Naomi Smalls’ cliffhangers from last night’s season 8 premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race!

After what felt like an 84 year break (bring out the OldRoseItsBeen84Years.GIF), RuPaul’s Drag Race finally came back into my life last night and although I’ve been long waiting for some real charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to be queefed into my eyes in a pressed powder and glitter cloud, I can’t believe that this shit still isn’t in HD for me. The picture is like a Real Housewives’ face: stretched out, pulled and a little blurry. It looks footage from a half-broken Willy Wonka factory security camera, because all of the queens look like wide Oompa Loompas. I’ve written my congressperson and begged them to get that shit in HD! I’ve offered to give my cable dude hand jobs (that’s probably why it’s still not in HD)! Still nothing. But I digress…

At this extremely early stage in the season, Kim Chi and Chi Chi Devayne are my favorites, which means they’ll probably sashay away in the next few episodes and someone like Puerto Rico’s answer to Tammie Brown, Cynthia Lee Fontaine, is going to win. For their first challenge, the queens had to try to stand out in a photo with most of the past winners. Naomi Smalls, the queen from Redlands, CA whose idol is Naomi Campbell and named herself after Biggie Smalls and the multi gold medal-winning BlackBerry tosser, stomped out and stole the damn shoot with her shrimp cocktail toes. Quentin Tarantino is about to grab the cocktail sauce and dive in.

Season 7’s winning queen Violet Chachki said that Naomi Smalls looks hot, but that her “cliffhangers” sticking out of her exquisite discount day-shift hooker whore shoes were “boner killers.” Tell that to QT’s very much alive and leaky boner. At first I thought that Naomi Smalls’ cliffhangers were part of her tribute to her idol, but after a quick Google search, I didn’t see a lot of pictures with Naomi Campbell’s toes trying to escape from her shoes. But I did see a few pictures of Naomi’s bunions-encrusted feet looking like they just got a beat down from Naomi. So I’m hoping that Naomi Smalls takes her tribute to the next level by gluing prosthetic bunions to her hooves.

I don’t know what Violet Chachki’s talking about. Naomi’s cliffhangers were the breakout star of the episode…

…and they better win fan favorite.

Freddie Prinze Jr. (40)
Kat Von D (34)
Nick Zano (38)
James Van Der Beek (39)
Hines Ward (40)
Boris Kodjoe (43)
Andrea Parker (46)
Camryn Manheim (56)
Lester Holt (57)
Aidan Quinn (57)
Gary Numan (58)
Carole Bayer Sager (69)
Micky Dolenz (71)

Tom Hiddleston and B. Cums aren’t the only British dudes with crazy fans who make batshit look 100% sane by comparison. Charlie Hunnam does too! Charlie recently asked a chick who runs his Facebook fan club to tell the rest of his fans to lay off of his real-life girlfriend. When his fans turned on the Facebook fan club chick and accused her of faking the message, he had to record a video where he told all of them to calm the fuck down. You probably read all of that and thought to yourself, “Okay, but is he wearing clothes in that video message to his insane fans?” He is. I know, how selfish of him – Lainey Gossip 

Amy Adams doesn’t feel like being tortured by chunky skid mark David O. Russell again – Celebitchy

Brit Brit Spears is working that Cheetos bikini, but with that being said, her raggedy sea weave looks like it was barfed up by the ocean – Drunken Stepfather

It’s shocking that Cynthia Bailey’s Tootie-directed eyewear commercial didn’t play during the Super Bowl, because it truly is a big-budget extravaganza! – Reality Tea

Goopy Paltrow is pressing pause on acting to focus on her comedy act and by comedy act I mean selling more overpriced stupid shit on GOOP –  The Superficial 

Great, now Brit Brit Spears is going to start fapping to Donald Trump. Thanks, John Oliver! – Towleroad 

Peeing in the ocean is for amateurs, so I’m going to take a wild guess that Jennifer Lawrence stepped it up and shat in the ocean – The Nip Slip 

But wasn’t everyone who worked on Return of the Jedi on LSD? – OMG Blog

This video gave me a case of the awwwws. I also must give thanks to the person who edited this video for taking out the part where the dog swallows the tiny bunny whole – The Berry 

Okay, yes, I’m totally going to Photoshop my bent over body in front of The Rock and Zac Efron in that pic, but first tell me who that hot piece keeping time is – SOW

Kelly Sears Roebuck is no Pamela Anderson – Popoholic

The Eagles are having a bad, bad year – HuffPo

Jack Nicholson’s son sort of looks like what you’d get if you mixed Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson in morphing software – Popsugar

Maria Sharapova failed a drug test. Me too! – Just Jared

Kimmy Gibbler is totally going to whoop Miley Cyrus’ hillbilly trick ass for this – IDLYITW 

Pic: V Magazine

Former ESPN reporter and current Dancing with the Has-Beens co-host Erin Andrews was awarded a settlement of around $55 million in damages for the peephole video that a creepy gross stalker took of her at a Marriott in Nashville in 2008. NBC News says it took a jury almost 8 hours to decide that the damages should be split up, almost equally, between the creepy gross stalker and the franchise owner of the Nashville Marriott. Erin Andrews was asking for $75 million. The jury declared that Erin’s creepy gross stalker Michael David Barrett should have to pay about $28 million and the franchise owner should cough up about $26 million.

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There’s a sequence of words I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d ever write. Variety says that Whoopi Goldberg – whose “You need to fire your agent, girl” look in the picture above says it all – and the painful urination sensation known as Charlie Sheen have been cast in a movie about 9/11 called (wait for it) Nine Eleven. It will be directed by Martin Guigui and begins filming on Monday in Long Beach, CA. Because nothing says New York City like Long Beach.

According to Variety, Nine Eleven is about five people trapped in an elevator in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Not much is known about Whoopi and Charlie’s characters, like whether or not Charlie’s character will believe the government is behind it all. But we do know they’ll be stuck in an elevator along with Luis Guzman (aka Maurice from Boogie Nights), Wood Harris (aka Avon from The Wire), and Olga Fonda (aka Nadia from The Vampire Diaries).

Obviously Whoopi + Charlie Sheen + 9/11 Movie sounds like the formula for the kind of mess that will sweep every category of the Razzies. But who knows? Maybe it won’t be that bad. I will say that there’s a very good chance the performances from Luis, Wood, and Olga will go down in history as some of the most-convincing acting seen this decade. Imagine showing up to work every day and remembering you’re in a movie about September 11th starring Whoopi and Charlie Sheen? I doubt you’d have to act very hard to make people believe you when your character says stuff like “This is a nightmare!” and “Get me out of here!”

Pics: Wenn.com

That pounding sound you hear is a Maury producer frantically calling Mindy Mann to get her on a very special Paternity Test Results: Celebrity-ish Edition episode.

UsWeekly says that Mindy Mann, the nanny who fucked on Gavin Rossdale while he was still married to Gwen Stefani, has a baby growing in her body. Mindy’s sister threw up a picture on Instagram of her holding her fetus dome area while covering her face with an “It’s A Boy!” giraffe balloon. Someone left a comment on that Instagram post where they congratulated Mindy’s current dude, snowboard instructor Spencer Gutcheon (Gutcheon sounds like a really painful sex act), and said that he’s going to make a good dad. But bless The Daily Mail for trying to take this into ESCANDALOSO territory.

They posted a video of Mindy Mann leaving a Dollar Tree and keeping her lips shut as a pap congratulated her ass. The Mail also claims that she continued to keep her lips shut when the pap asked her who the father of her unborn baby is. Of course, Gwen Stefani pinked-slipped Mindy after that tattle-tale bitch iCloud called out her affair with Gavin. But even after Mindy got put on the curb, she and Gavin kept in touch. The Daily Mail posted pictures of Mindy and someone else having lunch with Gavin last week. Also, last December, Gavin’s Range Rover was seen in the parking lot of the nursery where Mindy works.

That Gutcheon dude is probably the baby father, but well….Gavin’s dick batter has been known to make at least one secret love child that we know of. But I guess we’ll know that Gavin IS the father when he tries to get more money out of Gwen to pay child support and when Mindy Mann takes her Single White Female act to the next level by naming her first son Montego Bay.

Here’s the greasy nanny fucker wearing an amazing disguise while leaving a Trader Joe’s with the new nanny and his sons.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash