Category: The Slow One
Khlozilla Thinks That Her 17-Year-Old Sister Dating A Grown Man Is A “Special Case”
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
Here’s Caitlyn Jenner’s ESPYs Award Speech
While working a custom-made Ver-sayce gown and styling by Dame St. Angie Jolie’s stylist (Can’t you tell?), Caitlyn Jenner accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs tonight as some people screamed, “(insert the name of any and every athlete here) deserves it more!!!!!” Bob Costas‘ wig probably flipped off of his head.
Caitlyn’s 5,000 children were in the audience as well as Khlozilla, Kim Kartrashian and The Slow One. Pimp Mama Kris, who wasn’t invited, watched it in her lair while saying, “Ugh, she looks so fat,” to the TV screen as her boy toy/future victim massaged the retractable devil horns on her head.
Before her speech, they played a 13-minute-long video that was narrated by Jon Hamm of all people and showed Caitlyn’s Olympic wins as well as some of her transition. During her speech, Caitlyn said that she feels it’s her responsibility to “reshape the landscape of how trans issues are viewed” and hopes her story will push people to accept each other for who we are. Caitlyn talked about the murder of 17-year-old transgender woman Mercedes Williamson in Mississippi and a 15-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide just days before her interview with Diane Sawyer aired. Caitlyn said that she can take it when people call her names and makes jokes about her ass, but the thousands of transgender kids out there who are just finding themselves shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. Below is a piece of her speech:
“So for the people out there wondering what this is all about — whether it’s about courage or controversy or publicity, well, I’ll tell you what it’s all about. It’s about what happens from here. It’s not just about one person – it’s about thousands of people. It’s not just about me — it’s about all of us, accepting one another. We’re all different — that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing. And while it may not be easy to get past the things you always don’t understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”
And in motion:
Kim would’ve squirted out a fake tear, but her ducts are all Botoxed up.
I really wished that at the end of Caitlyn’s speech she would’ve done a slow, lazy, Ambien and red wine-induced spin, because with that hair and that dress she was giving me Lana Del Rey on Saturday Night Live. Okay, a more alive Lana Del Rey.
Everyone Is Mad At Scott Disick, But Kanye West Is The Maddest
Noted asshole Scott Disick has been especially asshole-y this week. After he “got caught” trying to hook-up with one of his ex-girlfriends in Monte Carlo, Kourtney Kardashian dumped him and he just shrugged his shoulders and told people he was single and ready to mingle. He followed that up by bailing on his daughter’s 3rd birthday and posting a lazy “Happy Birthday, or whatever” message on Instagram. As you can probably guess, Scott Disick isn’t exactly the most popular person at the Botox Kompound right now. And according to People, the person who is most pissed off at Scoot Douchebag is his brother-in-law, Kanye West.
A source close to Kanye claims that Kanye is “furious” at Scott, adding that he’s “maybe the most furious of everyone.” That might technically be true, since the last time I checked, Kanye was the only Kardashian who’s face muscles could still move freely and show a range of emotions. Kanye has also apparently been really vocal about Scott’s recent asshole behavior.
“He’s saying that a real man doesn’t abandon his family like Scott is doing.”
The source also claims that Kanye has offered to step up and be a “strong male figure” to Scott and Kourtney’s three kids. “Cool, when you get a chance, can you do the same for me?” thought North West. The source goes on to say that every member of the Kardashian Koven will forgive Scott for being an asshole if he comes home and does the right thing. Scott allegedly attempted to do the right thing by checking in to rehab, but he left after one hour. So yeah, they might not want to start planning that forgiveness party just yet.
If I were Kanye West, I’d be so pissed at Scott Disick too. Without Scott, Kanye has no one to help him escape from another four hour conversation that starts with “OMG I just found the best industrial-grade expandable butt foam…”
Speaking of rubber and latex, here’s Kim Kardashian celebrating Scott and Kourtney’s daughter Penelope’s 3rd birthday at Disneyland with North and their attention-thirsty grandma Kris Jenner. They really got into the Disneyland spirit too: Kourtney dressed up as Tinker Bell, while Kim’s face appears to be channeling Sleepy. I’ve also thrown in some pics of Kim and Kanye looking ~so artsy~ for System magazine.
Pics: Splash, Juergen Teller
And On The Season Premiere Of Krapping Up The Kartrashians…
Since Kim Kartrashian has a silicone womb full of her next publicity stunt and Khlozilla trapped her next victim, Kourtney Kartrashian had to come up with her next storyline or Pimp Mama Kris would’ve banished her to the basement where she’d have to spend her days watching Fat Rob dry his tears on a mountain of socks he never sold. So Kourtney decided to dump the father of her 3 kids, Scott Disick, because Pimp Mama Kris always told her: What’s the point of making babies with a man if you’re not going to dump him for the sake of your reality shit show and tabloid coverage?
Kartrashian Kentral (aka E! News) says that the human embodiment of a drool stain broke up with Scott over the Fourth of July weekend. The Slow One is apparently sick of Scott partying all the time and she ended things after seeing pictures of him touching his ex-piece Chloe Bartoli while vacationing in the South of France. Scott is still in Monte Carlo and is telling everybody that he’s single now. “E!’s source” (government name: Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner) spilled out this shit about the break-up:
“Kourtney has always taken Scott back and been by his side, but now with three kids it has gotten old. Kourtney has to do what’s best for the kids. Scott has been running around saying he’s single. Kourtney dumped him after she saw the pics [in Monte Carlo] and he hasn’t been home after a month-long party binge.
Kourtney is putting on a brave face, but she is over it. She’s fed up. It’s humiliating and disrespectful. How much more is she supposed to take? Scott does not seem to care about what he’s doing. He’s clearly unraveling. He was a mess in NYC last month with the drinking and partying and he’s been in a downward spiral ever since. He’s been in trouble before, but this is on another level.”
Brave face? I haven’t heard of that kind of facelift. It must be some new shit you can only get done in South America.
I know this devastating and heartbreaking news makes you want to punch your chest while crying on a pile of bloody cherubs who committed suicide over true love being dead, but don’t worry. I’m sure that Scott and Kourtney will get back together as soon as they get the KUWTK script that reads:
That’s emoji for: Shit Head and Sloth Girl get back together. (Like most of her sisters, Kourtney can only read emojis.)
And Now For Kim Kardashian’s Letter To Her Future Self
Yes, the person above knows what the word “future” means. I can’t believe it either. Full-time drowsy-faced Instagram model and part-time mother Kim Kardashian “wrote” a letter to her future self for Glamour.com containing a list of her hopes and dreams for the next 10 years. Naturally, I assumed that letter was just a piece of paper with a bunch of dicks drawn on it in black pen, but it turns out it was an actual letter with actual words.
According to Kim’s letter, Kim wants Future Kim to “remember to be kind” to herself about her body and to enjoy how she looks right now because she’s “not getting any younger.” Damn, present-day Kim is a cold-ass bitch. Kim also hopes that Future Kim is patient with her 12-year-old daughter, North West, who no doubt wants nothing to do with the vulcanized tire she calls a mother. Once she got all the superficial shit out of the way, Kim got into her real wishes: Kim hopes that Future Kim is still really good at contouring her face, and that science will have invented a green juice that keeps you tan forever. “Me too, girl,” thought Rachel Dolezal.
“Am I still on fleek? Am I still hot? Please tell me I’m still hot. Oh lord, I’m not hot anymore, am I? Am I at least still hotter than Khloe?”
Here’s more of present-day Kim, Kanye West, and about 2/3 of the Kardashian Koven at Disneyland for North’s 2nd birthday. I heard they couldn’t go on the It’s A Small World ride. Apparently, there was too great a chance Kim would steal the head off the hippo and use it to pad the ass of her pants.
Pics: Splash
I Guess “Pimp Mama” Was Already Trademarked
“You goddamn right ‘Pimp Mama’ is already trademarked, buuuuurp,” said White Oprah while drunkenly lying on the bathroom floor of a Long Island T.G.I Fridays where she went after that shitty Philippe restaurant failed to recognize her as the bright shining celebrity she thinks she is.
Seen above seconds before a bird mistook her rubber lips for bloated earthworms in distress and tried to snatch them off of her face, Pimp Mama Kris is trying to trademark the term “momager” because she would. TMZ says that the dick nose-having minion from hell has filed legal papers for the right to own the name “momager” when it comes to all things entertainment. She already has the trademark for “momager” for use in her reality shit show and personal management services. It looks like trademarking is PMK’s newest scheme. Her youngest ATMs, Kendull Jenner and chemtrail expert and future TED speaker Kylie Jenner, are also trying to trademark their first names. Insert KylieMinogueThrowingASideEye.jpg here.
I don’t screw with Ouija boards, but if you do, please summon the ghost of Mama Rose so she can ghost slap the hell out of PMK for thinking she’s the first and biggest momager ever. Mama Rose was a momager long before Lucifer created PMK.
It begins. Expect PMK to trademark everything. She’s going to trademark Pimpager, Shameless Pimp, Whore Wrangler, Pimp Mama Kris, Big Kunt, THIS BITCH, Plastic Leech On Humanity’s Right Ass Lip, etc… etc… We’ll just have to call her Evil Succubus From The Ninth Circle until she eventually trademarks that.
And here’s The Slow One and The Slow One’s man celebrating his birthday by getting paid to host some club night in Las Vegas over the weekend.
Pics: Wenn.com