Detective La Toya Who? Courtney Love Solved The Case Of The Missing Malaysian Plane

March 17, 2014 / Posted by:

I posted this on Dlisted’s FB page, but I’m throwing it up here too, because it’s too important not to. Call off the search and stop with your “viral marketing for 10th anniversary of Lost” theories, because Detective Courtney Love has cracked (emphasis on “crack“) the case! When Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 first went missing, Courtney Love locked herself up in a blacked out room and while wearing a torn up communion dress she bought for $5,000 at a vintage store, she went through hundreds upon hundreds of satellite pictures of the ocean on her laptop as her assistant gave her a crushed Adderall and Red Bull enema to keep her awake. Courtney had a job to do!

Dear CNN, quit your job, because this is what investigative journalism really looks like! Detective Courtney, who is also a proud graduate of Perez Hilton’s Community College of MS Paint, shared her findings on Facebook.

I’m no expert but up close this does look like a plane and an oil slick. … prayers go out to the families #MH370 and its like a mile away Pulau Perak, where they “last” tracked it 5°39’08.5″N 98°50’38.0″E but what do I know?

I know, I don’t really see anything either. I mean, I sort of see Ariel and Flounder swimming by, but that’s it. But maybe if I snort enough coke to kill 10 herds of elephants and fill my ear holes with 3 gallons of vodka I’ll see what Courtney sees.

With all that being said, I’m sure Courtney solved it and I can’t wait for the Malaysian government to thank her for solving the mystery. And I also can’t wait to see Detective Courtney Love and Detective La Toya in the second season of True Detective. True Detective’s second season is only going to be one episode long, because Detective Courtney and Detective La Toya will solve the case that fast.

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