Tennis champion Maria Sharapova, who I just learned yesterday is not the same person as Anna Kournikova (yes, all blond female Russian tennis players look the same to me), held a serious press conference where she admitted that she got a huge F on a drug test after a banned drug called “meldonium” was found in her system. Maria says that she’s been on that shit, which is legal, since 2006 after a family doctor recommended she take it for a magnesium deficiency. This past January, the World Anti-Doping Agency officially added meldonium (also known as mildronate) to their banned list, because they had evidence that some athletes were using it as a performance enhancing drug. Several athletes have already gotten into trouble from taking it. In January, WADA sent out an email saying what drugs were added to the banned list for 2016. I guess one of meldonium’s side effects is “screws with your ability to read emails,” because Maria admitted to getting the email, but she didn’t read it.

Maria failed the drug test on the same day she lost to Serena Williams at the Australian Open. The International Tennis Federation announced that she’s been provisionally suspended from competing, starting on March 12. They’re going to investigate her ass and if they determine that she took the drug as a performance enhancement, she could get hit with a 4 year ban. Maria getting temporarily suspended is, of course, messing with her money. Maria is one of the highest-earning female athletes and Fortune says she made $23 million from endorsements alone in 2015. Serena, who has more championships, reportedly earned $13 million from endorsements. Several of the brands Maria has deals with have already pressed the pause button on their relationship with her.

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Padma Lakshmi, seen above looking all pregnant seven years ago, is currently hustling her new memoir, Love, Loss and What We Ate. We already know that Padma’s book contains a garden center’s worth of dirt about her messy relationship with her ex-husband Salman Rushdie. And now we know that she also gets into the “Who’s The Daddy?” drama surrounding her pregnancy.

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The Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases cast was announced this morning, which means it’s that time when our heads barf up a stream of questions marks while reading the names of the bright shining A-listers who will bust out a lukewarm mambo for a check. ABC already announced that next season’s cast includes Ginger Zee  (which sounds like the name of my second favorite malt liquor of the 90s) of Good Morning America, topless selfie adonis Geraldo Rivera, Donald Trump’s second trophy wife Marla Maples and Stephanie Tanner (born name: Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin) who is seen above with a new face courtesy of Photoshop. ABC announced the rest of the cast today and they also confirmed that Mischa Barton can finally pay her car note, because bitch is finally getting a check!

Compared to past seasons, the season 22 cast of DWTS is like the goddamn Oscars to me. I recognized most of the names. My brain activated the “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck” switch only 3 times and they were all sports people. That maaaaay be a record. Let’s see how you do:

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“Why? Did someone lose her prerecorded vocal tracks?” hissed #1 Janet Jackson fan, Elton John.

So, I think it’s safe to say that Janet Jackson’s Unbreakable world tour is officially broken (I deserve all the groans for that one). Back in December, Miss Jacksonifyanasty had to postpone a whole bunch of U.S. dates so she could undergo a mysterious surgical procedure. Some people, like Radar, were whispering that it was to remove a maybe-cancerous tumor from her vocal cords, but Janet denied it. Well, get ready to hear those tumor rumors once again, because Janet has postponed more shows.

According to The Daily Mail, all of Janet’s European dates have been postponed. Janet’s Unbreakable tour was set to start in the UK at the end of March, but due to “scheduling difficulties“, that’s not happening. And it sounds like it might never happen; Ticketmaster says event organizers can’t confirm new dates, so everyone is getting a refund.

Janet hasn’t said anything about this. As of Saturday, she was still planning on performing at the Dubai World Cup on March 26. She also made an appearance at a fashion show in Paris on Saturday, so I have no idea what’s going on.

We’ll probably never know the real reason why Janet is postponing so many performances, because she’s private like that. But postponing all those shows seems a little drastic. Couldn’t they have just padded the hell out of each show with some special guest talent, a la Taylor Swift? I’d gladly pay double if there was a chance Janet would “Please welcome to the stage” Paula Abdul and La Toya Jackson.

Pic: Splash

As her black sheep brother got all the attention on Instagram the other night, Pimp Mama Kris’ former #1 ho Kim Kartrashian was feeling lonely and unloved in the corner, so she tried to get attention by posting an old picture of her looking thirsty and Photoshopped. You know, like we’ve never seen her before and by “like we’ve never seen her before,” I mean “like we’ve seen her a zillion times.” Kim’s fame whore energy bars filled up, just like she wanted, because she got a lot of attention including some from international treasure Bette Midler who piped in because she knows all about trash.

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In this world, nothing is certain except death and oh wait, I have to do my taxes! – daisy100

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Wait, I have to clear my browser history! – BellaJ

Pic: Getty