Scott Disick Has A New Girlfriend And She’s An 18 Year Old Model

Well, this is…something. 32 year old father of three Scott Disick, seen above using his arms to show how big of a douchebag Scott Disick is, is apparently chasing his dead relationship with the least fame whorey (I CANNOT believe I just typed that) Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, with an 18 year old girlfriend. “Oh Scott, I knew you’d step up to the plate and give us something good to work with for the next season of KUWTK” cooed Scott’s former pimp-in-law Kris Jenner.

TMZ says Scott’s new girlfriend is a recently-legal blonde model from Canada named Lindsay Vrckovnik. They’re currently hanging out in Florida, because that’s what you do when you’re a 32 year old man who doesn’t have a job, I guess. TMZ has pictures of Scott and his new girlfriend frolicking on the beach, if that’s something you want to see.

I know there are grosser things than a 32 year old dating an 18 year old, but let’s put it into perspective. Scott’s new piece was 13 when his first kid was born. Scott was 14 when his girlfriend was born. Most importantly, Scott’s new girlfriend was barely a year old when Spice World was released. I mean, how the fuck do you relate to someone who wasn’t around when Spice World came out?

On the up side, Scott now has someone who will be there waiting in his hotel room to clean his ass up when he comes home drunk from the club, since his current girlfriend isn’t old enough to get in.

Speaking of 18 year olds who are dating grown-ass adult men with kids, here’s Scott’s former sister in law Kylie Jenner leaving a studio in Los Angeles yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Everybody Looked Absolutely Thrilled To Be At Kanye West’s Fashion Show

It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.

Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.

I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.

Today adidas long term partner @kanyewest presented a collection as a designer in his own right. Congrats, Mr. West! pic.twitter.com/MRPM7vMlul

— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015

They all look like sad used condoms.

Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Justin Timberlake Responds To Kanye Calling Him Out During His Vanguard Speech

One of the word nuggets Kanye West squeezed out during his next-level insane “I’m running for President in 2020” Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award speech last night was a tiny clump of stinky shade that you know he’s been saving for just such an occasion. While talking about…fuck, who even knows, Kanye aimed his ass over to Justin Timberlake’s direction and ripped a hot one about watching JT cry himself a river when he lost Album of the Year to the Dixie Chicks at the 2006 Grammy Awards. Yes, Kanye is that girl at a sleepover who looks at you during the bee scene in My Girl and loudly asks “Are you crying???”

“And bro, Justin, I ain’t trying to put you on blast, but I saw that man in tears, bro. You know, and I was thinking like, he deserved to win Album of the Year.”

Well, guess who didn’t appreciate being put “on blast” for his sad, salty tears? That’s right, Kanye’s bro Justin Timberlake. Shortly after Kanye outed him for crying over a stupid trophy, a butthurt Justin hopped on Twitter to swat back.

Kanye is so cute, y'all.

— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015

Eventually, Joey Fatone was able to calm Justin down by stroking his hair and whispering “I know, I know“, and Justin returned with some nicer words.

Jokes, you guys… Jokes. #chill

— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015

Btw… I JUST watched my man 'Ye's FULL speech… He always has a point. And I support it. #truth

— Justin Timberlake (@jtimberlake) August 31, 2015

Oooh, you know how I know he’s still a little mad? He called him “my man” and not “bro.” It’s okay, JT – let it out, buddy. Don’t be ashamed of those tears!

In the event you didn’t get enough of Kim Kardashian’s tits looking like a pair of TruckNutz in an elegant lace-up satin pouch, here’s Kim and Kanye leaving dinner after the VMAs last night.

Pics: Splash

Finally, Kris Jenner Gets Some Attention!

Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!

So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.

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Tyga Didn’t Give Kylie Jenner A Used SUV, But He Did Give Her A $260,000 Ferrari

A cloud of black smoke was seen rushing down the street in L.A. shortly after midnight this morning and that was just Pimp Mama Kris scurrying her ass to the offices of Vivid Entertainment. Now that PMK’s youngest ATM, Kylie Jenner, is officially 18, she can finally turn that trick out by selling a sex tape to Vivid. It’s a pimp mother’s proudest moment.

Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood really became fame whore central last night when the entire Kartrashian koven and the paparazzi they called came out to celebrate Kylie Jenner’s 18th birthday. On Friday night, Kylie was papped driving a Mercedes G-Wagon (in shade: Look At Me Red) and TMZ said that it was a gift from her piece PedoTyga. TMZ later found out that the G-Wagon used to belong to Tyga’s baby mother Blac Chyna and when they broke up, she gave it back and he painted it red. Some of us burned 5 pounds of fat from laughing at the thought of Tyga recycling a gift. But TMZ is now saying that Kylie was just driving the G-Wagon. Tyga never gave it to her. Tyga’s real gift to his barely legal piece was a $260,000 Ferrari convertible. Tyga can’t even pay rent, but yet he somehow can afford to buy a Ferrari? My guess is that one of two things happened:

1. Tyga pawned off his exquisite Garfield chain to put a down payment on that Ferrari. In a few months, the paparazzi will capture Kylie trying to squeeze out authentic tears from her Botoxed ducts as Sonia from Operación Repo repossess her Ferrari.

2. PMK paid for that Ferrari and gave it to Tyga to give to Kylie, because she doesn’t want it to look like her little moneymaker is being taken advantage of by a disgusting leach who is using her for attention and cash.

And judging by the open-mouthed demonic look that PMK is making in the picture above, it’s totally number two. It’s surprising that PMK is not squirting out a crotch geyser of excitement from all the cameras on her.

Here’s more pictures from Kylie’s birthday including some of Kylie working the “rejected Rock of Love Bus contestant” look in that blond wig as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian that there are no words for.

Pics: Splash

Kylie Jenner Is Getting At Least $100,000 To Booze It Up In Canada On Her 18th Birthday

Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.

TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age.  So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.

But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.

And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.

Pics: Instagram, Splash