What do worst Paul brother Jake Paul, Lil Yachty, Soulja Boy, Austin Mahone, Akon, Ne-Yo, and porn star Kendra Lust all have in common? Well, thanks to the genre-bending, quadruple threat and possible bearer of out next Lord and Savior, Lindsay Lohan, they are all just one degree of separation away from three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep. CNN reports that Lindsay and her ragtag gang of “business” “associates” have all been charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission with violating disclosure rules while promoting crypto tokens on social media. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can anchor a team of random miscreants like our Lady in the Red.
Evan Rachel Wood Flips Off Marilyn Manson After He Made An Appearance At Kanye West’s Listening Event
The rollout for the release of Kanye West’s tenth studio album Donda was messier and longer than the diarrhea stream a Kardashian lets out after her bi-weekly CoolSculpting session. But I guess all those eye roll-worthy stunts that Kanye pulled paid off because Donda set new records on Apple Music including hitting #1 in 152 countries and racking up 60 million streams in the U.S. in 24 hours. Well, it’s totally safe to say that zero of those streams came from Evan Rachel Wood who gave a concise review of Kanye putting a spotlight on her alleged abuser, Marilyn Manson. It’s also safe to say that a huge chunk of those streams came from Soulja Boy listening to the album over and over again to make sure that Kanye really cut him from it. And at least one stream came from Kim Kardashian who listened to it with the volume all the way down. “Us too,” said everyone.
Kanye West Raps About Kim Kardashian On “Donda” And Says Universal Released It Without His Permission
Because it was inevitable, Kanye West’s new album Donda, which was finally released yesterday, is currently dominating the music charts. Much to Kanye’s dismay. Despite the $40 hot dogs, countdown clock, having blown through an entire box of nylon footies he picked up from Lady Footlocker and literally setting himself on fire, Kanye wasn’t ready. In an Instagram post, Kanye complains that “Universal put my album out without my approval and they blocked Jail 2 from being on the album.” According to Complex, the Jail 2 track referenced features Marilyn Manson and DaBaby, those two wet sacks of garbage that were sitting on Kanye’s front porch during the 3rd Donda listening party.
Soulja Boy is, quite possibly, one of the greatest entrepreneurs of this, or any century. Looking for off-brand kicks made by children in an unregulated factory somewhere in the developing world (“the last shoes I bought from him only came after I filed a complaint w/ the BBB & then the quality was like $5 when I paid $190” – actual customer testimonial)? Souja’s got you! How about a SmartWatch (currently unavailable, the website’s down or something)? Ya boy’s got you covered! Maybe you’re after a video game console? Well, sorry to say that “questionable” operation was shut down within a month. But the good news is you can still take advantage of the quality and prestige that we’ve come to associate with the Souja Boy brand and protect yourself from the COVID-19 virus at the same time!
Poor Soulja Boy’s been rotting away in an L.A. County jail cell for the past three months with nary a peep of protest from the public. Meanwhile, the entire ass US State Department’s out here begging the Swedish government to make sure A$AP Rocky’s Knäckebröd is served to him appropriately crisp. It’s a sad state of affairs for Soulja who was serving a 240 day sentence after violating his probation by getting a weapons charge. However, according to People, Soulja’s been released 146 days early “due to a combination of good behavior, time served and overcrowding” and can go back to pursuing what he calls “the biggest comeback of 2019”. You want shoes, Soulja’s got you. New album? Soulja’s on it! How about a movie? Sure, why not, Soulja can do that for you too. It’s 2019 and Soulja’s a free man. Anything is possible!
I hope he packed his Souljagame because Soulja Boy is going to be spending the next several months in jail. After getting arrested on a probation violation in early April, Soulja was being held without bail. That “without bail” is now “without question” and he’s going to be in lock up for 240 days.