Paul Sheldon had Annie Wilkes. Wayne Campbell had Crazy Stacy. Beyonce has the Beyhive. Gwake, the unholy portmanteau used to represent the so-real relationship of Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, also has an obsessed super fan. No, it’s not any of the people who are maybe being paid to gush about them on social media. According to Gwen Stefani, it’s Gwen Stefani. Oh Gwen; still allergic to subtlety, I see.

During an event on Tuesday, UsWeekly asked Gwen about her relationship with croonin’ giant Blake Shelton and she said:

“I’m our biggest fan! I actually feel like I’m not in my own life, because I’m not. I’m in a different life all of a sudden. I’m so blessed and I feel like I believe in my path. Now there’s all these miracles around me!”

Sadly, Blake was unable to be reached for comment regarding whether or not he felt the same way about their relationship, as he was too busy dragging a random woman on Twitter.

Gwen claims to be Gwake’s most hardcore stan, but I’m not so sure. The last time we checked in on Gwen and Blake’s relationship, she was allegedly turning down his marriage proposal. That doesn’t sounds like something a self-professed “biggest fan” would do. The biggest fan would have said yes, immediately changed their Twitter name to TheFutureMrsGwakeShelton, then gotten a backwards tattoo of Blake’s proposal across her titties so she could re-read the reflection of it every morning in the bathroom mirror while brushing her teeth with a toothbrush made of Blake’s hair. Gwen, I’m starting to question your commitment to this fandom.

As you can see from these pictures of Gwen with her kids last Sunday, she’s not wearing a single article of clothing with Blake’s face on it. Gwen, come on. At least use some of that black hair dye to spell out BLAKE in your ponytail next time.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Yesterday, we were gifted with a schadenfreude-filled video of Justin Bieber flexing like the hardest toddler at the indoor playground while attempting to fight a stranger in Cleveland after game 3 of the NBA Finals on Wednesday night. The circumstances of the fight were all kinds of vague; all we really knew was that Justin went for a dude three times his size and got laid the fuck out. Well, the dude who whooped his ass has spoken about the situation and has filled in the blanks for us.

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The bartender told me a Wild Turkey would help me get over the fear of flying. – 38chrysler

Upvote winner:

What do you mean I’m on the no fly list?! – Jedeva

Pic: Reddit

Daniel Provencio, the American hero who wasn’t going to let anything, even President Obama, get in the way of getting dick!

President Obama was in NYC on Wednesday, and so some of the streets were closed and roadblocks were set up for his motorcade to drive on through. Daniel Provencio was riding along on a Citi Bike and apparently, he only had his eyes on the prize (MAN ASS!) and didn’t really notice that the street was blocked off for Obama. But he found out the hard way when the NYPD tackled his ass to the ground, handcuffed him and brought him in for questioning. Here’s the video of the cops taking down a massive threat on a Citi Bike!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1AdLWFMiG4

59-year-old Daniel tells TMZ that he wasn’t trying to hurt POTUS, he was just trying to get with a hot piece. While listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” on his headphones, Daniel was making his way to meet up with a blind date he met on one of the dating sites when the cops ruined his night by taking him down. After they talked to him for a while, he was hit with a summons, and not because he tried to bust through the barricade, but because he was listening to “Call Me Maybe.” No, he got the summons for disorderly conduct.

The saddest part of this story is that the cops kept Daniel for so long that his date was over it and didn’t want to meet anymore. Daniel put it like this: “Manhattan men are huge on punctuality.”

Maybe “most” Manhattan men are huge on punctuality, but I lived in Manhattan once and I fully embraced late peen, early peen, any kind of peen. My motto has always been: “Better late dick than no dick.”

But really, POTUS cockblocking someone is the ultimate “Thanks, Obama!” Daniel shouldn’t be the one with a summons. POTUS and the NYPD should be the ones holding a summons! The 28th amendment on the constitution clearly states that the government cannot get in the way of us getting dating app dick no matter what!

Pic: Facebook

Prince Philip (95)
Kate Upton (24)
Tristin Mays (26)
Nick Adams (33)
Leelee Sobieski (33)
Princess Madeleine of Sweden (34)
Elyse Sewell (34)
Tara Lipinski (34)
Jonathan Bennett (35)
Hoku (35)
DJ Qualls (38)
Shane West (38)
Benjamin Millepied (39)
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Faith Evans (43)
Joel “JoJo” Hailey (45)
Bill Burr (48)
The Long Island Medium (50)
Elizabeth Hurley (51)
Kate Flannery (52)
Vincent Perez (52)
Jeanne Tripplehorn (53)
Tony Ward (53)
Gina Gershon (54)
Carolyn Hennesy (54)
Kim Deal (55)
Kelley Deal (55)
Maxi Priest (55)
Eliot Spitzer (57)
John Edwards (63)
Shirley Alston Reeves of The Shirelles (75)
Judy Garland (1922-1969)

Pic: Getty

Sam Hunt, that country star who makes everyone shoot out a geyser of crotch cream, went to the CMT Music Awards dressed like a frat douche going to play golf with his rich dad on a Sunday afternoon. And yes, I would – Lainey Gossip

In case you were wondering, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s divorce is still happening. It’s just set to “no rush” – Celebitchy

Cindy Crawford is giving you 60s fembot dominatrix in some magazine – Drunken Stepfather

This has to be one of the weirdest and most disturbing outfits I’ve ever seen Lady Gaga wear, and that’s because it’s 100% normal – The Nip Slip 

In this movie Ariel Winter is doing with Burt Reynolds, she’s either playing a day-shift lot lizard or a chick who dresses like she’s going to Coachella every single day – The Superficial 

Someone gave Yolanda FosterHadidWhatever a lifetime achievement award for talking about having Lyme disease – Reality Tea 

Poke at me when the all-female Ocean’s 11 adds Phoebe Price, Bai Ling and La Toya Jackson to the cast – Jezebel

Add Queen to the never-ending list of bands who want nothing to do with Jabba the Trump’s campaign – Towleroad

From the department of “Has It Really Come To This?”: The paparazzi are taking pictures of Tyga’s rumored piece – Popoholic

It looks like Maria Sharapova is training to become the #1 player in the beach paddle ball circuit. Take that, International Tennis Federation! – Hollywood Tuna 

When Obama met Madge – Boy Culture

Okay, I guess Nick Jonas can now say that he’s hooked up with two dudes in his life – OMG Blog

I am ready to binge-watch Winona Ryder’s Netflix show, but please tell me she’s saying, “Did you suck his cock?“, in that screen shot – Pajiba

Beyonce sneezed. It was news – HuffPo

Rob Lowe is getting roasted – SOW 

Jeremy Jordan’s cousin left that “pray the gay away” camp – Just Jared

Portia de Rossi used to have such impeccable taste in fashion and hairstyles. What happened?! – Popsugar

And it’s your last chance to make the biggest decision of your life: choose May’s Hot Slut Of The Month! 

Pic: Wenn.com