Once the CIA finishes their investigation into the shady Russia stuff, can they please open up an investigation into the cyber attack I suffered through when someone sent me this hurtful video. This video caused pain to my eyeballs, my nostrils (because I inhaled a large cloud of bullshit fumes) and my throat (from heaving).
Rob & Chyna was renewed by E! for a second season, because Chyna hasn’t really fulfilled her oath to Pimp Mama Kris until she’s delivered a sex tape, a wedding, another spawn or two, a divorce and some kind of medical drama that can be milked for at least 10 episodes. Rob and Chyna celebrated the renewal of their shit show by Snapchatting themselves sucking each other’s faces as it rained money on them. It’s like an ultra romantic version of the kissing in the rain scene from The Notebook…
Two years ago, big-boobed model Kate Upton said that her ass deserved some attention. Sadly, it’s nearly impossible to get people to pay attention to your moderately-sized ass when you’ve got the IMAX-sized asses of the Kalabasas Butt Kweens to compete with. Kate was clearly tired of waiting for people to lose interest in that double-stuffed sideshow and start paying attention to her ass. So last night she took matters into her own hands. Kate crammed herself into a bodysuit thong and slipped into some sheer star-spangled dress, and by god, she got her ass some attention. Congratulations, Kate!
Kate Upton doesn’t turn 24 until tomorrow, but she got a head start and celebrated her birthday last night in New York with her baseball player fiancé Justin Verlander. Either Kate had a couple birthday drinks in the Uber on the way over to the bar or she’s just feeling that cool breeze on her ass, but she looks like she’s having a great time. Which is insane to me, because her ass is probably all kinds of uncomfortable. As anyone who has ever worn a bodysuit knows, there are many snaps down there. And since she’s wearing a thong bodysuit, I can only imagine the dark, cramped crevices those snaps have found themselves trapped in. It must be like The Descent down there for them.
Not to mention that all that glitter and bedazzling on her dress looks scratchy and prickly as hell. No wonder she ended up with a hole right near her hole. If that was me, the ass of my dress would be covered in holes from me trying to pick random sequins and studs out of my crack.
Here’s more of Kate and Kate’s ass arriving at her birthday party last night, as well as Nick Jonas and Bella Hadid.
Those Carter boys are such romantics, you know? First Aaron Carter tries to woo back the long-lost love of his life Hilary Duff by penning some cracked out love poems on Twitter, and now we have his older brother Nick Carter grabbing a handful of his wife’s ass and making fuck faces at the premiere of the documentary Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night. If Cupid ever decides to retire, I think I know two blond angels who could take his place.
Because documentaries are the classiest type of film, Paris Hilton’s former crab wrangler decided to pull out all the stops when walking the red carpet with his wife of nine months Lauren Kitt and give her a truly classy red carpet experience. Nick grabbed her ass. Nick mouth fucked her face. Nick was a walking backsreet boner who made everyone in attendance realize that maybe Aaron isn’t the messiest Carter brother.
Meanwhile, his wife Lauren – who looks like she was assembled using old Kim Kardashian parts from 2009 – stood there with the sort of vacant look in her eyes that says “Eh, could be worse – at least I’m not getting dry humped by a dude from O-Town.”
Here’s more of the coupon book version of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at the premiere of Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night in Los Angeles, as well as all the other Backstreet Boys:
Chelsea Handler isn’t the kind of bitch to miss out on an opportunity to show her ass (and I mean that in more ways than one), so she used that cover of Paper Magazine (or as you call it, The Cover That Your Motherfucking Not Right Ass Won’t Stop Hitting My Eyes With) as an excuse to Instagram a selfie of her nalgas. Chelsea continued to fight for her right to show her nakedness on Instagram and posted a picture of the ass that Jennifer Aniston does tequila shots off of when they’re partying in Cabo. Chelsea also let everyone know that her ass is all-natural and hasn’t been touched by a Photoshop tool or a jumbo syringe full of clear soil jelly. It truly is National Make An Ass Out Of Yourself Day.
Can you believe more than 2 ass can fit on the same screen? Guess which one’s real. Your move, instagram.
Chelsea slapped at Instagram, because when she posted a picture of her bare tits next to Putin’s bare tits, they took it down three times. Chelsea queefed up the picture of her nipples again today and asked Instagram why it’s okay for a certain fame whore to post her naked body, but it’s not okay for her to do it.
Just so I’m clear, Instagram…it’s ok to use nudity to sexualize yourself on your site, but not to make a joke? I’m just so confused.
Chelsea probably secretly wishes that Instagram will keep taking her pictures down so she can rebel against them by showing us more of her naked ass body, but I’m all for her #FREETHECRACK campaign if she gets hos whose asses I actually want to see to join the fight with her. I’m talking to you, Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba, Carrot Top, ASkars and literally anybody besides Kummy Kakes and Chelsea.
I don’t know who I feel more sorry for in this picture: Tony Bennett, who looks so confused as to why he’s being escorted around by a low-budget Cher, or that security guard who is doing everything in his power not to look at Lady Gaag’s busted titty shields. Nope, never mind – the person I feel most sorry for is the one made out of embroidery thread on the cross-stitch being handed to Gaag. That poor stitched person! You’re either going to end up hanging on a wall in Gaag’s house or being turned into a janky-ass art thong. I pray 4 u, cross-stitch.
Now, I’m not sure if the jazz album Lady Gaag and Tony Bennett made together, Cheek to Cheek, has a theme, but if this picture of the two of them leaving a concert in Belgium on Monday night is any indication, I’d guess that the theme is either “A older gentleman makes the mistake of ordering a hooker from the back of a weekly newspaper he found at the bus station” or “The lady is a tramp…literally“, because Lady Gaag looks like a damn discount call girl MESS!
Okay, sure – she’s at least upgraded her wig to something that doesn’t look like it was fished from the bottom of a trash can at the mall, and yes her makeup is on point (real talk), but what even is that dress??? I don’t even think what she’s wearing can technically be called a dress; it looks more like an organza table runner ripped from Aunt Sandy’s You Can’t Spell Funeral Without F-U-N! tablescape held up with two rubber bands. No to mention the only thing worse than flashing a titty is flashing a set of flying saucer-sized nipple covers. They’re literally the same size as the stickers I used to get at the dentist for having zero cavities.
But I can’t hate on that Mom Thong (“Mom Thongs – Thongs For Moms”) she’s wearing. Everything feels just a little bit classier when a pair of Sears satin-style no-line tummy-tamers make an appearance.
“What I really want is a music video that can easily be mistaken for a no-budget phone sex commercial that only played on public access in 1994” is what I’m guessing JLo told Hype Williams during their pitch meeting for this mess.
Because JLo and Iggy Azalea aren’t going to let Nicki Minaj be the only trick filling our faces with a whole lot of ASS like our name is Drake, their video for “Booty” is pretty much all booty. About three seconds into this proctologist’s dream, JLo bumps her 45-year-old ass up against Iggy Azalea’s 5-year-old pure silicone butt implants. You know JLo farted on Iggy’s ass and then rubbed it in at least once. The rest of the video is a seizure inducer and I’m expecting many straight dudes to file a lawsuit against JLo because they tore some of their dick tissue while having a seizure as they tried to jack off to this.
Here’s the entire video which shows you what you get when you mix together a $3 budget, a dirty American Apparel swimsuit, a tub of Crystal Gravy, a strobe light, a wad of chewed gum and Iggy Azalea looking like the buzz she got from the booze and pills she swallowed to get through this mess is starting to wear off.
That is the longest lip balm commercial I’ve ever seen. Since this video is for a song called BOOTY, I thought JLo was going to spread that EOS lip chap on another set of lips. I expected her to add another layer of class to this video by spreading her ass cheeks before smearing that EOS all over her b-hole lips. Hype Williams missed an opportunity. If you’re going to do product placement, do produce placement right.
Here’s Iggy in London today wearing a jacket with sleeves that look like rotten pieces of Brach’s Neapolitan Coconut Sundaes.