Petite boy nymph Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been “meh” to me, but seeing his uneven crotch beard sticking out of some black chonies while he sticks his hairy gut out and smokes on a miniature joint is doing things to my senses. Dude looks like a stoner Christian Grey. He’s giving me Fifty Shades of Funyuns.
JGL was crowned Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Man of the Year on Friday and before he got to take home his award, he was roasted and had to complete a few challenges. JGL had to go through a bunch of obstacles like dry humping a drag queen’s ass and sucking on a cow’s tit like it was a rock hard peen. I know, Hasty Pudding calls those “obstacles” and Charlie Sheen it a slow weeknight.
And yes, yes, I’d hit it. I’d put on a cow costume and let him hit it while sucking on a fake joint.
Pic: AP, Getty
I’ll get to the people who were actually in Star Wars: The Force Awakens in a minute, but first, here’s some of the messes who weren’t in the movie but showed up because they either wanted to see it for free or they wanted to get their picture taken. Or both!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt led the LOOK AT ME train by showing up to the premiere in Hollywood looking like what I think is supposed to be Yoda? What in the hell kind of GD Yoda is that? Dude looks more like somebody’s mom answering the front door on a Sunday morning with a seaweed mask on her face. It looks like Shrek shot a 6-day load on his face. If the tip of JGL’s nerd boner gets moist for Star Wars, he should’ve tried a little bit harder. A hotel bathrobe, Grinch pajama bottoms from T.J. Maxx, converse and a baby poop face mask does not make a Yoda costume. Maybe JGL not-so-secretly hates Star Wars and his fuck effort outfit is his way of saying, “This shit is stupid.” Whatever the case may be, he should’ve been arrested for this.
Both Sofia Vergara and Maria Menonous wore Princess Leia-like hairstyles, and Jaime King, the den mother of Taylor Swift’s squad, also got an invitation for some reason and I don’t think she came dressed as one of the characters. I mean, I guess Jaime King can say she came dressed as a trick who had a one-night-stand with Chewbacca and made an outfit out of a bed sheet and his huge tuxedo shirt for the walk home. Will Taylor Swift please increase Jaime’s allowance so bitch can buy a real outfit? Jaime’s WTF ensemble is in the gallery as well as pictures of Karreuche Tran (???) and Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s latest piece. Attention Whores: The Thirst Awakens!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
On last night’s episode of that lip-synching show that’s not RuPaul’s Drag Race, two magical things happened:
1. Anthony Mackie stripped down to a Spandex onesie while mouthing his lips to MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit and his calzone titties quickly stole the show by bouncing up and down as he served up some hot moves. Those jumping chest dumplings hypnotized me into motorboating the screen.
2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt nailed his Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson impersonation right down to the rouge that made it look like heavenly angels scooted across his cheeks right after they went caca. JGL gave it like he’s been waiting for this day since his 8-year-old self danced to Rhythm Nation in front of his bedroom mirror.
LL Cool J is probably stunned, because his tip got moist from seeing JGL as Janet Jackson and he doesn’t know how to process that.
“Now? What do you mean, now?” thought everyone who has ever uttered the words “Damn, daddy” while watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt bump and grind on SNL (shamefully raises hand).
Eight months after Tommy Solomon from 3rd Rock from the Sun got secret married to his non-famous girlfriend Tasha McCauley, UsWeekly (via Daily Mail) is saying that they’ve gone ahead and had a secret baby. Look at that! A Hollywood-ish couple who didn’t run straight to their publicist 0.3 seconds after the plus sign appeared on the piss stick. Crazy.
JoGo and his normal person wife haven’t announced to anyone that they’re parents, because they’re sort of into that whole “having a private life” thing (“Ew gross why” hissed Kim Kardashian, who is no doubt on her 11,294th please pay attention to me pregnancy selfie of the day), But his rep claims that yes, he’s a daddy. An insider says Tasha birthed out a boy, and that “everyone’s happy and healthy.”
We’ll probably never know anything else about Baby Gordon-Levitt, but I’m still going to guess his name. Hey, we might find that out. It’s probably something totally normal, like Kevin. Just Kevin. With that being said, if they want their kid’s identity to remain a secret, then I don’t advise they ever take Baby Question Mark to one of the old Chuck E. Cheese’s that still have the creepy animatronic animal band. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them you don’t want them to scream out your name while singing “Happy Birthday“, they’ll still do it. That shady rat is loyal to no one.
The kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun (or as I know him as, DJ’s annoying ass friend on Roseanne) got married in a SHHH ceremony a few days before Christmas. If I knew that Joseph Gordon-Levitt had a girlfriend, then I completely forgot about that information and it was obviously removed from the battered metal memory cabinet in my brain and replaced with more important information like the middle names of the Property Brothers (it’s Silver and Alfred, by the way). Even though I really don’t know anything about JGL’s new wife, I can say that she’s a major catch, because think of the things she can do with those fingers dangling out of her crotch.
Yesterday, People EXCLUSIVO-LEY confirmed that JGL married his girlfriend Tasha McCauley at their home on December 20th. That’s pretty much all they know. JGL has said before that his girlfriend isn’t a Hollywood type and doesn’t want to be in that scene. Tasha McCauley is the founder and CEO of Fellow Robots, a robotics company that is based at NASA Research Park in the Silicon Valley.
I was going to call JGL the young George Clooney since he married a non-celebrity who is smart in the brain, but I can’t call him that. Because I don’t ever remember seeing video of JGL and Tasha fame whoring it up for the paps they called while waving from a boat before their publicity event of a wedding.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)
On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?
Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.
And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.
Lainey had a blind item last year about a popular, adorable actor who had a relationship with an ultra-dramatic, Emo-like actor, and after they broke up the Emo-like actor went crazy and threatened to expose them both. GAY DRAMA! I’d like to think it was about Don Rickles and Jack Nicholson, but everyone else thought it was about Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Michael Pitt. We’ll never ever ever know and we’ll all close our eyes for the last time without knowing if Joseph Gordon-Levitt loves peen, poon or both.
During an interview with Out Magazine to promote his movie Don Jon and his 10-year-old anti-pap short film Pictures of Assholes, JGL said he’s not going to say if he’s gay, straight or bi, because that would be trashy.
“That would be really tacky—they would win if I had to clarify.”
The “they” he’s talking about isn’t the terrorists. He’s talking about the media and the paparazzi. JGL went on to talk about how he learned from the very beginning of his career to be protective of his privacy:
“It comes from a really young age,” he concedes. “It can be really awkward and difficult to be thought of as this thing on TV. Before understanding it or being able to analyze it, I just knew it made me really anxious.” Regularly recognized in his teens as “that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun,” his reflexive response was denial. “I wouldn’t just say ‘No,’ ” he recalls. “I was way more convincing than that. I would first act confused, and then I would try to understand what they were saying. I would play the part.”
I don’t think I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets hard for coochie, cock or both and that’s surprising since I spend a lot of time wondering if EVERYBODY gets hard for coochie, cock or both. But now I’m going to overanalyze and study that picture of him clutching onto a pussy with a protective/angry look on his face. What does it mean?
Well, it was bound to happen, but today is the day when we’re all staring in unison at the Dick Solomon in Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s silky shorts. Congratulations to us all! Who knew that JGL looks hot even when he’s making a constipation face. You’re monitor is probably covered with a thin layer of self-tanner grease and AXE hair gel, and that’s because in his new movie Don Jon, JGL plays a Jersey dude who is obsessed with chasing tricks, pumping iron and fapping to porn. It’s almost like The Situation’s life story. If there’s a scene in JGL’s movie where his character has butt sex with a Jacuzzi jet, The Situation is totally going to sue him for not paying for the rights to his life story.
Don Jon, which was directed by JGL and also stars ScarJo, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore, is currently screening at SXSW. JGL says his movie is “a comedy about how men and women treat each other, and how the media we consume can create unrealistic expectations that we put on one another. That’s why the story centers around a relationship between a young man (played by me) who watches too much pornography and a young woman (played by Scarlett) who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies. It’s a topic I personally find fascinating and hilarious.”
Blah blah blah blah…. Doesn’t JGL know that you don’t sell a movie by yammering on and on about the plot? You sell a movie by telling us how many nude scenes, shirtless scenes and peen print scenes are in your movie. Nobody cares about the plot!
To answer my question in the headline, yes, I’d hit it and I’d hit Tony Danza too, but only if they kept their guido looks. And since JGL is a director now, maybe he can make my wet dreams come true by directing (and starring in) a gay porn parody of 3rd Rock from the Sun called 3rd Cock from my Buns.
In case you missed Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s chicken cordon bleu man titties flopping up and down, here he is impregnating the floor during his Ode to Magic Mike performance on SNL last night. I know JGL has been grown for a long time now, but it still surprises me that that he no longer has the body of a skinny ass 10-year-old boy (or like Parasite Hilton) and that his luscious chichis have grown in. Getting the tingles from watching JGL butt fuck the air made me realize that I’d probably also get the tingles from watching an evil spirit being passed into the body of a terrified chicken during an exorcism ritual, because that’s what he looked like.
With that being said, I’d still hit it even though when I saw GIFs of this early this morning I thought it was Billy Bush.
And click here for a better version that doesn’t make you feel like you’re looking at it through a broken View-Master.
I’m probably not going to watch Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln biopic, because if I want to learn more about old timey American history, I’ll just play another round of The Oregon Trailer on my Apple II. But if you’re going to see it, please clap during the end credits when you see the words: “All Gorgeous Wigs Furnished By Shh! It’s A Wig.” Because the Ogilvie Home Perm extravaganza on Tommy Lee Jones’ head tell me that Shh! It’s A Wig had a hand or two in it. If you put a clear plastic shower cap over his wig and threw a floral house dress on his body, he’d look like somebody’s grandma going to water the driveway in the morning. Or like he’s about to sing “I Dreamed A Dream” on Britain’s Got Talent. What I’m saying is that bitch looks hot.
The full trailer for Lincoln (Working Title: If You Don’t Give Us All The Oscars, You Hate America) is below and some people are crying about how Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t sound like Lincoln-ey enough, but I’m more mad that Bill & Ted are nowhere in the trailer and that Steven Spielberg didn’t release this a million years ago, because it’d be the perfect movie to nap to when my American History teacher plays it during class.
Lincoln pretty much stars everyone from Sally Field (who is always grabbing people by the arms to give them really a intense pep talk) to Joseph Gordon-Levitt to David Strathairn to Lee Pace to Jackie Earle Haley to Jared Harris to James Spader to Hal Holbrook to Gloria Reuben to Adam from Girls. I’m calling it right now. The scene they’ll show at the Oscars for the Best Picture clip is the scene where Adam from Girls pees on Lincoln in the communal shower.