Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)
On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?
Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.
And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.
Lainey had a blind item last year about a popular, adorable actor who had a relationship with an ultra-dramatic, Emo-like actor, and after they broke up the Emo-like actor went crazy and threatened to expose them both. GAY DRAMA! I’d like to think it was about Don Rickles and Jack Nicholson, but everyone else thought it was about Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Michael Pitt. We’ll never ever ever know and we’ll all close our eyes for the last time without knowing if Joseph Gordon-Levitt loves peen, poon or both.
During an interview with Out Magazine to promote his movie Don Jon and his 10-year-old anti-pap short film Pictures of Assholes, JGL said he’s not going to say if he’s gay, straight or bi, because that would be trashy.
“That would be really tacky—they would win if I had to clarify.”
The “they” he’s talking about isn’t the terrorists. He’s talking about the media and the paparazzi. JGL went on to talk about how he learned from the very beginning of his career to be protective of his privacy:
“It comes from a really young age,” he concedes. “It can be really awkward and difficult to be thought of as this thing on TV. Before understanding it or being able to analyze it, I just knew it made me really anxious.” Regularly recognized in his teens as “that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun,” his reflexive response was denial. “I wouldn’t just say ‘No,’ ” he recalls. “I was way more convincing than that. I would first act confused, and then I would try to understand what they were saying. I would play the part.”
I don’t think I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets hard for coochie, cock or both and that’s surprising since I spend a lot of time wondering if EVERYBODY gets hard for coochie, cock or both. But now I’m going to overanalyze and study that picture of him clutching onto a pussy with a protective/angry look on his face. What does it mean?
Well, it was bound to happen, but today is the day when we’re all staring in unison at the Dick Solomon in Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s silky shorts. Congratulations to us all! Who knew that JGL looks hot even when he’s making a constipation face. You’re monitor is probably covered with a thin layer of self-tanner grease and AXE hair gel, and that’s because in his new movie Don Jon, JGL plays a Jersey dude who is obsessed with chasing tricks, pumping iron and fapping to porn. It’s almost like The Situation’s life story. If there’s a scene in JGL’s movie where his character has butt sex with a Jacuzzi jet, The Situation is totally going to sue him for not paying for the rights to his life story.
Don Jon, which was directed by JGL and also stars ScarJo, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore, is currently screening at SXSW. JGL says his movie is “a comedy about how men and women treat each other, and how the media we consume can create unrealistic expectations that we put on one another. That’s why the story centers around a relationship between a young man (played by me) who watches too much pornography and a young woman (played by Scarlett) who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies. It’s a topic I personally find fascinating and hilarious.”
Blah blah blah blah…. Doesn’t JGL know that you don’t sell a movie by yammering on and on about the plot? You sell a movie by telling us how many nude scenes, shirtless scenes and peen print scenes are in your movie. Nobody cares about the plot!
To answer my question in the headline, yes, I’d hit it and I’d hit Tony Danza too, but only if they kept their guido looks. And since JGL is a director now, maybe he can make my wet dreams come true by directing (and starring in) a gay porn parody of 3rd Rock from the Sun called 3rd Cock from my Buns.
In case you missed Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s chicken cordon bleu man titties flopping up and down, here he is impregnating the floor during his Ode to Magic Mike performance on SNL last night. I know JGL has been grown for a long time now, but it still surprises me that that he no longer has the body of a skinny ass 10-year-old boy (or like Parasite Hilton) and that his luscious chichis have grown in. Getting the tingles from watching JGL butt fuck the air made me realize that I’d probably also get the tingles from watching an evil spirit being passed into the body of a terrified chicken during an exorcism ritual, because that’s what he looked like.
With that being said, I’d still hit it even though when I saw GIFs of this early this morning I thought it was Billy Bush.
And click here for a better version that doesn’t make you feel like you’re looking at it through a broken View-Master.
I’m probably not going to watch Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln biopic, because if I want to learn more about old timey American history, I’ll just play another round of The Oregon Trailer on my Apple II. But if you’re going to see it, please clap during the end credits when you see the words: “All Gorgeous Wigs Furnished By Shh! It’s A Wig.” Because the Ogilvie Home Perm extravaganza on Tommy Lee Jones’ head tell me that Shh! It’s A Wig had a hand or two in it. If you put a clear plastic shower cap over his wig and threw a floral house dress on his body, he’d look like somebody’s grandma going to water the driveway in the morning. Or like he’s about to sing “I Dreamed A Dream” on Britain’s Got Talent. What I’m saying is that bitch looks hot.
The full trailer for Lincoln (Working Title: If You Don’t Give Us All The Oscars, You Hate America) is below and some people are crying about how Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t sound like Lincoln-ey enough, but I’m more mad that Bill & Ted are nowhere in the trailer and that Steven Spielberg didn’t release this a million years ago, because it’d be the perfect movie to nap to when my American History teacher plays it during class.
Lincoln pretty much stars everyone from Sally Field (who is always grabbing people by the arms to give them really a intense pep talk) to Joseph Gordon-Levitt to David Strathairn to Lee Pace to Jackie Earle Haley to Jared Harris to James Spader to Hal Holbrook to Gloria Reuben to Adam from Girls. I’m calling it right now. The scene they’ll show at the Oscars for the Best Picture clip is the scene where Adam from Girls pees on Lincoln in the communal shower.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s brother, Burning Dan, passed away in 2010 and his cause of death has never been shown to public eyes. Some gossip sites and a few major media outlets sort of kind of said that he died of a drug overdose, but that was never confirmed. Cut to today when JGL slipped off his white gloves and double slapped GQ in the face for using Kathie Lee Gifford as their research department. In their latest issue’s cover story, GQ’s writer Amy Wallace said that Burning Dan died of an “alleged drug overdose.” JGL went on Tumblr (via TMZ) today to say it made him feel “terrible” and then he set a bitch straight:
I’m writing this because I have a problem with what their article says about my brother. I’ll be honest, it really made me feel terrible. Here’s a quote:
‘…the elder Gordon-Levitt died of an alleged drug overdose in 2010. “It was an accident” is all Joe will say about that.’
Using the word “alleged” technically allows the writer to say whatever she wants. The “allegations” to which she must be referring were made by a handful of gossip websites. They are factually incorrect according to the coroner’s office and the police department. I don’t like publicly speaking about my brother’s death, but I’m making an exception to correct this irresponsible claim.
By the way, while I asked the writer not to dwell on how he died, I did say quite a bit about how he lived, and how much he means to me. Dan was a brightly positive, genuinely caring, and brilliantly inspiring person, and I liked the idea of such a wide readership learning about him. My parents and I are disappointed with what the article chose to focus on regarding this sensitive subject.
While JGL is at it, he should also ask GQ to issue him a for real sorry for that cover, because there’s only one way to describe it: DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT!
The Dark Knight Rises (aka Batman Takes A Viagra) premiere went down in NYC last night and cam whore turned action star Tom Hardy came out with his piece Charlotte Riley and a freshly manicured and groomed beard. Tom Hardy’s beard used to look like it was harvested on (NSFW) Demi Moore’s pussy, so thankfully he cut that shit on Christian Bale’s razor sharp cheek bones. Don’t get me wrong, I love a bushy face shrub that can exfoliate your thighs while polishing your labias, but his newly pruned beard really makes them dick sucking lips pop. Those lips are so luscious that he can practically give you a quick beej just by puckering at you from across the room.
So Christian Bale was also there last night, DUH, with his wife Sandra and so was Anne Hathaway. Let’s stop at Anne for a second. Anne’s Sandy Duncan ass haircut sometimes looks good and other times, like this time, it makes her look like Cesar Romero in a touring production of Peter Pan. Moving on… Also there was Marion Cotillard (as a swollen eyed swan… beware of orange eyeshadow), Cillian Murphy, the hottest bitch on the carpet Gary Oldman with his wife Alexandra, Morgan Freeman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt who recently offended pretty women by saying that pretty women aren’t funny. JGL needs to get an eyeball transplant, because there’s a million women who are both pretty and funny. I mean, what about the most beautiful and funniest woman on the planet Carrot Top? The audacity of some bitches.
The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read “Dark Knight released”). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he’s done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I’m also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she’s putting on makes her sound like she’s got a hairball stuck in her froat and she’s about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode.
And you know, more people should say, “There’s a storm coming” at the beginning of trailers, because that’s not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I’d go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it’s going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we’re all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella.
If you’ve had your tongue on Sean Penn’s golden raisin taint as he yammered on about saving Haiti, you too would try to cleanse your brain of that terrifying memory by spinning on the dick of grown men who used to be child actors. That’s pretty much what ScarJo is trying to do. ScarJo has already bounced her chichis on the face of Kieran Culkin and now UsWeekly is saying that she can answer the question: “What does the inside of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s mouth feel like?”
The details from UsWeekly as every trick who cried snot tears during 50/50 screams out, “Third rock from the NOOOOO!!!!”:
Scarlett Johansson was spotted making out with 50/50 star Joseph Gordon-Levitt in NYC last month. “They were kissing,” an eyewitness tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday. “They were very lovey.”
It wasn’t the first time Johansson, 26, and Gordon-Levitt, 30, hit the town together. The duo dined at Hundred Acres in NYC’s SoHo area in late July.
Although a source tells Us that Ryan Reynolds’ ex and Gordon-Levitt have been “discussing a project for a while [but] have never kissed,” another insider explains, “They first met about a film they wanted to do together, but it’s gone beyond that now.”
One of ScarJo’s friend says that it was just a kiss, which is polite talk for “She’s a slut.” But really, it was just a damn kiss. Maybe ScarJo was telling JGL that she can’t get the rancid taste of Sean Penn’s old nuts out of her mouth and he was curious to see what she was talking about. Who knows.
ScarJo really doesn’t have a type, though. Bitch went from Ryan Reynolds to Sean Penn to Kieran Culkin to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Four of these are not like the other. You better watch out, because ScarJo may get on your favorite white actor to fap to next. Where ScarJo’s coochie will stop next, nobody knows.
Vanity Fair’s (emphasis on the “Fair“) annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of “clutch your Tampax pearls” surprises! There’s ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it’s better than VF’s “Hungry White Girls Cover” of last year)! There’s Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There’s a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there’s the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who’d be half-nekkid if it wasn’t for those extra thick suspenders.
Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg’s sexyface rip half of that ho’s dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia’s “sneeze and my titty pokes out” dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!
Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must’ve been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn’t move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:
Anyway, here’s the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco,
Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.