I guess the Slut Dress had a more important, classier engagement last night (hosting a pool party in Vegas, then giving a lap dance to a Saudi prince in exchange for vouchers for the Bebe outlet) so she sent her sluttier unemployed cousin, the Skank Dress, in her place to the Divergent premiere in Los Angeles last night.
If Skank Dress looks familiar to you, it’s because you might remember her from a small role in the movie Showgirls. But after spending most of her earnings on fixing numerous botched alterations, she had to make ends meet by getting into unlicensed Brazilian waxing and was eventually busted during a Craigslist sting. So it’s really nice to see her finally get some honest work on the body of Maggie Q. Sadly, Skank Dress was unceremoniously upstaged by human bundle of patchouli-scented sage, Shay-Lean Woodley, and her homage to sun-kissed pubes:
It’s like she said to her stylist: “I want a dress that embodies the spirit of two pube-covered pussy lips freshly spritzed with Tropical Breeze Sun-In glistening in the hot summer sun.” Good on Shay-Lean for not only talking the talk, but walking the walk…and also for not walking the walk in those fucking toe shoes.
Here’s more of Skank Dress (and Maggie Q, but let’s be honest, she’s not the important one here) and Shay-Lean, as well as Kate Winslet, part-time James Franco impersonator Theo James, the most over-it girl at David Goldstein’s 90210-themed bar mitzvah Zoë Kravitz, and Jaden Smith, who looks like he’s traded in his signature constipated face for a shit-eating grin and the leftover wardrobe from a New Radicals music video.
File this under: The Judds are still a MESS!
I didn’t think anybody was regularly checking for Ashley Judd (see: movie producers, her agent, voters in Kentucky, etc…), but I’m wrong as usual, because her own sister was. Well, she was checking on her car anyway. The Tennessean says that last month Ashley Judd told the police that her sister Wynonna Judd put a GPS tracking device on a silver Mini Cooper she owns. Ashley filed a police report and in it she says that she, Wynonna and another person, whose identity was kept out of the report, are going through some kind of drama. TMZ says the other person is Wynonna’s 17-year-old daughter Grace.
Ashley told police that Grace took her Mini Cooper to a repair shop in Franklin, Tennessee and the mechanic found a black box behind the passenger seat and inside that black box was a GPS tracking device (DUN DUN DUN). The cops later found out that the GPS tracking device was registered to a private investigator in Nashville. Ashley told police that she thinks Wynonna snuck that shit in there and is trying to track a ho the same way Ewan McGregor tracked Ashley in her greatest movie of all-time Eye of the Beholder.
TMZ says that Wynonna told police that it was all just one big misunderstanding. Wynonna wasn’t trying to track Ashley. Wynonna was trying to track her daughter Grace who regularly drives that Mini Cooper.
I don’t know why Wynonna’s trying to track her daughter’s every move, but I do know she needs to get better at it. Who leaves a black box lying behind the passenger seat like that? Even the Detectives Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen wouldn’t make that mistake. Why bother hiding a GPS device in your kid’s car to stalk them when there’s an app for that?
These Judds. So messy. So dramatic. The pristine blossom of the Judd family, Naomi Judd, needs to take off her wig and slap both of them with it.
And James Patterson will turn this shit into a novel in 3..2..
After months and months of Ashley Judd teasing that she might run for Senate in her home state of Kentucky, she tweeted a today that she’s not running and if you want to see her in a political role, go see her as First Lady in that Olympus Has Fallen mess. My fourth favorite Judd (after Naomi, Wynonna and Judd Nelson) wrote this:
Thank you for these months of remarkable support & encouragement, for your voices, exhortations, & prayers. I have decided. After serious and thorough contemplation, I realize that my responsibilities & energy at this time need to be focused on my family. Regretfully, I am currently unable to consider a campaign for the Senate. I have spoken to so many Kentuckians over these last few months who expressed their desire for a fighter for the people & new leader. While that won’t be me at this time, I will continue to work as hard as I can to ensure the needs of Kentucky families are met by returning this Senate seat to whom it rightfully belongs: the people & their needs, dreams, and great potential. Thanks for even considering me as that person & know how much I love our Commonwealth. Thank you! Thank you for the outpouring of good wishes. Thanks for having so much confidence both in me & that we could work together.
Ashley Judd is separated from her hot piece of a husband and she doesn’t have any kids, so I’m guessing that by “focused on my family” she means that she’s going to tell her inner thoughts to her therapy dog and get drunk in the front row at Dancing in the Has-Beens while watching Wynonna Judd. (Actually, all that sounds better than running for Senate.)
Everything I know about the Fifth Amendment, I learned from Double Jeopardy, so Ashley Judd can continue to educate the masses about important politics stuff through her movies.
The picture above was taken at the Emmys in September, so you’d think that Ashley Judd’s husband Dario Franchitti would’ve immediately filed papers to legally quit her ass after she forced him to pose next to her while she’s got a cone of hair sitting on top of her head. Wearing your hair like that is only okay if you’re trying to smuggle a file to a prison inmate or if you’re trying to smuggle tiny bottles of booze into a 15-hour-long Emmy ceremony. (That’s probably what Ashley is doing here, which explains why Dario is okay with it).
Dario and Ashley didn’t file for divorce then (reason. irreconcilable differences over her ugly ass hairstyle), but they’re breaking up now. Dario and Ashley issued a statement to People yesterday saying that after 11 years of looking at each other’s faces every day, they’re sick of looking at each other’s faces:
“We have mutually decided to end our marriage. We’ll always be family and continue to cherish our relationship based on the special love, integrity, and respect we have always enjoyed.”
Ashley and Dario got married in Scotland in 2001 after 2 years of being engaged. And now Ashley has more time to either shoot a sequel to my favorite shit show Eye of the Beholder or plan her run for Senator of Kentucky.
And my thoughts are with Ashley’s therapy dog during this highly difficult time.
It’s a difficult time, because Ashley’s dog no longer gets to lick Dario’s glorious furry leech brows first thing in the morning.
Ashley Judd was on Canada’s The Marilyn Denis Show the other day to talk about her Double Jeopardy/Not Without My Daughter TV knock-off called Missing and some hos (read: Radar and The Daily Mail) think she Naomi Judd-ed up her face by filling her cheeks with a Phoebe Price special. Dr. Anthony Youn, a plastic surgeon, put his eyeballs on these pictures of Ashley and told Radar that in his professional opinion, she done knocked her face up with fillers:
“Ashley Judd’s wrinkles are Missing. I am flabbergasted that she appears to have changed her face like this. I suspect that she’s had a good dose of Botox in her forehead to smooth it and injections of fat into her cheeks to plump them up. Ten years ago Ashley had some of the best cheeks in the business. Unfortunately, now they look too puffy. Hopefully they’re swollen from a recent treatment and will settle down soon.”
Best cheeks in the business?! First of all, if Dr. Youn is talking about the ho stroll business, then I am flabbergasted (FLABBERGASTED, I tell you!) by his words since that title has always belonged to Chicken Cutlets. Second of all, if Dr. Youn is talking about show business, then I am still flabbergasted by his words since that title has always belonged to John Travolta. Ten thousand cum shots to his ass cheeks don’t lie.
And about Ashley’s face, I don’t know. I still see wrinkles. Yes, her cheeks look like my nalgas after having an allergic reaction to shrimp lube, but that could be from anything. It could be bloat from meds. It could be a little weight gain. I still see Ashley Judd when I look at these pictures of Ashley Judd. Now, moving on to more important topics like Ashley’s DOG FRIEND!
I read somewhere that Ashley’s dog Buttermilk is a certified service dog, because he helps her with her anxiety attacks or depression or something. To which I say, how do I get my dog certified as a certified service dog?! I need this, especially on planes. Not because he soothes my anxiety or anything. But because I need someone to watch my carry-on while I yell at a whore for acting the fool.
Just like Uma Thurman and Nicole Kidman before her, Ashley Judd showed up to her book (Which I hear is a feel good read about her awful childhood, battle with depression, sexual abuse and hate of Diddy! Her “hate of Diddy” is the feel good part.) signing at Barnes & Noble in NYC today looking like she just stuck half of her face in the bottom of Lindsay Lohan’s purse. Flourface (or cokeface depending on the face) is a real epidemic that affects all actress. You know, if I was Ashley I’d be pissed. But only because if I’m going to look like I’ve been baking and throwing around flour in an old timey kitchen like a vaudeville comedian, I’d at least want some delicious cupcakes or some shit to show for it. Ashley’s make-up artist definitely owes her some cupcakes.