What do worst Paul brother Jake Paul, Lil Yachty, Soulja Boy, Austin Mahone, Akon, Ne-Yo, and porn star Kendra Lust all have in common? Well, thanks to the genre-bending, quadruple threat and possible bearer of out next Lord and Savior, Lindsay Lohan, they are all just one degree of separation away from three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep. CNN reports that Lindsay and her ragtag gang of “business” “associates” have all been charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission with violating disclosure rules while promoting crypto tokens on social media. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can anchor a team of random miscreants like our Lady in the Red.
There must have been some kind of climate summit going on in the Caribbean over the holidays because Lauren Sanchez wasn’t the only person to counterbalance her St. Barts yacht excursion over New Year’s by posting about a pet environmental cause on Instagram immediately after. Page Six reports that eco/panty-warrior Captain Leonardo DiCaprio and his First Mate Lukas Haas, known affectionately within the Pussy Posse as “little buddy,” also spent New Year’s Eve partying on and in the waters surrounding St. Barts with Lauren, Jeff Bezos, and a plethora of other folks who must have had a lot of PTO on the books to spare. Thanks to these brave men and women who have devoted their lives to saving our precious environment, we now know that 26,000 rainforest and Eucalyptus trees have been planted onsite at Mongo Valley Wildlife Sanctuary in Australia and that Leo likes to nibble the celery in his poolside Bloody Mary like an adorable little koala bear!
The Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul boxing match happened last night in Miami and as expected my assumptions were proven correct and this whole shenanigan was about two things: Money and Attention. 44-year-old Floyd, an undefeated, seasoned, retired fighter, did not knock out 26-year-old YouTuber Logan Paul, and Logan certainly didn’t even come close to doing the same to Floyd. So nobody won, and these two lasted the full eight rounds of fighting, creating a scene so attention-seeking and stupid that the crowd was literally booing them by the end of it. A practice I think maybe society should take on outside of just when these two are fighting each other. Just boo them all the time.
Throbbing pustule of flaming, fecal ooze sputtering from Satan’s sigmoid colon, 24-year-old professional YouTube famewhore Jake Paul, younger brother of equally douchebagging wad of excrement Logan Paul, took a few rare moments from his busy schedule of attempting to build a boxing career (his face is punchable enough for this to work) to take his signature asshole act to Puerto Rico and terrorize the innocent wildlife, because sometimes putting humans in danger just isn’t enough.
I shouldn’t be such a hater, because what else was he supposed to do, since the evil, villainous FBI swooped in and seized all his guns, putting a Gorilla-glued butt plug into what could have been a brilliant, DIY sniper career? (He wishes.)
Jake Paul Snatched Floyd Mayweather’s Hat Triggering A Brawl At His Brother Logan Paul’s Press Event
26-year-old YouTube douche-bro, Logan Paul, is set to fight 44-year-old actual boxer and undefeated champion, Floyd Mayweather, on June 6. Clearly, such an activity is a profit-driven publicity stunt, because who the shit wants to see that in any sort of real fighting-quality comparison? And so when there was a press event about it, shit got messy. How messy? Well, 24-year-old Jake Paul was there too and so that compounds the Paul-family chaos, and since he’s the younger brother he has even less impulse-control than Logan and he went ahead and snatched Floyd’s hat off his head at one point, triggering a brawl. At least that’s what these stunt queens want us to think. I smell a stunt, a plot, a ruse, and a charade. And with a large dash of doucheness.
44-year-old Floyd Mayweather is a retired career fighter with a 50-0 win/loss record. 26-year-old Logan Paul is a retired(?) YouTuber who is now trying to be a boxer and has a 0-1 record. The only thing Logan can fight successfully is an already dead rat. And buckle up because these two knuckleheads are about to beat each other up in a pay-per-view fight in Miami. Anyone wanna bet who’s gonna win?