars. Usually it takes a while for a celebrity girlfriend to achieve plus-1 Oscar status, but Tara managed to do it in a mere four months. Just like that, Tara went from 19-year-old college student to 19-year-old life inspiration.

Sadly, Tara King’s reign as the Queen of the Celebrity Teen Girlfriends didn’t last long. When Henry Cavill walked the Oscars red carpet, he did it alone. And when the camera panned to Henry in the audience during the show, it appeared that he was sitting next to a bunch of adults, which can only mean one thing: poor Tara was left in the hotel room on Oscar night. “Sorry Tara, but Oscar Guest is an honor you’ve got to earn” said former celebrity girlfriend Suki Waterhouse. But because Henry Cavill isn’t a completely terrible boyfriend, he swung by the hotel, told her to throw on a dress and press on some Lee’s, and brought her to the Vanity Fair party after the Oscars.

How kind of him! At least she got to walk one red carpet. Sure, it’s technically beige, and it’s about as exclusive as a Target store, but it’s something. Plus, it gave Henry a chance to try out a couple new Handsome Boyfriend™ poses (I think the one above is called The Suave Mannequin).You know, it was really dumb of Henry not to take his teenage girlfriend to the Oscars. When the Academy finds out he had an opportunity to get a young person to watch the show and didn’t take it, they’re going to be so pissed.

Here’s Henry walking the red carpet by himself on Sunday night:

Pics: AP, Wenn.com

It’s that time again when we all say at the same time, “Wait, I thought he was GAY?“, after reading about how Michael C. Hall married a woman.

Michael C. Hall (or “David from Six Feet Under” as I know him, or “Dexter” as those of you who watched Dexter know him, but then again that character may be forever dead to you thanks to that finale) decided that he really wants to be married for a third time. MCH survived Hodgkin’s lymphoma, so maybe he figures that life is too short to not follow your heart to the City Clerk’s Office.

MCH was married to his first wife, Amy Spanger, from 2002 to 2007. After that marriage ate smegma in the gutter, he dusted himself off and married his TV sister, Jennifer Carpenter, on New Year’s  Eve in 2008. They announced they were getting a divorce in 2010 and they legally became exes a year later. MCH started dating book editor and novelist Morgan Macgregor in 2012 and now they’re married, so says his rep. People says that MCH became a third-time husband at City Hall in NYC yesterday morning. The answer to the question, “Who in the HELL, besides a trick needing a green card bad and a 9-month knocked up teen with a strict Catholic abuelita, gets married at City Hall on a Monday morning?“, has finally been answered. Maybe he wanted to beat the crowds, or maybe there’s a Monday morning discount I don’t know about and since it’s his third marriage, he figured he should save in wedding costs wherever he can.

MCH is 45. His new wife’s age is a mystery. I used my serious journalist skills (read: I Googled “How old is Dexter’s new wedded piece?” and called it a day) to find out and came up with nothing. In some pictures she looks like a grown to me and in other pictures she looks like she hears, “Aw, you and your father seem so close,” from a server as she cuddles with MCH in a booth at a restaurant. But what I do know about Morgan is that she seems to be a Depp-loving hipster at heart since she’s got this tattoo on her arm:

If she was really a fan, she’d drop the “na” in that tattoo. But well, if MCH ever wants to get into some scarves and bracelets kink and get his wife to role play as Johnny Depp, she’s already halfway there.

Here’s some riveting pictures of MCH and Morgan Macgregor standing next to each other and walking together throughout the last few years.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash