Earlier I posted pieces from an interview that the 22-year-old out and proud star of The Real O’Neals did with Vulture, and I was about to start the stopwatch on my iPhone to see how long before ABC’s PR team and Bryan Singer’s lawyers got to him and made him spit out apologies. Not even a day.

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The other day I wrote about the mammal lounging on top of Billy Ray Cyrus’ dome, and I wondered if it sprouted from his own head or if he pulled it off of a shelf at a wig store in North Hollywood somewhere. After looking at these retina-burning pictures of Miley’s pawpaw at the CMT Music Awards in Nashville last night, it’s obvious that his hair is completely organic and he grew it himself, because no machine could ever create such a grand work of art! Sure, Billy Ray probably ran away from lit lighters and candles all night, but that’s not because he was wearing a highly flammable hairspray-covered rayon wig. But because the clouds of beauty wafting off of his hair are highly flammable and if they got close to a flame the entire joint would combust. That’s why.

But really, Billy Ray has taken his achy breaky beauty game to another level. That thing on his head looks like what Joyce DeWitt’s hair would look like if she discovered Bump-Its. It looks like butch Peg Bundy. It also looks like the wig an actress would wear if she was playing a wise-cracking, sassy 1960s waitress in a sitcom that shot in the 1980s. In other words, it is perfect. That beehive mullet is a party in the front AND a party in the back.

I know that only Billy Ray’s 8th world wonder wig matters, but I threw in pictures of Nicole Kidman and Oompa Loompa Keith too.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

In “Truly Weird Childhoods” news, Kate Mulgrew, aka Red from Orange is the New Black or Cpt. Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager, tells us about little Kate Mulgrew. Little Kate Mulgrew has lived through some shit.

During an interview with ITV’s Lorraine (via UsWeekly), Kate talked about her memoirs that were released last year called Born With Teeth. That title is no metaphor. Kate admitted that when she popped out of her mom, she was born with a mouthful of teeth. I always thought a newborn’s surprise special features and no-cost upgrades were limited to a few extra toes or a full head of hair, but no. Apparently infants can be born with a condition called “neonatal teeth.” Kate says she was one of those babies.

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I’ve always thought that if you’re going to burn bridges, cover that shit in gallons of gasoline, light that bitch up with a grenade, and after they’re all burned down, piss on the ashes while laughing. It seems like Noah Galvin, the star of the ABC show The Real O’Neals, agrees with me, because during an interview with Vulture, dude sharpened his shank, went in, cleaned it off with a towel, sharpened it a second time and went in again. Noah lined up Colton Haynes, Bryan Singer, some unnamed guest actor on his show, Eric Stonestreet and more and read them until his finger tips got sore from turning the pages. This interview is very “gay Katherine Heigl on steroids.” He let us KNOW!

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“Really? Me? As a Persian man? We think this is a good idea?” is what it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is thinking in that picture above.

Because Hollywood clearly hasn’t learned anything from that time they cast Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily , or Rooney Mara as Mary Magdalene, or Joaquin Phoenix as Jesus, or Emma Stone was cast as Allison Ng, or Tilda Swinton as The Ancient One, Leonardo DiCaprio is being considered to play Persian poet Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi (or simply Rumi) in an upcoming biopic. Yes, that Leonardo DiCaprio. The one you’re looking at above.

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Two years ago, big-boobed model Kate Upton said that her ass deserved some attention. Sadly, it’s nearly impossible to get people to pay attention to your moderately-sized ass when you’ve got the IMAX-sized asses of the Kalabasas Butt Kweens to compete with. Kate was clearly tired of waiting for people to lose interest in that double-stuffed sideshow and start paying attention to her ass. So last night she took matters into her own hands. Kate crammed herself into a bodysuit thong and slipped into some sheer star-spangled dress, and by god, she got her ass some attention. Congratulations, Kate!

Kate Upton doesn’t turn 24 until tomorrow, but she got a head start and celebrated her birthday last night in New York with her baseball player fiancé Justin Verlander. Either Kate had a couple birthday drinks in the Uber on the way over to the bar or she’s just feeling that cool breeze on her ass, but she looks like she’s having a great time. Which is insane to me, because her ass is probably all kinds of uncomfortable. As anyone who has ever worn a bodysuit knows, there are many snaps down there. And since she’s wearing a thong bodysuit, I can only imagine the dark, cramped crevices those snaps have found themselves trapped in. It must be like The Descent down there for them.

Not to mention that all that glitter and bedazzling on her dress looks scratchy and prickly as hell. No wonder she ended up with a hole right near her hole. If that was me, the ass of my dress would be covered in holes from me trying to pick random sequins and studs out of my crack.

Here’s more of Kate and Kate’s ass arriving at her birthday party last night, as well as Nick Jonas and Bella Hadid.

Pics: Splash