The presidential election is THEE reality show of America. But instead of winning a prize of 100,000 USD and the title of next drag superstar, you get a shiny nuclear button that has the capacity to devastate millions of lives. Also, the secret service gives you a cool new nickname. That’s the beauty of these United States! Any Joe Schmo can lead the free world if they’re popular enough. Well, almost anyone. The right to rule America is only reserved for citizens born in the US. And apparently, this is the only criterion stopping Arnold Schwarzenegger from becoming number 47.
We know Dr. Dre’s pockets are significantly lighter these days than they were before agreeing to pay his ex-wife $100 million dollars to have her lawyer lose his lawyer’s number. But that doesn’t mean Dre doesn’t have enough pennies left in his war chest to sic his team on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene for using the beat from Still D.R.E. in a laughably earnest self-promotional video she posted, presumably to highlight her tiresome efforts to secure enough votes to elect Rep. Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. According to TMZ, “in the video, you see her walking around and feeling herself — even taking a call from “DT” at one point.” Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for us, she wasn’t “feeling herself” in a sexy way, so Dre wasn’t impressed, telling TMZ he doesn’t “license [his] music to politicians, especially someone as divisive and hateful as this one.” To put it more succinctly; she ugly.
Journey’s Neil Schon Sent A Cease And Desist Order To Bandmate Jonathan Cain For Playing The Band’s Music At Trump Events
Journey‘s 1981 hit Don’t Stop Believin’ is a timeless tale about following your dreams. It is also the last song most bars play when they want you to get the fuck out. A classic tune, either way. But unfortunately, since the song is wildly popular, that means its reach extends to people who probably need to stop believing in their dreams and go sit down somewhere. This brings me to Trump who claimed he’s running for POTUS again. And at his most recent gathering at Mar-a-Lago, Journey member Jonathan Cain (right) performed the tune to hype up the crowd. And that’s when his bandmate, Neal Schon (left), tossed a cease and desist order at Jonathan to inform him to stop using their wholesome song for such an unsavory group of folks.
There’s a reason they give you those cute little “I Voted” stickers at the polls, and it’s so you can show the world that you are an informed, responsible, civic-minded individual who has participated in the sacred act of democratic agency upon which our country was built (citation needed), without letting them know that you just copied your husband’s ballot at the 11th hour because you’re a lazy dum-dum who couldn’t get their shit together in time. Now, I don’t know if Katy Perry’s husband Orlando Bloom is the lazy dum-dum in their family or if Katy’s just an ambitious dum-dum. Because Katy got out and voted, but instead of posting a cute ‘lil selfie with her sticker, she took a selfie inside the voting booth that managed to show her entire ass, including who she voted for.
Donald Trump’s orange-stained reign of terror inspired many unqualified individuals to believe they, too, can fuck the country up just as much as he did. Scatter-brained former NFL player Herschel Walker is one of those folks and every week a new reason to keep him on the bench and permanently out of the political game arises. He’s running as a Republican for the Georgia Senate against Democrat Raphael Warnock and has been purporting “family values.” Well, family values until he got some random woman knocked up because allegedly he paid for one of his former booty call’s abortions. And his messy son, Christian Walker, is speaking out about his father’s constant lies and false public persona after this newest allegation.
So Dr. Oz has weird food tastes. Who cares? Mitt Romney’s favorite meat is hot dog, so what’s the big deal if Dr. Oz likes to dip his raw broccoli in salsa while shoving a five-pound bag of carrots up his ass? That shouldn’t disqualify him from office, should it? Newsweek reports that Dr. Oz, who is running as a Republican for the U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania against Democratic candidate John Fetterman, was cruelly mocked on the internet for a campaign video in which he plays an Average Joe going to the supermarket to pick up some crudité for his wife and is shocked and dismayed by the staggering prices of whatever random vegetables and pre-packaged foods happened to be in front of him when he yelled “roll!” to the cameraman. Presumably due to inflation, the total cost for his paltry haul was “Twenty dollars?!?!” Not counting the tequila! Our avenging Average Joe then laments how we have evil Elite Joe to thank for this. This being the untenable cost of grocery store guacamole.