The Baby Brother Tommy doll that was possessed by a Summer’s Eve bottle learned a really, really important lesson in Cleveland last night. Bitch learned that he should never try to fight a trick unless he’s got several of his big bad bodyguards around to do the beating for him, because he has the fighting skills of a Furby with a half-dead battery in it. The first rule of Toddler Fight Club for Justin Bieber is to not do the fighting himself, because it doesn’t end well.

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When it was first reported back in March that Maria Sharapova had failed a drug test, her three biggest sponsors – Nike, Porsche, and Tag Heuer – all suspended their contracts. They didn’t de-friend her on Facebook, so to speak, but they did send her a message that said “Hey! Let’s hang out after your doping investigation is over!” They wanted to see how this whole banned substance situation panned out before they made any permanent decisions.

Yesterday, the International Tennis Federation announced that they have hit her with a two-year ban after an independent panel agreed that she should be held responsible for taking meldonium, a drug that was put on the banned list last year. Nike is apparently a loyal bitch when they want to be, because even though Maria isn’t allowed to play for two years, CNN says they’re not dropping her. Nike released this statement regarding their relationship with Maria:

“Maria has always made her position clear, has apologized for her mistake and is now appealing the length of the ban. Based on the decision of the ITF and their factual findings, we hope to see Maria back on court and will continue to partner with her.”

Maria has been sponsored by Nike since she was 11 years old (she’s 29 now). Her current contract with Nike is worth a reported $70 million over eight years. Maria used to be the biggest-earning female athlete in the world, but that title now belongs to Serena Williams.

As for her pals at Porsche and Tag Heuer, well…they’re not exactly as ride-or-die as Nike. Tag Heuer says they’re “not in a hurry anymore to sign a new contract today or this month.” Porsche is waiting to see what happens when Maria appeals the two-year ban, adding that they will “continue to keep all activities with her on hold until the final judgment has been reached.”

There is one sponsor that never left Maria’s side through all of this, and that’s tennis company Head. Head said back in March that they would be sticking by Maria, despite testing positive for a banned substance, and they’re still sticking around after she got a two-year ban. That’s good. If RuPaul has taught me anything, it’s that there’s only one answer to the question: “How’s your head?” and it’s not: “Well, they’re not sending me free shit anymore.”

Pic: Splash

Oh yeah, Juliet Angus from Ladies of London and Kourtney Kartrashian were there too…

Kitson may be dead and buried under a mountain of moth-eaten Team Aniston t-shirts and Von Dutch trucker hats, but the fame whore, coked-up star power of Courtenay Semel and Lindsay Lohan continues to live on! LiLo has been so out of the game that you may have to Google them both, you dumb fuck!

LiLo is still living in London with her latest mark, that Russian Home Depot (or something) heir, and last night at some private members club called LouLou’s, she partied with her friend Juliet, The Slow One and her one-time partner in pussy Nay Nay Semel. I know the story (for lack of a better word) is supposed to be that the freckled bag of delusion hung out with Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest-ranking ho, but it’s not to me. The real story is that LiLo and Nay Nay reunited! I’m sure they spent the entire night mouth shitting out memories of the golden days like how they once switched Brandon Davis’ bag of coke with powder laxatives mixed with crushed-up NoDoz and how LiLo once dropped a deuce in the Les Deux bathroom and blamed it on Parasite Hilton. Meanwhile, the most boring Kartrashian (and that’s saying a lot) sat there with her mouth open and her eyes set to “dead.” She probably only woke up once from screensaver mode to say, “Youuuuuuuuu…. guuuuuuuuuuuuyz….. are…… talking to….. fast…. I….. want…… organic…. yo….. gurt.”

And if you’re not too busy re-organizing your MySpace Top 8, look at these pictures of LiLo wearing a Circus Circus cocktail uniform while leaving that club with Nay Nay! (Just ignore the Kartrashian.)

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Instagram

Alleged ghost-humper Bobby Brown has written a memoir called Every Little Step, and thanks to a recent interview with 20/20 and some people getting their hands on a copy before its release, we’ve learned a lot, mostly about Whitney Houston.

Bobby claims several things about Whitney like the first time he saw her do coke was on their wedding day, he isn’t the reason she got hooked on drugs, they used to do drugs in the house, he hit her once and she was in a long-term relationship with her assistant Robyn Crawford. Well, Whitney’s mama Cissy Houston isn’t happy that Bobby’s memoir reads like a tacky tell-all about Whitney’s messy life and she’s calling him out.

Cissy has proven many times that she has a very low tolerance for Bobby B’s fuckery (or just fuckery in general, really). So it’s not exactly a surprise that she would swat at Bobby in a statement she gave to People. Especially since Whitney isn’t alive to respond to any of Bobby’s claims and their daughter Bobbi Kristina isn’t alive to help provide the receipts. Cissy’s full read of Bobby is after the cut.

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Yikes, that’s just the pre-cum. Local flooding imminent. – watagump1.

Upvote winner:

Never take a big dick for granite. – Shadeball

Pic: Tosh.0

Frookie!

The 80s seemed to be all about diet fads and diet this and diet that, and when we got into the 90s, everything became about health and more health. It was like that in my mom’s house anyway, and it’s still like that, which is why she throws me a, “Why don’t you just eat a deep fried cancerous tumor stuffed with heroin?” look every time I stroll in with a McDonald’s bag.

My mom started to healthy-ize our kitchen cabinets and refrigerator in the late 80s, so everything became whole wheat 18 grains and seeds bread, nonfat milk, carob bars, carrot sticks instead of chips and Grape Nuts (which I sweetened up myself with maple syrup and cinnamon. I know, no wonder I snort lines of processed sugar every time I think of my childhood!!!!). We only got candy, cake and ice cream as a special treat, so fruit (and whole wheat cinnamon toast we made ourselves) was pretty much our dessert. I don’t think I ever had a Frookie, which surprises me, because it’s something my mom would’ve been all about. Either they didn’t carry it at her Stater Bros. or that shit was too expensive, or both!

Frookie was a line of cookies that came out before SnackWell’s in the early 90s. They were called “Frookie” because they were fruity cookies. (“Frookie” also sounds like a cutesy nickname that a chick would call her coochie.) They were like Mother Nature’s butt nuggets, because they were all-natural and were sweetened with fruit juice instead of white sugar. There’s a billion cookies like that today, but back then, Frookie tried to hit the mainstream. This article in New Hope says that people bought Frookies at first, but sales eventually hit the shit can and they were gone by 1997.

I’ve been trying to put healthier things in my mouth for the past few years (HAHAHAHA), so I’d totally eat a Frookie now. Yes, I’d take one bite and immediately dip it in Hershey’s syrup and roll it in sugar and churro bits, but I’d still eat it. And if Frookie was still around today, Fred Durst could make some money by doing it’s new jingle: “I did it all for the Frookie.”

Pic: Flickr