Category: Prince Harry
Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Will Sit For Depositions In Samantha Markle’s Defamation Case Against Her Half-Sister
I would ask somebody to please go check on Piers Fucking Morgan right now, but even I’m not that cruel. Nobody should be subjected to the sight of Piers prancing around in his tighty-whities doing celebratory jetés at the news that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may actually have to sit for depositions in response to Megan’s half-sister Samantha Markle‘s defamation suit against her, except for Samantha herself. Not even Jeremy Clarkson, but that’s only because the freak would probably nut all over himself, and he doesn’t deserve the pleasure.
The Woman Who Claims She Took Prince Harry’s Virginity Speaks Out
Did you hear the story of how Prince Harry lost his virginity to an older woman behind a pub in 2001? Oh, you didn’t. Well, then I guess you haven’t been keeping up with the daring tales found in Harry’s hit memoir Spare (a.k.a I got more where that came from, Will and Kate!). Amongst the stories of brotherly brawls and weird war boasting, there was the tender tale of how Harry lost it. Everyone speculated that the “older woman” was someone famous while others like Rupert Everett declared for some reason that Harry was lying about the details and he knows who Harry lost his V-Card to. We can finally rest easy because the mystery woman has come out! And she’s a digger driver and former stable girl named Sasha Walpole.
Helena Bonham Carter Thinks Netflix Should Abdicate “The Crown” Immediately
I guess Helena Bonham Carter hasn’t severed the psychic link between herself and Princess Margaret yet because Mags has got a message to share from BEYOND THE ROYAL VAULT (graves are for peasants, you fools!). She’s using everyone’s formerly favorite kooky aunt to deliver it. According to Variety, HBC sat down with The Guardian, and while she wisely declined to “contribute to the whole thing” surrounding Prince Harry’s memoir Spare, Princess Margaret’s eyes, ears and legs on earth burped up a message to Netflix that they should end The Crown now because it is no longer a “historical drama.” Oh, wait! Now I’m receiving a message from Mags! Please hold…. Yes, yes, sorry, OK, yes, got it!
King Charles Wants Prince Harry And Meghan Markle At His Coronation, And All Five Of The Spice Girls May Reunite For It
After Prince Harry shit talked everybody and his father in Spare, I assumed him and Meghan Markle would be persona non grata at King Charles’ coronation in June. But, over the weekend, The Independent reported that, actually, Charles would be open to having his spare son and daughter-in-law at his crowning. Apparently, he’s concerned their absence would be “more distracting than their presence.” Prince William allegedly disagrees and is worried that Harry will “overshadow” the event. Um, fair enough, but do Harry and Meghan really have the ~*STAHHH POWER*~ to steal Charles’ thunder? It’s not like they’re the bloody… Spice Girls. Oh wow, what a perfect segue into our next coronation headline: the Spice Girls (including Posh!) might reunite to play Charles’ coronation concert in May!
Prince Andrew Has Reportedly Raised Enough Funds To Prove He’s Never Met Virginia Giuffre In A Court Of Law
One might assume that Prince Andrew doesn’t have much left to lose after getting fired from the one job he was born to do, but according to The Sun, Andy’s coffers aren’t completely bare (again) even though his ex wife Original Fergie‘s lender of choice, The Bank of Epstein, went belly up in 2019 and Andrew’s most reliable source of income, his mummy THE QUEEN, left him high and dry to go play with her corgis in the sky. Thankfully for Andrew, mummy didn’t leave him penniless and he’s presumed to have inherited “several million” from her. Andrew and Fergie also reportedly made £10 million from the sale of their Swiss Chalet. Add in all the money he’s saved on food and rent over the course of his life thanks to the astonishing generosity of the British taxpayer, even if you subtract the reported £3-£6 million he paid to settle Virginia Giuffre’s lawsuit against him plus the cost of postage required to keep in touch with his “dear friend” Ghislaine Maxwell, who is serving 20 years in a Florida prison for sex trafficking, why he’s almost got enough left over to slink away from public life never to be seen or heard from again. It worked for, Prince Harry, Great Britain’s 2nd most superfluous Spare, now didn’t it?
Prince Harry Scoffs At Jeremy Clarkson’s Most Recent Attempt To Apologize For What He Wrote About Meghan Markle In The Sun
Winnie the Pooh is OUT as Jeremy Clarkson’s apology ghostwriter. Jeremy has issued a new public “mea culpa with bells on” to Instagram because “the people who called for it” were unmoved by Jeremy’s initial “Oh dear. I’ve rather put my foot in it” plea for absolution he posted on Twitter addressing the backlash he received over his column in The Sun in which he stated he hates Meghan Markle “on a cellular level” and how he fantasizes “of the day when she is made to parade naked through the streets of every town in Britain while the crowds chant, ‘Shame!’ and throw lumps of excrement at her.” Frankly, I’m shocked Pooh even took that gig to begin with. We don’t need Britain’s #1 tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff ghostwriter associated with the likes of Jeremy. Jerm’s on his own now, and unfortunately, he still can’t get the job done. SilenCED no more; Prince Harry’s not having it.