She’s back, bitches! In the three years since her MTV reality show Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club got shitcanned, Lindsay Lohan has clawed and scratched her way back up to the lower-middle and is starring in a Planet Fitness commercial that will air during the Super Bowl! Now, it’s a bit premature to say her acting career is skyrocketing towards where it once was, but I think we could say she’s at least found the keys to a reasonably priced midsize sedan and is planning to go put some gas in the tank as soon as that Planet Fitness check clears so she can eventually hit the road to success at a safe and responsible speed.
Here’s Lindsay’s commercial which features appearances by William Shatner, Dennis Rodman, Buzzy Cohen, and Danny Trejo all wondering “what’s gotten into Lindsay?” Apparently working out at Planet Fitness will kill your urge to kidnap children and make the paparazzi very sad!
Look at that budget! It’s a far cry from her previous ad on TikTok which featured fart noises. Lindsay will also star in an upcoming Netflix Christmas movie called Falling For Christmas opposite Chord Overstreet about “a spoiled hotel heiress who gets total amnesia in a skiing accident and finds herself in the care of a handsome lodge owner,” which is not to be confused with Amazon Prime’s 2016 Christmas movie of the same name about “when a champion figure skater Claire becomes injured she is sent to a rehabilitation center in the snowy mountains where she meets and falls for a local ice fisherman who shows her there is more to life than competition.” See, totally different. I’m sure Lindsay is going to be showing off her impressive comedy chops in her movie, and since she’s currently making plans for her upcoming wedding to her boyfriend Bader Shammas, she’s got romance on the mind too. According to People, Lindsay wants a wedding as low-key as she is. And as anyone who’s ever had to transcribe her music for her knows, that’s somewhere in the basement of G.
Speaking with Extra on Friday, Lohan shared an update on piecing together her nuptials. Host Rachel Lindsay asked her “What kind of bride do you think you’ll be? Are you going to be low-key? Are you going to be all-in? I’m not going to call you a bridezilla, I’m not going to do that!”
“I’m definitely not like that,” said Lohan. “I’m more low-key. Even on my birthday I want to make sure everyone else is good and then I can be okay. So I’ll be more like that.”
“I’m looking at destinations,” Lohan continued. “I’ve already started talking to a friend of mine about the dress. But I want to do things right and I want to pace everything. But it’s an exciting time. I’m very girly, so….”
Don’t let the baritone fool you. She’s as girly as they come. You know, I’ve been tracking the burgeoning Lohanisaance with fevered anticipation since she teased Xanax, her first single in 12-years way back in August of 2019. While that single was never officially released, she did eventually share the song on Instagram with an accompanying music video that Kristian described as “less professionally-made than the car crash compilations I watch on YouTube when I’m stoned,” before deleting the entire mess altogether. And her long-ago promised 3rd studio album has yet to materialize. She’s since dabbled in various other endeavors that have either been forgotten, discarded, or ridiculed. But Lindsay looks great in that commercial and presumably the Christmas movie is already in the can so watch out world, you’re not going to have Lindsay Lohan to kick around anymore! Now, given her dancing abilities, I can’t guarantee she won’t inadvertently kick her own ass. The best we can do is pray that dawn has finally broken on the Lohannasiance of our dreams.